All Political Roads (allegedly) Lead To Beckworth

Local MP at the heart of all recent Tory scandals… Obtaining a £6,000,000 to provide PPE despite never having supplied medical supplies (and not actually supplying anything so far), Diddy David Cameron’s lobbying, the failure of Track & Trace and Boris Johnsons redecoration of Downing Street… He is also claiming it was he who told Boris to say **** another lockdown, lets line the streets with dead bodies…

Double Celebration In Beckworth, Infection Rates Drop & It’s World Book Day

Vaccine & reading news news just in… Good news at last after a very bleak 12 months. Beckworth’s local hospital trust has just announced via TikTok that locally new Covid infections rate have probably dropped by at least 13% in the last four weeks and hospital admissions by a similar amount in the last week or so… The announcement was made by head of A&E Dr Raj Mombai who had initially dressed as Dr Jekyll in celebration of World Book day, and then reappeared to show himself giving vaccines to the over 60s whilst dressed as Mr Hyde. Well done to Dr Raj and all the NHS staff (especially those who wore fancy dress today). Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Covid 19 Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

A Sad End To A Priceless Artistic Masterpiece Worth Millions

Breaking street art news just in… It is with a heavy heart that I have to report that our very own genuine Banksy masterpiece, nicknamed “snowsy” is no more… Likely to be worth more than it’s weight in gold the beautiful snow sculpture was gifted to the town this week by the mysterious artist. Pompous art critics across the globe hailed it as a celebration of the vaccine programme. Probably. But now it’s gone. A victim of vandalism, or perhaps global warming as the snow is melting fast. Your very own newspaper had tried to start a campaign to save the priceless work of art but we got very little in the way of donations. Now all the lockdown weary World has our memories, a half eaten carrot and in my case damp shoes from tramping across town to keep taking bloody photos.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Street Art Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


Campaign Launched To Save Our Fragile “Banksy”

Further street art news just in… Due to my reporting and hence the global interest in our very own Banksy snow sculpture, nicknamed by moi as “Snowsy”, your local paper has decided it needs saving for the nation. We are starting a fund to buy a freezer to put it in so we can save it for all those who believe that art lifts spirits during lockdown (yeah, right!) and then sell it for millions of pounds. It needs saving quick as it’s already only half the sculpture it was due to being left out on the street… To be honest it looks a bit crap now but then I wasn’t a big fan of it anyhow until I found out it was worth shedloads!

Why not donate a few hundred pounds to keep this art in the UK (or at least until we can auction it off)… Think of it is an icy ISA, an ethical investment… And if you have a big freezer why not donate that as well?

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Street Art Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


Banksy Sculpture Appears Overnight

Street art news just in… The snow has been bringing joy to the whole town these past couple of days, lifting our lockdown weary spirits and making us remember life’s simpler pleasures of yesteryear (snowball fights outside the pub, drinking snowballs inside the pub, smoking, etc). Then, a bit like a very late Christmas present unknown street artist Banksy has gifted to Beckworth a beautiful life-size snow sculpture of the goddess Neptune (or so i’m told). It did have a carrot nose but that has fallen off… I’ve seen the sculpture for myself (someone has to take the ruddy photos since we sacked the paper’s snapper for misconduct), it’s ok if you like that sort of thing (I don’t). Some so-called art critics have called it a masterpiece and named it “My Snowman Has No Nose (How Does He Smell?)” but i prefer “Snowsy”. Even the town’s mayor has described it as an asset and hope’s that once lockdown is lifted later in the year tourists will flock to see it… More fool them. Anyway i’ll keep you posted in case any celebs like Rita Ora break lockdown to get a selfie next to it. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Street Art Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette