Life in Beckworth » Status Quo

Happy New From The Council

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 17:06:13 +0000

Happy New Year To You All. Well it’s back to work with a bump for me as we’ve had almost all of our computers stolen. In fact the only one left in the town hall is the one i’m currently using, which is an old pc we keep for emergencies. We eventually found it stashed behind the cisterns in the ladie’s loo, hence my delay in posting this message. But at least we were insured so should have brand new computers, macs hopefully, very soon. On a lighter note I trust everyone enjoyed new years eves’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the flooded sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth to say goodbye to the old year went off without too much drama, it took a lot of petrol to ignite, but no one ended up in A&E which is a relief. This years’ effigy was made from old cereal packets and egg boxes by local handyman Duncan Bannatyne and is said to be based on a cross-dresser he met in a jungle!!! His close friend Tony Hadley made a very realistic Lego Baby Beckworth effigy that was paraded through the streets in the early hours to welcome in 2016. So thanks to both of them. My personal highlight was tucking into a kebab as the New Year fireworks went off whilst the local Scout’s brass-band covered the hits of The Arctic Monkeys and Status Quo. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2016. Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) The very realistic “Baby Beckworth” effigy made by the talented Tony Hadley

MidSummer Madness At Maccy D’s When Drunk Druids Damage The Drive-In

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 22 Jun 2015 07:50:28 +0000

News Just In… Beckworth’s summer solstace celebrations sadly took a turn for the worst yesterday and ended in a number of arrests. All was going swimmingly; families of nude pagans saw the sun rise at the Hammerite Stones as they have for centuries, then spent the day dancing naked through the stones, enjoying animal sacrifice, watching the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping with horses and cattle in the river. There was the traditional “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Mummers enacted mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop and music was performed by local naturist folk bands with an acoustic Status Quo stripping off to headline. But when the sun set above the stones all hell broke loose. A gang of hungry naturist Druids descended on the 22hr McDonalds drive-thru and caused tens of pounds worth of damage. They then refused to leave until the restaurant promised to stop selling meat products and become a purely vegetarian outlet. Police were called and promptly arrived two hours later, whereupon the naughty naked pagans were locked in the cells overnight “for their own safety”. They are due up in court later today, so I’ll keep you posted on this most heinous of hate crimes. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Nutters Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A hungover Druid pictured earlier today whilst awaiting his/her day in court

New Years Promise…

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 11:40:15 +0000

Hello all and happy Monday to all my legions of fans and followers. Professor Brian here, and as promised I’m going to answer your queries about New Year’s Day and hangover cures… But unfortunately it won’t be today as i’m feeling a bit light-headed and giddy from spending an enlightening weekend with my new closest friends Status Quo. So hold tight a wee bit longer and i’ll tell all asap. Promise.

In the meantime I’m off to have my beautiful hair brushed by my celebrity hairdresser Reg Sassoon in the high street. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Professor Brian Cox’s best friends Status Quo posing in their garage earlier today

Large Bust Unveiled To Public Astonishment

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 09:56:32 +0000

Big news just in. Today saw the public unveiling of the long delayed Noddy Holder statue, sited close to the sewage works. There were audible gasps from the crowd when they saw the concrete bust, as it is 15′ taller than expected due to a confusion whereby the sculptor used inches not centimeters. The honour of unveiling went to local mobile disco DJ Dale Winton who has campaigned long and hard over the past 40 years to have a permanent monument erected in honour of the local Slade singer made good. “Noddy’s done so much putting glam rock on the map” said Mr Winton over a crafty fag “So I thought he deserved a statue. Or at the very least a bus shelter named after him” Dale then continued “Ideally i’d like statues put up of all the 1970′s glam pop pioneers, Bolan, Bowie, Status Quo, The Nolans and will continue to fund raise with this aim in mind” You can donate money to Dale’s cause at his website. Christine Batley. Chief Huge Statue Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Third Time Lucky For Local Band

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 10:48:28 +0000

Howdy hi. This is a message for fans of local band Eaten Mess. For the second time in three years they are bowing to legal pressure and changing their name. This time to Eaten Trifle. The popular covers band, that features ex-members of Status Quo and S Club 7, were for years called Eton Mess until the town of Eton threatened to sue them for besmirching the name. Now the cook that invented “mess” has also sued. We are hopeful that no one owns the rights to either “eaten” or “trifle”. Here’s hoping. Albert Leamington III. Band Manager.

(Above) An Eton Mess dessert celebrates successfully forcing local pop band to change it’s name