Breaking sad loss news just in… It is with a sad heart that I must inform you that local comedy legend Bobby Ball has passed away in hospital due to Covid 19. Bobby was best know as the talented half of comedy duo Holland & Barrett who graced our TVs in the 1980s and toured the country in recent years. Bobby also played Lee Mack‘s dad in the TV hit sitcom “I’m Going Out”. His comedy partner Tommy said Bobby will be greatly missed by friends and family alike, but mostly by his tribute act Robby Hall, who is said to beside himself with grief (although he is still taking bookings)… Our thoughts go out to Bobby’s family, but thank God we’ve got such a caring, responsible Government in charge keeping the rest of us safe and Covid free. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief In Mourning Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Breaking ex-pop star news just in… I’ve just come off an enlightening zoom call with my cousin’s good friend, and head of NHS Track & Trace Dido Harding. Dido was keen to speak despite being in the middle of singing lessons as she wanted to give her side of the story concerning track and trace failures since she took over control. Dido was famously a pop-singer before heading up the phone company Talk Talk and marrying into Tory “Royalty” She explained it’s very hard run track & trace when you’ve no idea what it is and you’re only doing it for the money whilst rehearsing for a world tour in support of a forthcoming album, her first in 17 years… Dido went onto say “Until I got the handsomely paid job I had no inkling of what the NHS was, i’ve always gone private.” and when offered the T&T job she told great friend and PM Boris Johnson that she had no time for it… But our great leader said she could probably just do it in her spare time, which is exactly what she’s been doing. “it’s actually been great getting the NHS wages as my husband (Another Tory MP and friend of Boris) and I want to buy a Scottish castle next year.” Finally she said “When I get the time, post rehearsals and the albums released, i’ll see how Track & Trace is doing… Thanks for reminding me i’d forgotten all about it!” If anyone can get the NHS Track & Trace working I believe its Dido. Who knows she may even write a catchy pop song about it whilst developing a Covid vaccine!! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief NHS Covid Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Breaking Free School Dinners News Just In… I’ve just bumped into my slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source, who had plenty to share on the subject of giving poor children free food in the holidays. He revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that this Government would not cow-tow to left wing do-gooders and footballers and feed the nations’ hungry young. He went on to reveal that when he was young he never went hungry as he had both a nanny and a cook, both of who’m never asked for Government hand-outs like too many people do these days. Nor did he go cap in hand when he was a member of the elite Bullingdon Club alongside his best mate Boris. “Unlike the youth of today, we stood on our own two feet… And then would fall over.” he went on to add “It was our butlers and man servants that picked us up from the gutter, not the Government or local authorities.” He also blamed the media for “cooking” up a storm to distract from Covid, which the Tories have under control. Before passing out in a hedge he told me “Never before has any ruling party done so much for the poor, for instance we made sure chip shops stayed open during lockdown because that’s all the unemployed eat!” I must say I whole heartedly agree, the poor need to take responsibility for being impoverished and stop blaming BMW and Jaguar owners. It’s not our fault you’re bad with money. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Poverty Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello to all my loyal subjects, aka the Coxettes, it’s your beautiful & modest Prof Brian Cox CBE here. Yet again I am using my unimaginably high IQ to improve your lock-down lives. Twice every year I get asked the same question, or a crass variation on, why do the clocks change… As i’ve answered it numerous times let me just copy and paste my enlightening reposte from many years ago. That way I can get back to watching Strictly whilst zooming my celebrity pals….
The answer to why do “the clocks change” in Autumn and Spring is, like so many of today’s conundrums steeped in mystery, but I can tell you now that once again it’s down to our old friends the Romans. (Who were an ancient people all of whom were born in Rome).
We have to go back to 103BC when the Roman’s lust for entertainment was at it’s height, and audiences we were especially keen on timed gladiatorial fights. The only problem was no one could actually time them as time itself was yet to invented. The promise of time had been bandied about about for centuries ever since a Greek had mentioned it in passing, but no one could actually define it. The roman people were growing restless and wanting to pacify them Roman Emperor Julius Timius demanded that someone invent time and set it as a competition. Many scientists and philosophers tried and failed, but one day a lowly scribe, Minitus Hourius, noted that maybe time could be described as “the duration between the sun rising and setting”, and “that if divided into smaller bits such as hours and minutes things could at last be timed.” Through trial and error over many months it was found that daylight could be divided into 12.03 hours with each hour being roughly 60 minutes long (the 24 hour day and seconds would not be invented for another 200 years). At last citizens could time gladiator battles and were very happy, young Minitus was even given his own chariot as way of thanks … but a few years later unrest returned. Because the daylight hours weren’t exactly 12 hours long every six months there was a whole spare hour left over that no one knew what to do with (hence the expression “to have time on your hands”). Once again it was our friend Minitus who came good and his solution was to put the clocks backwards in Autumn, and to maintain decorum, forward in the Spring. A tradition that continues to this day.
So there you go, another Did You Know This fact complete. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox CBE.
This is a message to all of you wanting to get slaughtered (at a safe social distance, or at least whilst sober) and buy groceries at the same time… In light of confusing messages from the pathetic Local Authority & Government and the need to close at 10pm your favourite local pub is going to (re)open half of the bar as a “grocers”. During lockdown we teamed up with TV’s favourite bald foody bloke (No not Heston, we’re talking about Greg Wallace) to re-open as a green grocer. And so, to keep the pub afloat financially and our loyal staff gainfully employed we’ve called on Mr Greg once again… Yes, The Blind Badger is once again going to embrace second rate fruit & veg to become your local “farm” shop, whilst serving warm ale and the last of out-of-date snacks. We’ve converted the car park back into an extra beer “garden” to serve literally hundreds of drunken customers. The family room will sadly no longer be open to families (kids are banned as they are the ones spreading the virus) and the toilets are out of bounds so please spend a penny before you visit us. But worry not, if the cheap drinks go straight through you as there’s a hedge near by and the graveyard is a short walk away should you get caught short… To launch the farm shop in “style” Greg’s Aussie mate from Masterchef (sorry I can’t remember his name) will be DJing tonight, but be warned in line with stupid Covid advice anyone dancing, singing or talking loudly will be barred. Also to show our support, anyone wearing the clobber of a frontline worker will get entered into a prize draw to win some of last year’s mince pies. See you this evening! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager and Fruit & Veg Assistant, The Blind Badger Grocers & Pub
Hello Beckworth. This is your “i’ve had Covid, recovered quickly because i’m tough and now i’m immune” leader speaking… May I thank all the readers and contributors of this website for your patience and only one complaint (from my wife but that’s another issue) I received during our furlough-imposed near absence during the past few months. Bizarrely the majority of posts that seem to be getting through regularly are from the prison, but my close friend the Governor is trying to stamp that out. The good new is that the site should be back to running normally any day, or week, soon… The mangy dogs, known as the IT department, still managed to create mayhem during the summer with their annual strike but thanks to many phone calls with arbitration and HR we have managed to sack them. Good riddence to bad rubbish I am saying. We are now advertising the posts, so if you know anyone with a little knowledge about computers and the interweb please get in touch. Probably best to ring as the ex-IT department have disabled all our email addresses. Anyway, its nice to spread joy and good news during a time of pandemic… Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello, I hope you’re all keeping well and aren’t in a terrible lockdown tier, our thoughts are with you. It’s shocking to think show one was broadcast the first week of lockdown, and here we (almost) are again. A big thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show, on www.madwaspradio.com, and below is this week’s playlist.
The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure on Soundcloud.com just search for Inmate B42359. Please don’t forget to send my cellmate Len music related queries for his Listerpedia slot and we’d love to hear about your charity shop bargain finds…
so please email us at inmateB42359@gmail.com
01 Sea Salt & Caramel – Dent May
02 Last Train - The Midnight
03 Levi Stubbs’ Tears - Billy Bragg
04 Young Man, Old Man [You Ain’t Better Than The Rest] - The Dissociatives
05 Dig A Hole - Mav Karlo
06 Hurt - Arlo Parks
07 Loaded Primal Scream
08 Gonna Fix You Good (Everytime You’re Bad) - The Alan Bown Set
09 Friday On My Mind - The Easybeats
10 Mad World - Gary Jules
11 The World Is Perfect - Tina Dickow
12 Reunion - Samantha Crain
13 Hot Like - Jungle Pottery
14 Loop De Loop Mambo - The Robins
Hello, I hope you’re all keeping well, keeping the rule of six and are on top of the ever-changing rules… The main thing is keep safe.
A big thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show, on www.madwaspradio.com, and below is this week’s playlist.
The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure on Soundcloud.com just search for Inmate B42359. Please don’t forget to send my cellmate Len music related queries for his Listerpedia slot… so please email us at inmateB42359@gmail.com
01 Texas Drums Pt I – Pottery
02 Pastime - Samantha Crain
03 I Wouldn’t Believe Your Radio - Stereophonics
04 When I Return to the World - Blackroom
05 American Woman - The Guess Who
06 Walking The Dog - Rufus Thomas
07 Double Sided Mirror - Cold Beat
08 Don’t Let Me Go ft. Arctic Lake - Lane 8
09 Rare Air - Mildlife
10 October - U2
11 To Be Without You - Ryan Adams
12 Step On - Happy Mondays
13 Shack Up - A Certain Ratio
14 Mr Lee - The Bobbettes
Hello, I hope you’re all keeping well and aren’t struggling after months of Covid restrictions…
A big thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show, www.madwaspradio.com, and below is this week’s playlist.
The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure on Soundcloud.com just search for Inmate B42359. Please don’t forget to send my cellmate Len music related queries for his Listerpedia slot…
so please email us at inmateB42359@gmail.com
01 Be A Rebel (edit) – New Order
02 Baby Let’s Make It Real - Eels
03 Ready or Not - Haley Blais
04 Gramarye - Remy Zero
05 Keep On Running - Spencer Davis Group
06 Who Do You Love? - The Misunderstood
07 LANDR-dreaming - Tom Ashlee (Unsigned)
08 Milk And Alcohol - Dr. Feelgood
09 Cherry Bomb - Runaways
10 Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
11 More Rain - Samurai
12 Clouds Of Saint Marie - Pêtr Aleksänder
14 I Could Use A Miracle - Dent May
15 Milk And Honey - Hollie Cook
16 Encyclopedia of Classic Takedowns - A.C. Newman
17 Harlem - George Scott-Wood