Mary Portas Opens New High-Street Attraction

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 21:24:28 +0000

Hi, after many months of planning the council can confirm that Mary Portas has today succeeded in regenerating Beckworth high-street by installing one of her very attractive Portas Loos. It’s already proved a must visit destination with no less than 21 people relieved to use the patended self-flushing convenience today alone, and the first, local celeb and witty Irishman Terry Wogan, even received a certificate (after he’d washed his hands). In line with getting as much TV-exposure as possible the mobile toilet was unveiled by Mrs Portas herself whilst the local scouts’ brass band played God Save The Queen in the pouring rain. In line with inflation the cost of spending a penny is just £1.50, or £5 if you do a number two (though that does include free toilet roll), a bargain in these times of recession. The loo is bright pink so easy to find and presently sited right outside the funeral parlour, so is well situated for Santa’s Grotto and Decembers’ January sales. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Mary Portas checks her make-up whilst using the new high street Portas Loo

Beckworth Star Spot: The Wanted U.S. Spy Edward Snowden

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 25 Jun 2013 12:32:30 +0000

I’ve just seen that wanted spy bloke Edward Snowden buying a strawberry-blonde hairpiece in Wiggins For Wigs. I was in there getting my own syrup washed and combed as today’s bitter wind had completely buggered it up. Suddenly the door flew open and in came the spy from the cold. He looked quite flustered and the silly bugger claimed he was being followed. So Bradley Wiggins Snr calmed him down with a cuppa and got to work on a new hair and side-burn ensemble. Mr Eddie “The Eagle” Snowden seemed very relieved when he saw his new barnet and even bought a matching beard as it was in the sale. Mr Wiggins Snr told him “even your own Mother wouldn’t recognise you now,” which seemed to make Eddie the spy very happy. On leaving he asked the way to the airport as he said he’s going on a very long holiday. Lucky Man. G. Barnstaple

(Above) “Spot the difference”
A Wiggin’s Wig & Beard make Edward look years younger

Life in Beckworth » Terry Wogan

Mary Portas Opens New High-Street Attraction

Beckworth Star Spot: The Wanted U.S. Spy Edward Snowden