Life in Beckworth » Britain’s Got Talent

Karma Sutra In The Deli

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 27 May 2015 15:19:01 +0000

Dear all. This coming Friday the Europe’s favourite “sexually explicit” naked mime company Kama Sutra will be performing their new show Fifty Shades Of Grey in the recently repainted deli on the high street. It’s a four-hour show and is bound to be a must-see for the whole (sexually enlightened) family. Best of all it’s free, if you buy something from the cheese counter! Get there early as their shows are usually packed out, and often get stopped mid-performance by the police. We’re expecting bigger than usual interest since they auditioned, but weren’t shown on TV, for this years Britain’s Got Talent. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

(Above) Catch Karma Sutra by the Red Leicester this Friday

Rolling Stone Has Gastric Band Fitted

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 18 May 2014 17:06:27 +0000

Local one man band, and ex-Rolling Stones bassist tribute act, Bill Wideman, has been fitted with a gastric band after dieting failed to reduce his weight. 127 stone Bill, known off stage as “Fat” Ron Penge, has always struggled with his size, “I was a large jolly baby, and never stopped growing” he told me over a take-away curry with chips. When Bill was younger he had a well documented brush with stardom, when in 1998 he was crowned weight watcher of the year, having allegedly lost 56 stone in 6 months. But the judges found out he’d used someone else’s photo as the “slim” shot and had actually put on over 13 stone, so he had to hand back the crown and would have also handed back the winning money had he not spent it on pies. Since then Bill has kept a low profile honing his one-man musical skills and appearing on the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, the Antiques Road Show and Embaressing Bodies, whilst still finding time to busk in the high street. “I’ve incorporated getting craned on and off “stage” (the back of a lorry), and in and out of my bed, into my act which the audiences love” he the added “but it’s got to the point where walls in my house needed demolishing just so I could use the loo. Hence now needing the gastric band” So good luck to Bill nee Ron, I’ll let you know how the diet goes. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Diet Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The “real” Bill Wyman, who obviously has gastric problems of his own

Beckworth Star Spot: Simon Cowell

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 17:23:56 +0000

Today I saw Simon Cowell off the telly dressed as a teletubbie (he looked very realistic with the head on. He even did the voice). He was shaking a bucket collecting money for a local hospice. What a nice man, not at all like he is on Britain’s Got Talent. He was with 3 other teletubbies on Floyd Street. I wonder if they were the other judges dressed up?