Life in Beckworth » Gareth Gates

International Twerking Finals

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 27 Nov 2013 11:04:39 +0000

This is a message to remind you all that this friday night The Blind Badger will be hosting the 3rd Annual International Twerking Finals in our back room. Seventeen of the World’s finest twerkers will be descending on Beckworth in the hope of winning a trophy and £500 prize money. Last year’s winner Vera Cyrus-Jones (Mylie Cyrus‘s English cousin) will be head judge alongside Strictly Come Dancing’s “Mr Seven” Len Goodman and local celeb and handyman Les Dennis. A rivetting evening is assured and after the finals Gareth Gates’ Mobile Disco will be rocking the room. It’s only a tenner on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Liquid Night-Rogen. Warning: If you don’t like people wearing flesh-coloured bikinis, showing off their bottoms or grabbing their genitals, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) The International Twerking Trophy, won last year by Mylie Cyrus’s Cousin Vera

Pantomime – Open Auditions

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 11 Nov 2013 13:05:54 +0000

Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some minor walk-on parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. We are extremely lucky to be putting on the first ever production of Cinderella and The Seven Beanstalks, written by Beckworth’s very own Mr Musical, Andrew Lloyd Webber (with a bit of help from his brother Sir Tim Rice). And a successful panto wouldn’t be a success if the lead parts weren’t taken by The Krankies (as the ugly giants), a member of Eastenders (Dot Cotton aka June Brown will be playing Cinderella) and a 1980s pop singer you may vaguely have heard of (Professional scouser Sonia will be playing one of our beanstalks). Other stars appearing will be Alan Titchmarsh as Zips (Button’s brother), Coldplay and Muse as the Seven Dwarfs and Jodie Marsh as Prince Charming . But we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts. Auditions for these will be held this Thursday evening at 7.30 in our rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers) and are open to anyone who can sing and dance and are extremely good looking. Director (and local politician) Nick Clegg says he wants to find the next Su Bo and Gareth Gates, so please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. Given the success of our last panto, Aladdin In The Hood, we expect to be a large turn-out, so arrive early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Eastender’s June Brown trying on her Cinderella costume earlier today

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 11:29:19 +0000

Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model