Monthly Archives: June 2013

Top Choice On The Voice

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Dear all, I’d just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who voted my cousin Jack through to next week’s live final of The Voice. Your support makes all the hard work worthwhile, and don’t forget if you bring me your phone bill showing the Voice phone number on it at least 20 times, there’ll be £2 off your next bill at 99p Land (if I’m on the tills)! I also have to say a very huge thank you to my friends and family who manned the phones last night at the BBC and to my Uncle Bryan for counting up the final votes. Just to say, if last night had been the final, and not the semi’s, Jack would have romped home with over 80% of all the votes!!! Tom Jone’s is well chuffed with the results as he has a large bet on Jack winning that could pay off his mortgage and payday loan. Just a reminder that Jack is still available for bookings (of his popular Kajagoo tribute act Jack-Agoogoo), though once he wins The Voice this coming Saturday he will cost a lot more to book.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack-Agoogoo takes a fag break during rehearsals

Show Your Father How Much You Care

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At Fawke’s we know that buying the perfect gift on father’s day is very stressful, would he want aftershave again, a new lawnmower or a trip to see a Thai masseuse? Decisions are hard to make, that’s why we’ve solved your dilemma and have the perfect gift that shows you care. Together with our team of experts you can make his funeral arrangements and as a special offer (for this weekend only) we are giving 20% off all our paternal funerals. So why not swing by with your Dad for tea and a chat and we can measure him up for that final trip of a lifetime. Father’s young and old are welcome, because let’s face it Mr Death will come knocking whatever age you get to. But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got paid-for celebrity testimonials:

If ever I was dead, or feeling unwell, I would want a Fawkes funeral… or something similar but a lot cheaper – Daniel Craig, 007

I’ve already picked out a camouflaged coffin with a gun turret and laser beams for my big day – Ross Kemp

They do nice sandwiches and flowers – Victoria Pendleton

Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.

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Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

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Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Who’s The Daddy?

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This weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 50% off all paternity tests. Our recently opened health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers discreet walk-in medical checks, passport photos and instant diagnosis of your sexual health. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince* is a qualified urine therapist and once worked as a hospital porter, so knows all about medicine, especially anything related to sex stuff. Dr Vince offer treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), weight gain, “mr floppy” problems, and irritability. Sperm donations also taken (no appointment neccsessary and we have our own “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Casualty “the doctor* will see you now…”

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection

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Get Fit With Hit & Knit Tonight

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Starting tonight at 7.30, Olympic athlete and horse-whisperer Clare Balding is once again running her famed Hit & Knit course in the gym. Running one evening per week for three months it combines the mental & physical riguers of knitting with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Inspired by the Rocky films, Clare’s used it to successfully train the SAS, Network Rail staff and the cast of Cats. Just think, before you can say “Hit One, Purl One” you’ll have made yourself a matching scarf, hat and gloves and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you! All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £2,600 (excluding costs of materials and medical insurance). See you tonight. Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

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(Above) Clare’s Aunt Dolly models her new look at the end of the last Hit and Knit course

Celebrate Father’s Day With A Kebab

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Hey you lucky people, this Sunday we will be opening 11 ’til 11 and offering a one day only all you can eat offer (from the salad bowl only) for all father’s purchasing a large donar kebab, large fries and a greek beer. All that for £13.99. At this crazy price it’s not to be missed, so bring all your father’s (Grandfather’s also welcome). See you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

Prison Open Day

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Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local maximum-security prison (HMP Septonville) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir openday will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at the workshy everyone is indeed welcome). I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like inside!!! So come and meet the inmates. They’ll show you what solitary confinement is like in the high security wing, help you to pick up carelessly-discarded soap in the shower block and even give one-on-one instruction in making mail bags. They will be something for everyone, demonstrations on riot control, dealing with dirty protests and bodysearches for smuggled in narcotics. There’s bingo and physical education for the elderly (so bring your shorts) and for the under-fives there’s Put The Handcuffs On The Convict, hide and seek and, weather permitting, a bouncy castle in the exercise yard. It really will be wonderful, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) A Septonville cell. Dirty protest thankfully out of shot

A Stolen Stone Gathers No Moss

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Hello. This is a Police warning: Please be on your guard around ancient stone monuments, as it has been reported that one of our old prehistoric Hammerite Stones has been stolen from under our noses. For thousands of years Beckworth has boasted a bakers dozen of standing stones (13, which is more than most stone circles have) and now we are reduced to a normal dozen (12), which is bound to effect tourism. Plus we’ve a ruddy dangerous hole that will need concreting over. This is a heinous crime that is sweeping the country, which we believe is being committed by highly-organised gangs, who break down the stones to make into gravel (highly prized for use in ornamental gardens or on posh driveways). If you see someone pilfering large stone objects or offering you cheap gravel that’s fallen off the back of a lorry, waste no time and dial 999. Let’s nip this rubble-based crime in the bud before it’s too late and someone get’s maimed or even seriously killed. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) A police artist’s impression of the missing Hammerite Stone