My First Great Action As Mayor

Hello all, thanks again for voting me back as Mayor. It is a well deserved position for me to be back filling, after a gap of 4 long years, because I am currently on sick leave from my job as an environmental street clean operative. I promised to overturn many of the previous Tory mayor’s heinous selfish acts, and true to my word first up is to clean and reinstate the majestic 12″ Terry Nutkin statue which once graced the alcove outside the The John & Yoko Room in The Town Hall. It was commissioned by yours truly a fair few years ago and for the past 4 has been gathering dust in a drawer. Now the diminutive tourist attraction will be back where it belongs… And when the town hall reopens you’ll get to see it. But please do not touch it. Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor



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It’s Great To Be Back Where I Belong

Gary Grimsby MBE

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Remember To Vote In The Mayoral Elections Tomorrow

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Celebrate Mayday Outside Your Favourite Pub

This is a message to all of you who, like me want the World to get back to normal; get blattered on cheap ale and rock out all day tomorrow. Or at least in the evening. This Mayday we’re celebrating in “heaveee denim & leather” style with local metal (husband, wife and nephew three piece) band, Jack, Emma & Rory Sabbath. This is their, and our first gig in over a year, and they promise to turning our beer garden into a muddy mini Monsters Of Rock Festival. We had hoped the Isle of Mann’s favourite goth metal rockers Dead Zeppelin and one man band Ian Maiden, would be supporting, but Covid restrictions mean they’d have had to quaranteen for 10 days, so have both pulled out. It’s only twenty-one quid on the door, and the band have said they’ll play a set every hour or so from 6pm. Mayday’s featured ale at the pub is Satan’s Knackers. Advance warning: If you’re coming with the family it’s probably best to keep the oldies and young ‘uns in the car with some pop and crisps! Happy Mayday Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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Join Us At The MayDay Market This Sunday

Hello Beckworth. It’s your glorious Mayor here… Don’t forget tomorrow, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. All sellers have been in quaranteen & tested daily for a couple of weeks whilst staying at the local campsite, so are Covid free. This is the first chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders and to be abused in two languages. Last years online event was sadly a debacle not to be repeated. Cheese doesn’t travel well in the post from France… Due to social distancing we will be limiting numbers entering the market and queueing systems will be in place… Alcohol will be prohibited offered due to previous drunken incidents by a rowdy few. 

As is traditional (face mask wearing) Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday and parade along Floyd Street to the market.

If the weather perks up (it doesn’t feel like Spring, April has been so cold) there will be events for the whole family (maximum six members excluding small animals). Socially distanced morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers is likely, but there’ll be no clacking of sticks or such interaction between them. A kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds is very likely as Noel says he needs the publicity and of course the highlight of the afternoon will be the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2021 (He crown and robes will be thrown to her or him from a safe distance (2 metre plus).

This year the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems” will be for viewing only from a safe distance, as will Flintlock Farm’s Mobile (Non)Petting Zoo. Derek Shipston’s (non-violent, non-swearing PC) Punch & Judy show is likely to be set up to entertain Covid free children and the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors plan to stage their once popular The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field.

Have happy and safe Mayday.Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.

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All Political Roads (allegedly) Lead To Beckworth

Local MP at the heart of all recent Tory scandals… Obtaining a £6,000,000 to provide PPE despite never having supplied medical supplies (and not actually supplying anything so far), Diddy David Cameron’s lobbying, the failure of Track & Trace and Boris Johnsons redecoration of Downing Street… He is also claiming it was he who told Boris to say **** another lockdown, lets line the streets with dead bodies…

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Prince Philip Funeral To Be Shown On The Biggish Screen

Hello my loyal subjects of Beckworth. Firstly may I extend, on your behalf, my condolences to HM The Queen for the loss of her dear husband of thirty years, Prince Philip. Secondly due to my personal generosristy I will allow the general public to view the funeral on biggish office TV which I will place, facing the street, on my windowsill. Due to social distancing please keep your family bubbles 2metres apart from others (or sit in your cars) and do refrain from drinking, swearing & picnicking outside the council offices. I do hope you’ll join me in watching the Duke’s last journey. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

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