Life in Beckworth » Alan Stroud

New Meridian Line Found. Probably

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 30 Oct 2016 11:33:10 +0000

Good day Beckworth. This is a momentous day for the whole town, in fact for the whole World, as i have possibly discovered the true position of the meridian line. Known as Longitude 0º, for years it was thought the Meridian of the World cut right through an old folks home in Greenwich, London, until they recently discovered they were a few feet out and it actually ran through a tatoo-parlour… But whilst out running I’ve found they were at least 150 miles out. For I have today found, and photographed, what will probably become known as the real Meridian. At present it is just a humble white line but it is likely to be of such scientific significance that I believe Beckworth should nurture it and turn into a tourist attraction. And a longitude based theme park. Just think most atlases, globes and maps will surely have to be corrected so the meridian cuts through Beckworth not Greenwich… Even time itself may have to be changed… I’ll have to ask Prof Brian Cox when I next see him in the barbers getting his beautiful hair teased into place and let you know…. Yours sincerely Alan Stroud. Discoverer of The Beckworth Meridian

Happy Mummer’s Day

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 06 Mar 2016 09:48:29 +0000

Good morning Beckworth. On this day I would like you all to witness the renaissance of the true meaning of Mother’s Day, or to give today it’s original name, Mummer’s day. For this afternoon on the sports field (weather permitting) the Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancer troupe will invoke the spirit of Mummer (Mother) Nature through the power of dance, fiddle, bells and banging sticks. Recently discovered dusty old ancient manuscripts (photocopies of which were found in an attic somewhere) have cast new light on British traditions from 1000s of years in the past and we are the first morris dancers and mummers to re-enact these joyous medieval dances and songs… So please come along and please join in, we need more members! Yours sincerely Alan Stroud. Lead Clacker, Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancers

(Above) The Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancer troupe chillaxing in the pub late last night / earlier this morning prior to invoking the spirit of Mummer Nature

Star Spot

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 10:29:58 +0000

I’ve just seen the animated stars of The Simpsons queuing up to use the pop-up urinals in the high street. It’s not everyday you see cartoon characters relieving themselves, but it just shows the realism that goes into the show. The drawn actors looked exhausted, even their yellow skin and Marge‘s colourful hair looked faded, which shows how hard they must work on the programme. Word on the street is they are filming an episode where Homer moves to Beckworth having temporarily left the family home and taken up with an English whore. Thank you, Alan

(Above) The Simpsons kindly pose for a photo whilst waiting patiently to use the loo

Beckworth Star Spot: Ant & Dec

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 06 Jul 2013 12:33:26 +0000

I’ve just seen the stars of television’s X-Factor, Ant & Dec, working as mystery shoppers. They went into 99p Land and then to the grocers and butchers, and “bought” a lot of cheap stuff, mostly from the out of date shelves. Thank you, Alan

(Above) Mystery shoppers Ant & Dec push home their haul of
past-the-sell-by-date goodies

Rare Reptile Found

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 16:35:06 +0000

I’ve just discoverd a medium-sized tortoise rampaging around my garden knocking over my gnomes. It’s causing quite a rumpus in the rose-beds so i’ve put up “found” posters around town. Is it yours? It’s got a number 12 painted on it’s shell, so I reckon it’s probably a rare racing tortoise, a bit like that one that ran a marathon with a hare. Thanks you Alan

I Am Alan Stroud

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:32:26 +0000

Good afternoon Beckworth, This is a clip from an interview I did a couple of years ago with a visiting doctor. I do hope you enjoy it, it’s not too long. And please contact me know if you need any driving lessons. Yours sincerely Alan Stroud