Life in Beckworth » England

Local MP To Lobby Parliament Over UK’s Expected Population Explosion

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:22:13 +0000

Breaking political news just in…. Our heroic local Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches has announced he is to lobby Parliament with a radical solution to the UK’s increasing population. Just yesterday a report was published that reckons in the next twenty years our population will expand by 26.75% to about 95 million, and by 2050 our small proud island will be home to over 200 million. All of it down to non-English speaking migrants moving here to claim benefits, take our homes and to breed like rabbits on the national health. Mr Tristan says “Frankly it’s time to draw a line in the British seaside sand and tell Monsieur Johnny, Joanna & Junior Foreigner enough is enough…” In a packed press conference he told assembled journalists and his mother his plans to save our country. “England is like an island, or an old boat.” He told the enraptured audience of five “It has a finite capacity and we are fast approaching the point where we our dear country will sink due to over-crowding. With all us Christians on board. Without inflated life-jackets. Like the Titanic did.” Mr Carshalton-Beeches pointed out that “If the Titanic had had less foreigners onboard, and had lifeboats, it’s population would have survived running into an iceberg.” He showed us cartoon diagrams and went on “We too are blindly running into that iceberg. An immigration iceberg. But I alone can see it approaching. Silently. Like a frozen killer. So my idea is to have lifeboats. And not metaphorical ones. Real one’s for genuine English people to hire that will set sail for dry land before we all drown. I want to buy, or lease, land abroad. Lots of it. Preferably somewhere hot, with a local population we can lord it over. I will set aside plots to house us fleeing British billions and create communities on foreign soil of English speakers. With English pubs and curry houses and things to remind us of home. When it was still good. We can then leave the “old” broken country to all these migrants who are so b****y desperate to come here…” He would have gone on but worked himself up into a frenzy and had to be stretchered off. Mr Tristram was muttering something about creating a pure race in God’s country but we couldn’t catch it all as he was frothing at the mouth. Good luck to Mr Tristram and all who sail with him. Christine Batley. Chief Save Our Country From Foreign Invasion Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches drawing a line in the sand earlier today

Corky Crashes Out

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 09 Jul 2015 07:35:46 +0000

Exciting sports news just in… I’m sure we were all cheering on local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford yesterday, as he played in the quarter finals at Wimbledon on Centre Court. It was so disheartening to see the almost-completely blind 91 year old survivor of two hip replacements roundly thrashed in straight sets by a player almost four times his junior. And despite getting into a fist-fight with a ball-girl, Corky did Beckworth and England proud. And as he said in a post-match interview “never mind there’s always next year…” But it’s easy for him to be positive, what did he have to lose? I’m unhappy as I had a £10 bet on him winning in the final against Andy Murray. So it wasn’t a good day for me! Christine Batley. Chief Betting On Tennis At Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Corky in action against Richard Gasquet earlier yesterday at Wimbledon

Local Businesses To Petition Government Over London Airport Report

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 04 Jul 2015 07:36:07 +0000

Good morning to you all. I’m hoping I can rely on local common folk such as yourself to join me and the Beckworth trade guild in airing (no pun intended) our disappointment at this week’s biased report into the future of London’s airports. We at the guild have campaigned tirelessly to have an international airport sighted in the green fields of Beckworth but we, the “little people,” have once again been ignored. Our plan may not be as glamorous as Boris Island, as close to London as Heathrow (therefore we’d have no issues about polution) or in the heart of the South of England like Gatwick. But we have far more charity shops than both Luton and Stanstead and they got a ruddy mention in the report. We didn’t even get that. And we have impressive transport links that have been overlooked. We can already boast twice daily buses to the nearest train station, where passengers can catch a train that goes quite close to London. But let’s not be defeated, the battle may be lost but the war is far from over. So please sign the petition “Beckworth Wants An Airport. Or At Least A Runway,” which will be on view in many of the town’s shops from today. Or allow yourself to be harassed by a chugger on the high street. Let’s fight together. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) An architect’s plans for the proposed Beckworth International Airport as submitted to the Government’s commission