Irreplaceable Items Stolen From Local Old People’s Home

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 14:44:25 +0000

Hello all, shocking news just in, five nights ago the Dick Van Dyke nursing home was burgled with many irreplaceable items being taken. Speaking on behalf of the home, matron Anne Widdecombe CBE, said the break-in only came to light this morning when someone noticed the residents were watching a blank wall where the telly had been. She went on to say many priceless artifacts were very likely stolen including some fake jewellery, a mink coat with the security-tag still on, an original Silver Jubilee Asda biscuit tin, a chipped china figure of ballerina wrestling a bear, a lovely new ipad and camera, the aforementioned big colour telly and a Mr Reginald Owen. Mrs Anne said the insurance company have been informed and were sending someone round on their bike. She also stressed how hard it will be to put a value on Mr Owen, although she would try, going on to mention a ballpark figure of £500,000 plus funeral expenses. “But Reg is priceless really. A real joy to push around in his wheelchair, the life and soul of the home. And it’s very out of character for Mr Owen to go out without his teeth in and his hat on.” she said over a mid-morning Gin “Hence the suspicion that he has also been stolen. Maybe there’ll be a reward for his safe return?” When pressed about him being a potential kidnap victim she added “He was always regaling us with tales about his mischievous Grandsons, Take That‘s Mark Owen and Eastenders’ Sid “Ricky” Owen. So his ransom could be worth a bob or two… Dead or alive!” Police are underplaying the break-in claiming “It is probably just an insurance scam, they’ve tried it twice before,” and dismissed Reg’s disappearance saying “He is probably locked in a toilet having been told to keep out of sight until the insurers pay-up.” Christine Batley. Chief Burglery and Potential Kidnap Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Take That’s Mark Owen who’s Granddad has been reported “stolen”

Halloween Costume Competition Winners Announced

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 13:05:54 +0000

Hello all. News just in… After much deliberation by our Halloween panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, we can now announce the winners of the 2013 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costumes. Winner of the under 18s was local schoolboy and busking sensation Jake Bugg (you’ve probably seen him playing his guitar outside the bank) and the adults winner was grocer’s daughter and local “entertainer” Lady Gaga. An overjoyed and shocked Miss Gaga was quoted as saying “I’m shocked and totally overjoyed” before explaining “I had only popped out to post a letter and buy some fags!” When asked about her costume Lady replied “To be honest i’d forgotten it was halloween and was only dressed in my old housework clothes.” Well done to both our worthy winners. Christine Batley. Chief Halloween Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Miss Gaga popping out to the shops in her old housework clothes

Life in Beckworth » Mark Owen

Irreplaceable Items Stolen From Local Old People’s Home

Halloween Costume Competition Winners Announced