The Votes Are Counted, The Results Are In…

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 06:26:49 +0000

And the breaking referendum news is… Beckworth has voted by an allegedly massive landslide majority for Brexit. Those wanting to leave the safety and prosperity of the EU got 49.5% of the votes against 48.5% for Remain, who we all assumed would romp home and even organised an all night party for. It was a sober gathering by the early hours, made worse by the noisy Brexit party next door where Nigel Farage and his brothers Neville and Arthur were DJing and loudly chatting up young ladies. Just 0.5% of the town voted for Bremain, a local “compromise” alternative, who campaigned on the promise they would “leave the EU” whilst actually lying to the population of this country and staying in for their own good “as the citizens of the UK can’t be trusted to vote the right way”. The poor Liberal Democrats also only polled 0.5%, which for them is rather good, especially as they weren’t officially on the ballot paper. One Brexit voter told me this morning, as they were raising the union jack over their shed, “We’ve given Cameron and his London hipsters a bloody nose they’ll not forget… Now it’s back to the task of rebuilding our once mighty Empire without the interference of Brussels,” another told me their only regret is “that Ciabatta and Virgin Olive Oil may now be in short supply.” Capturing the mood of Remain voters one told me as she was getting out of her Bentley “it’s the UK MEP‘s I feel sorry for, as they will be “out of a job at a time when there are so few opportunities for washed up politicians.” Personally my heart goes out to all the heads of industry and bankers who’d helped to make the union what it was. Christine Batley. Chief “OMG, Now I’m Really Buggered And Can’t Retire To Spain” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Beckworth’s expectant looking ballot box earlier yesterday

UKIP Sponsored Common Wealth Games Opening Ceremony Tonight

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:08:54 +0000

Hi, I just wanted to remind you all that tonight Beckworth will host it’s own alternative opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on the sports field from 8pm with refreshments on sale in the scout hut. A spokesman for the local branch of UKIP, who organised the event as a demonstration against the Scottish Referendum, was quoted as saying “we just wanted to have our voice heard and point out how immigration has distorted the UK” before adding “And we can’t be arsed going all the way to Scotland to see our English boys and girls parading around with flags.” He went on to say “It’s worth having an English opening ceremony, as our team is bound to thrash all the foreigners at sport and swimming and stuff. Therefore we’re putting on an evening of only English entertainment.” I am reliably informed that this will include Noel Edmunds’ stunt kite display, music from Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely and conclude with the famed Beckworth Unicycle Formation Dance Team (featuring UKIP’s very own Nigel Farage) dancing to some Now That’s What I Call English Music CDs. It’s a free event so see you there. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

(Above) Nigel Farage unicycling to the opening ceremony rehearsal earlier today

Life in Beckworth » Nigel Farage

The Votes Are Counted, The Results Are In…

UKIP Sponsored Common Wealth Games Opening Ceremony Tonight