Royal Roundabout Opening Postponed

Posted on 12/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to say that due to council incompetence the new mini roundabout outside the McDonald’s drive-through won’t be finished this week as the work is over-running by at least three or four weeks. A council spokesperson stressed that Princess Kate Middleton (and her baby HRH King George) are still due to open the improved road junction and lend it her name. Clifford Pinner. Volunteer Road Safety Planning Advisor, Beckworth Coucil, Roads and Recreation Department

(Above) The still unfinished Kate Middleton Mini Roundabout earlier today

Third Time Unlucky For Iceland Land

Posted on 11/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Late last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was once again struck by lightning, amazingly for the third time in a year. Most surprising is that during the night no one noticed there was even any rain let alone an electrical storm. The lightning caused fires which destroyed three very popular rides, which coincidentally had recently been closed down as unsafe by health and safety officials and were due for replacement. The owners were in the process of trying to raise the money for new frozen food themed rides at the time of the lightning strike. Luckily, thanks to insurance, finding the money will no longer be an issue. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for onetime Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona is currently on holiday in Magaluf so it wasn’t her that set fire to the rides or nothing.” The theme park manager Ralf Little is keen to stress that 32% of the park is still open for business and that the cafe is now doing breakfasts as well as lunch. So it’s still an ideal destination for all the family this summer. Christine Batley. Chief Lightning Strike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of lightning striking the amusement park last night

Hoax Fudge Causes Subsidence In Model Village

Posted on 10/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’ve more sad news regarding Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). The project is near to being a third complete, but this week the father and son food builders noticed that the already completed model of the public toilets was collapsing. They thought it was caused by leaking fudge model toilet but further investigation revealed that the foundation fudge bricks they’d used were fake and actually made of Caramac, which had melted in the heat bringing the structure down. A very upset Heston has told me “Who would do such a wicked thing as supply Caramac bricks? Now we’ll have to demolish the loos and rebuild them, putting the project at least 3 weeks behind schedule.” Through the tears he added “And we still need each of Beckworth’s 5000+ residents to make at least two kilograms of real fudge per day to get the whole model village finished… which we hope to do before the August bank holiday.” So please help the the father and son chefs, they can’t do this without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) The Caramac at the centre of the fake brick scandal

Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

Posted on 10/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels

Hit And Knit Returns

Posted on 08/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Starting Thursday at 7.30, Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV sports-commentator, and horse-masseuse, Clare Balding is once again running her famed Hit & Knit course in the gym. In a change to last year it will now be every Thursday and run for four months to give the trainees more time to conquer the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Inspired by Mohamed Ali and her own upbringing (her dad was a scrap metal dealer and amateur bare-knuckle fighter), Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train The Army Wive’s Choir, UKIP councillors and the cast of Downton Abbey. Just think, before you can say “Hit One, Purl One” you’ll have made yourself a matching scarf, hat and gloves and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you! All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £3,800 (excluding costs of materials and medical insurance). See you Thursday. Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

(Above) Clare’s Aunt Dolly (and defending champion knitter) prepare’s to take on all newcomers at the next Hit and Knit course

Tour De Beckworth Success

Posted on 07/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a quick thank you for all your support yesterday and especially to those of you who volunteered to mend punctures, hand out drinks and give directions to the cycle racers. It was a real shame that so many of the Tour De France competitors got lost due to the last minute Beckworth detour but they took it with great Gallic humour. So many of the racers enjoyed an unscheduled lunch pit stop at the Blind Beggar pub that it had a lock-in (and i’m told a few of the cyclists are still in there enjoying the local ale and our great British jukebox). Thanks Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

(Above) Tour De France cyclists taking the scenic route

Hello I’m Courtney Beccles

Posted on 07/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello World and Beckworth. My name is Courtney and it’s lovely to meet you all, I hope you like hearing my interview. By the way, please keep a look out for my nephew Tyrone showing his willy on Embarrassing Bodies next month. Thanks Courtney.

WARNING! THIS CONTAINS ONE OR TWO MILDLY NAUGHTY WORDS

Tour De France Slight Detour

Posted on 06/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a quick update on today’s historic visit by the Tour Of France french cycling race. After many months of careful planning it was due to come through the very heart of our community. But due to unexpected subsidence and holes opening up, due to the fracking on the high street, the Tour will be hastily re-routed over Beck Hill, around the council estate and mosque, along by the extensive road works, through the refuse dump and children’s playground and finally past the nuclear power station. It won’t effect what is bound to be an exciting and once (maybe twice) in a lifetime day out for all the family. Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The slight detour on the Beck Hill stage of the Tour De France

Beckworth’s Tour De France

Posted on 05/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just an excited reminder that many roads will be closed tomorrow as we welcome the Worlds’ most famous french cycling race through the heart of our town. I am of course talking about Le Tour De France (The Tour Of France). It is bound to cause traffic mayhem and shop closures but will be worth it to see half a dozen or so of the best French cyclists come pootling through our streets followed by some motorbikes and Citroen cars with bikes on their roofs. So please bare in mind if you fancy going anywhere in Beckworth tomorrow you won’t be able to, except on foot, or preferably pedal bike. Yours Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

(Above) An artists impression of the Tour De France racing through Beckworth

Strike Over

Posted on 04/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Fantastic news just in, the annual strike by the council’s IT department was resolved this morning in just half an hour at the arbitration company ACAS. Many concessions have been made by the council. The main sticking point of upgrading council funded free biscuits from the current ginger nuts to milk chocolate hobnobs was solved by a compromise of now supplying plain hob nobs. The IT dept will slowly return to work although they have warned they may strike again in August, just to keep their hand in and keep us on our toes. Thanks, G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The Hobnob biscuits that thanks to ACAS put an end to IT’s recent strike

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Monthly Archives: July 2014