Life in Beckworth » Nicola Sturgeon

Mr Milliband Gets Caught Short

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 05 May 2015 15:51:38 +0000

Breaking news… Poor Ed Milliband had to cut short his election campaigning visit to Beckworth today. This was due to a visit to Slocombe’s pasty factory taking longer than planned. An aide told me in the strictest confidence that after sampling the savoury delights poor Mr Ed had to spend over an hour in the toilet of his campaign bus thus curtailing his visit to our town. A similar visit made by the SNP leader earlier in the day had the same lavatorial outcome which meant poor Ms Nicola Sturgeon had to bypass Beckworth all together. On a brighter note our very own 99p stores sold Mr Milliband a job lot of very cheap “shop soiled” toilet roll which he was overjoyed with. Christine Batley. Chief Political Tummy Upset Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mr Milliband getting to grips with a pasty shortly before it got it’s “revenge”

Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 04 May 2015 10:01:03 +0000

Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

Local Antique Lady’s Fish Win’s May Day Race

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 03 May 2015 10:50:30 +0000

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I. Even having some Green Party pranksters throwing washing powder into the river (some sort of demonstration about water polution) hardly delayed the race. The protestors were caught by angered locals before they could do too much damage and there weren’t too many people taken to A&E. Congratulations to local lass, and antique TV presenter, Fiona Bruce whose pet sturgeon, Nicola, won the race in an almost record time. It was the first time Fiona and Nicola the Sturgeon had raced in the event, so well done. Fiona stated that a daily swim in the bath followed by a treat of a cup of hot chocolate had really paid off with Nicola. Well done to all. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A clearly delighted Fiona Bruce with her race-winning pet sturgeon Nicola