Life in Beckworth » 007 http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings Sun, 01 Feb 2026 00:56:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1 For Your Mice Only… http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/beckworth-guild-of-trade-commerce/for-your-pies-only/ http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/beckworth-guild-of-trade-commerce/for-your-pies-only/#comments Mon, 28 Sep 2015 09:41:46 +0000 a resident of Beckworth http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/?p=5558 Continue reading →]]> Good morning to you all. I am pleased to announce that as of today Beckworth residents with pest problems can use a new semi-professional eradication crew who’ve set up shop in town. On call night and day 24/7 five days of the week, from 9am – 5pm, the town’s infestation problems are well and truly over. This unqualified wife and husband team have adopted a sort-of James Bond spy theme to stand out from the crowd. At a press-conference this morn Mrs Oakhampton the MD declared “When me and my wheelchaired hubby decided to put our old van, poisons, guns and traps to good use and become mobile pest controllers we thought it best come up with a catchy brand… We’ve always been huge 007 fans, so it made sense to base the new business name on the films and books.” She then added “Thinking of something catchy gave us sleepless nights, we thought of A View To A Kill, but the film-makers threatened to sue us if we used it. Next up we got clever with The Woman (& Disabled Husband) With The Golden Traps, but people didn’t get the Bond connection, or that we killed pests. Nor did anyone understand You Only Die Twice, From Beckworth With Love or Cockroaches Are Forever… So we ended up with the catchy name Fleming’s Untrained Controllers of Pests. It doesn’t quite fit on the side of our small van, so that just says FUC of Pests.” Good luck to Mr and Mrs Oakhampton with their new business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) Mrs Oakhampton demonstrates her patented laser mouse killer

]]> http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/beckworth-guild-of-trade-commerce/for-your-pies-only/feed/ 0 Show Your Father How Much You Care http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/fawkes-funerals/show-your-father-how-much-you-care/ http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/fawkes-funerals/show-your-father-how-much-you-care/#comments Sat, 15 Jun 2013 09:23:19 +0000 a resident of Beckworth http://visitbeckworth.co.uk/life-in-beckworth/?p=1419 Continue reading →]]> At Fawke’s we know that buying the perfect gift on father’s day is very stressful, would he want aftershave again, a new lawnmower or a trip to see a Thai masseuse? Decisions are hard to make, that’s why we’ve solved your dilemma and have the perfect gift that shows you care. Together with our team of experts you can make his funeral arrangements and as a special offer (for this weekend only) we are giving 20% off all our paternal funerals. So why not swing by with your Dad for tea and a chat and we can measure him up for that final trip of a lifetime. Father’s young and old are welcome, because let’s face it Mr Death will come knocking whatever age you get to. But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got paid-for celebrity testimonials:

If ever I was dead, or feeling unwell, I would want a Fawkes funeral… or something similar but a lot cheaper – Daniel Craig, 007

I’ve already picked out a camouflaged coffin with a gun turret and laser beams for my big day – Ross Kemp

They do nice sandwiches and flowers – Victoria Pendleton

Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.

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