Monthly Archives: June 2013

Filming In Beckworth

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Dear all, the more observant of you (no offence to the visually impaired) will probably have noticed large vans blocking the way on Right Said Fred Lane, with cables trailing dangerously along the pavement into Carnaby Cottage, home to star of stage and screen, Paul Weller. Why you ask? Because this week Beckworth is honoured to see the filming of a new TV action series called Cash In The Cupboard (a very low-budget spin-off, from the bafta-award winning series Cash In The Attic, being made for Dave TV). An insider from the series (one of the drivers) says that Paul is looking to raise about £525 for a family holiday in Benidorm by auctioning off tat from his sideboard. I for one can’t wait to see the programme, and wish Mr Weller good luck on trying to raise that cash.

Christine Batley. Chief TV & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

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(Above) Paul Weller on set with Cash In The Cupboard presenter Sir David Dickinson

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

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Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp

Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?

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The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)

It’s Coronation Madness At 99p Land

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Yes, we’ve gone Coronation mad and for one day only (tomorrow) we are turning back our clock to the year our beloved Queen was coronated, 1973. So everything will be priced as if we were a 99p shop back then. Yes, that’s right, we must be barking beacuse everything in store will be just 99p* And on top of that, the staff will be getting into a right old spirit and wearing large sideburns, afros and flared trousers; and the men will also be wearing appropriate outfits from the Coronation. So come to the store for baragins galore. Please note that as a mark of respect to the Coronation we will be closed tomorrow from midday. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

* Offer excludes anything that is priced higher than 99p and alcohol

Susan Boyle Is Queen For A Day

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Just a reminder that today, from 1pm, we will be recreating the Queen’s Coronation in St Faith’s church. Come and relive the sights and sounds of 80 years ago, we’ve got some acting “royalty” being real Royalty, Ross Kemp is playing Prince Philip, Susan Boyle is the young virgin Queen with Fern Cotton as Princess Anne and Gary Barlow as Prince Charles. They’ll be choristers singing carols, a miniature horse and carriage, and the vicar will be pretending to be the Pope, doing all the crowning and stuff. It’s a must see afternoon for the whole family and for those that can’t fit in the church we will be relaying the sounds very loudly over speakers in the graveyard. So come all ye faithful.

The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors