Crap App Causes Mayhem & Empty Shelves

NHS App news just in… Just as we were all enjoying the relaxation of all draconian Covid rules, no more mask, no social distancing, drinking in pubs and hugging each other with gay abandon whilst we enjoy the long delayed hot weather, we hear that the grossly expensive and hardly worth the bother NHS Track & Trace app is causing mayhem. It is causing far too many double-dosed people to self-isolate rather than, as our brave Prime Minister wanted to do, ignore it and carry bravely on. Our local shops have empty shelves (out local off licence has run out of wine and champers), the pub has too few bar staff and even the funeral directors are post-poning funerals due to a lack of staff to carry coffins. This madness has to stop, let herd immunity rule, and we can get back to normal, apart from the odd sniffle… Yes there are those who are vulnerable, but as Boris has pointed out, they can still wear masks, avoid going on buses (walking would be good for them) and go to the supermarkets when the rest of us are at home… Midnight would seem sensible, if the shops are open… I’ll keep you posted when the off licence has good vino back in, Christine Batley. Deputy Chief NHS App Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Allegedly Socially Distanced Summer Solstice Celebrations At Dawn Tomorrow

Nudity news just in… Fans of sexual-depravity and going around naked have been allowed, by a court (where do they get these liberal lefty judges), to most likely bring shame to Beckworth… For on the morrow before the sun rises unemployed dirty scroungers, calling themselves Druids, witches and crusties, will be allowed (as they allegedly have for millenia) to congregate and fornicate at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. How they can do this and stay two metres apart God only knows! These Druid druggies always claim to be celebrating the summer solstice, which to decent clothes-wearing folk is actually called the Longest day. The left-wing scum will no-doubt be joined by crowds of baying doggers and photographers with long lenses to see the sun rise… I myself will be staying well clear, I’m not reporting on old bearded men and haggard women having sexual intercourse, and worse, in a stone circle that early in the morning… No wonder the Indian Delta variant of Covid is on the loose when such anarchistic events are allowed to happen by the courts of this land. I think all such hippy events should be banned, why not do the fornicating, chanting & dancing in the privacy of their own caravans, or whatever they call home. I bet the majority of those who’ll be there are on this stupid money-drain called furlough, they should be doing something more constructive with their day, like watching day time telly. I myself have a long standing way to celebrate the solstice, with a few bottles of cheap wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and copies of Hello and Tatler magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Nonsence Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

This Weekend’s Fan Convention Postponed (Again)

Apologies to all. This weekend’s News At Ten fan convention has been postponed for the second year due to the ongoing draconian lock-down measures being in place. As you will be aware only six are currently allowed to meet indoors, except at weddings and sporting events. The organisers had protested that a fan convention should be classed as sport but a licence was sadly declined. Although the scout hut location for the event is perfect for small gatherings, based on previous years we expecting crowds of 7 or 8 attendees. Organisers hope to host the event later in the year unless, thanks to the UK’s current very lax border control & lack of robust travel restrictions, we are in the midst of a fourth or fifth wave of Covid. I’ll let you know the new date when I have it. Gary Grimsby. Mayor 

Local Tourist Attraction Set To Re-Open

Dear all. Just to let you know that the town is expecting coach-loads of vaccinated OAP tourists next week when Beckworth’s premier attraction Derek Peculiar’s House Of Peculiarities reopens after a covid restriction forced it to shut. Mr Derek’s famous nephew, Hugh Grant, will be on hand to unlock (and clean?) his dead Uncle’s life work on Monday, or Tuesday. Given the status of the attraction Mr Hugh is expecting a very long queue, with gaps of 2 metres and masks worn at all times. Famed amateur psychic and welder Mr Peculiar originally opened the “museum of the strange” almost 50 years ago back in 1975 to display his vast collection of very odd things bought on his travels welding around the world, the highlight being his unique collection of scale models made from elastic bands. I’m looking forward to visiting myself but will wait for a day when there’s nothing on telly. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information