Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
What better way could there be to start the new year than with a January sale on one of life’s little essentials. Your funeral. Come and see us friendly folk at Fawke’s next Monday to buy the send off of your dreams. For that day only all funerals will have an astounding 10% off. So can you really afford to miss out on this golden opportunity? After all you could be knocked down by a bus on Tuesday and you’d want to be prepared for Mr Death’s visit. So don’t delay, come and see us Monday. Yours Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals
What better way could there be to celebrate Father’s Day than with a family day-out to visit us friendly folk at Fawke’s. We understand that buying a gift for the ungrateful old duffer can be a real grind, and a waste of money especially since he’s needlessly spending all your inheritance by living in a nursing home. But a visit to us means your dilemma is over and will show your Dad and jealous siblings why you should be the sole inheritor. Our team of experts can distract Dad with a cup of weak tea and a chat about the war and his penchant for cross-dressing whilst you discreetly make his funeral arrangements. As a special offer (on Sunday only) we are giving 15% off all our paternal funerals, as long as you put down an 85% non-refundable deposit and can guarantee the old fella will be buried in the next three months. So swing by on Sunday with your unwanted father and we’ll have him measured up for a coffin before you can say “poor sod has no idea what day of the week it is, so it’s more humane this way.” All dad’s, young and old, tall or small, lean or slightly portly are welcome (but not too heavy please; as “big-boned” oldies are a bugger to carry without dropping). So if you want a little help with Mr Death visiting your Pa soon come and see us, we’ll make his speedy journey to the grave seem like it was natural causes. Job done. Yours Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.
At Fawke’s we know that buying the perfect gift on father’s day is very stressful, would he want aftershave again, a new lawnmower or a trip to see a Thai masseuse? Decisions are hard to make, that’s why we’ve solved your dilemma and have the perfect gift that shows you care. Together with our team of experts you can make his funeral arrangements and as a special offer (for this weekend only) we are giving 20% off all our paternal funerals. So why not swing by with your Dad for tea and a chat and we can measure him up for that final trip of a lifetime. Father’s young and old are welcome, because let’s face it Mr Death will come knocking whatever age you get to. But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got paid-for celebrity testimonials:
If ever I was dead, or feeling unwell, I would want a Fawkes funeral… or something similar but a lot cheaper – Daniel Craig, 007
I’ve already picked out a camouflaged coffin with a gun turret and laser beams for my big day – Ross Kemp
They do nice sandwiches and flowers – Victoria Pendleton
Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.