Please friends and neighbours, come and see in the year of the rat tonight, at The Bamboo Caravan. To celebrate new year every dish on the menu, including our new vegan options, will be made from rat… Only joking! They will include beef, which tastes a lot like rat if its over-cooked. We were hoping to have the Chinese State Mime School do their annual rough approximation of dragon procession through the restaurant and the public toilets next door, but due to travel restriction they can’t come to the UK, so Geri Halliwell and some girl guides will do it instead…. And to see the year in, customers spending over £55 (per head) will get a free sparkler to wave around at midnight. Alan Ip. Manager. Bamboo Caravan.
Breaking entertainment news just in…. One of Beckworth’s less well known, or funny, local impersonators (and street cleaner) has announced he is to take immediate retirement due to the untimely sad death of his hero, and subject of his entire act. Nick Parsnips says he could probably never again perform his tribute to Nicholas Parsons without crying, unless fans force him out of retirement… Which I have to say, having seen his act the last time he performed it over 15 years ago, is highly unlikely. I wish him the best in retirement, the high street will be a very slightly less tidy place without Nick smoking a “rolly” whilst leaning on his broom and shouting “i’m live from Norwich” or “you’ve got one minute to get past me without deviation” to the puzzlement of passers-by. I would like to extend my sincere condolences to Mr Parsnips’s wife for putting up with him and especially to the family of TV and radio legend Nicholas Parsons. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Sale Of The Century Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Today is the saddest, most depressing day of the year, so to celebrate we are offering 30% off all anti-depressants and tissues. Also our redecorated health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers passport photos if you want a professional selfie taken to cheer you up. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince is a “qualified” photographer *, so he knows all about lighting and cameras and stuff. When he’s not taking dodgy photos Vince also offers treatments for most ailments, but if they’re serious go to a GP as they’ll know what they’re talking about, probably. As they say on Casualty “the doctor” will see you now…
Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.
* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real photographer. It’s more an inferred term to get him insured.
Breaking vacuous reality TV news just in… A good-looking young billionaire toff has been unceremoniously booted off the terrible yet addictive viewing sex programme Love Island for shooting rhinos, squirrels and hippos… I kid you not, in breaks between filming him kissing and canoodling lasses from the Thames Estuary he has been out big game hunting and posting videos on tinder or grinder or wherever it is you post such guff… But good news for us is that local legend, Jack Agoogoo (Fresh from losing I’m A Celebrity) is being flown out to join the cast and no doubt prove a hit with the ladies… His sister, Nelly has just texted me that he is being paid “over fifty quid and a years worth of condoms” to go on it. She added she’d asked if she could also go on it, but sadly there weren’t any other vacancies. Bad luck Nelly, Good luck to Jack. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Reality TV Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today a nervous Prince William joined his brother Harry, his Dad Charles, and beloved ancient Grandma (The Queen) in “crisis” talks to iron out details of how he and his American wife Meghan Markle could stop being Royalists and become parliamentarians or nationalists or something… The talks took place away from the glare of the tabloid media at the Queens holiday home in Slocombe (“Randy Bulls” static caravan park) and were said to have gone “well” despite Mrs Markle failing to get through on the phone… But i’ve been in contact with a close friend of one of Randy Bull’s security guards who said the outcome may have been cordial but there was lots of screaming, crying, fists thumping during the talks… Then they found out that was just Prince Philip trying to get into the Queens caravan. The security guard, who was listening at a window, says Mr & Mrs Markle demands include wanting to be able to market being “ex” Royals to make lots of cash, as they “want to out Beckham the Beckhams”… The ex-Prince is hoping to launch his own brand of of male grooming products (and wants to take style tips from Mr Beckham, such as getting tattoos and wearing vests), and Mrs Meg wants to get business advice from Victoria so she can launch a jewellery brand, Markle’s Royal Sparkles, to sell fake crowns, orbs and tiaras, etc. I wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and every success, especially with the cheap jewellery. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today everyone woke up to the sad news that Prince William and his wife Meghan Markle are to step down from Royal duties and become just plain Mr & Mrs, but i’ve been in close contact with a close friend of Meghans to dig deeper and find the truth behind the headlines… Mrs Markle’s confidant let me know the real reason they want to retire early and move to the USA when I was promised to keep the truth secret. But being an investigative journalist means I must betray their trust and let my dear readers know the truth. Especially as the real reason is so banal. Megan’s lady-in-waiting said that whilst Mrs Markle wants to spend time with her baby son George not working for the rest of life is primarily so she can spend time with her Mum when her Mum retires in the next few months. Her mum, German President Angela Merkel, has always been very close to her daughter and Mrs Angula is said to consider son-in-law Prince William as her own flesh and blood, especially as he’s of German descent. Therefore he’s happy to get learn a trade and get a “normal job”, perhaps plumbing as he loves pipes, to support his new extended family. It is said that William’s Dad Prince Charles is livid as he’d always hoped his son would become a gardener like himself. I personally wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and a happy life together. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Happy New Year to all Beckworthians. I hope this message finds you well rested and ready to work extra hard this year (and decade). I myself have been away for my annual two week jaunt to the magical and hot far east and so once again missed out on Beckworth’s New Years’ eve (council funded) entertainment on the rain sodden sports field. I have been told by many of my staff that all went smoothly… The traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to 2019) eventually happened thanks to the last minute purchase of petrol from the 24 hour garage and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth was a great success to welcome in 2020. Once again due to council cut backs there was no breathtaking pyrotechnic display this year, but the money saved is better spent going towards good causes such as having a new large TV and Alexa in the Mayoral office. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was well attended, with three people taking part, although one was unintentional and needed rescuing by our brave boys and girls of the fire brigade, bravo to them. So here’s to a prosperous new decade. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor