Life in Beckworth » Cheryl Cole

Pantomime Auditions Next Week

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 13:45:24 +0000

Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of yuletide The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor, yet glamorous, parts in this year’s dramatic extravaganza. Next Tuesday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus. Could this be you? For five or six nights around Christmas we will be putting on our original festive performance very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz. We’ve made enough changes to get around copyright issues, the rewrite was quickly done for us by acting legend, and star of a few pantos herself, Dame Maggie Smith. The script promises, in Dame’s words, to be truly wonderful! I’ve written some great new songs about lizards and Australia with my close friend Gary Barlow. Gary will take the lead role playing Dorothy, a childhood ambition he told me, and his band Take That will play the accompanying music live each night (Or maybe mime). We’ve secured Pierce Brosnan to direct the panto (his first time directing), James Cordan to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) will play the “Lioness”, Katie Price is our “Right Bitch”, the “Wicked Bitch of the North is TV’s Holly Willoughby, and Peter Andre will star as the ballroom-dancing “Australian Lizard”. Understandably all the best parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players but we will still need new talent for the boring non-speaking parts, the occasional dance, a bit of backing-singing and to sell snacks and drink in the interval. Please bring a torch, or candle, as auditions will be held in a small unlit garage behind the launderette as our rehearsal space above Chiswicks’ The Fishmongers is being fumigated. We’ve a part in the performance to suit almost anyone of every gender, colour and sexual preference. But let’s face it we really only want Beckworth’s most attractive, single, young people. So if you’re over 25 or need a crane to get in and out of the bath don’t waste our time. Pierce says he wants to find the next Sam Smith and Adele, preferably with acting skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and be hot. See you next Tuesday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Peter Andres’s amazing panto costume, kindly made by his ex-wife Jordan

Pantomime Auditions This Week

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 06 Oct 2014 11:38:36 +0000

Pantomime season is just around the corner and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2014 panto. Is this you? For five nights around Christmas we will be putting on an original festive performance very loosely based on the Charles Dicken’s film Oliver and the life and recipes of the nations favourite TV chef, Jamie Oliver OBE. The panto, titled Jamie Oliver In Fairy Liquid Land, was written by Jamie himself (with help from his close friend Gordon Ramsay) and Mr Oliver will direct and produce the performance. Sponsored by Fairy Liquid (a chef’s best friend) the script promises, in Jamie’s words, to be Pucker! And who are we to doubt him? All the good parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, with local busking singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran set to play Jamie and Eastenders‘ Dot Cotton (aka June Brown) playing his long suffering, ever pregnant wife, Jools. But we will still need new talent members for the boring non-speaking parts, the odd dance and cooking routine and to sell Jamie’s food in the interval. As usual auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to almost anyone. But let’s face it we’re really looking for gorgeous, slim, young people, so if you’re past your sell by date or need a fork-lift to use the loo don’t waste our time. Jamie says he wants to find the next Olly Murs and Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) preferably with catering skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own chef’s knives.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Local busker Ed Sheeran hears he is to play Jamie Oliver this Christmas

Two Coles For The Price Of One At The 98p Land Grand Opening

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 31 Jul 2014 19:41:12 +0000

Hurry Hurry Hurry. Tomorrow at 8am celebrity singer and dancer Cheryl Cole along with her “ex-Minder” dad George will be opening Beckworth’s brand new, cheapest and best discount supermarket, 98p Land. They’ll both be working the tills (and if needed stacking shelves) until lunchtime, although they have said they may do a spot of overtime in the evening. And to celebrate we have many lines on sale (for just one day) at the frankly ridiculous cheap price of slightly under one pound. Find such quality items on sale anywhere locally for such little money and we’ll refund the difference. So see you tomorrow. Ivan Bialystok. Manager. 98p Land

(Above) George Cole & daughter Cheryl arrive for rehearsals of tomorrow’s shop opening