Gary Grimsby MBE
Hello Beckworth. It’s your glorious Mayor here… Don’t forget tomorrow, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. All sellers have been in quaranteen & tested daily for a couple of weeks whilst staying at the local campsite, so are Covid free. This is the first chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders and to be abused in two languages. Last years online event was sadly a debacle not to be repeated. Cheese doesn’t travel well in the post from France… Due to social distancing we will be limiting numbers entering the market and queueing systems will be in place… Alcohol will be prohibited offered due to previous drunken incidents by a rowdy few.
As is traditional (face mask wearing) Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday and parade along Floyd Street to the market.
If the weather perks up (it doesn’t feel like Spring, April has been so cold) there will be events for the whole family (maximum six members excluding small animals). Socially distanced morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers is likely, but there’ll be no clacking of sticks or such interaction between them. A kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds is very likely as Noel says he needs the publicity and of course the highlight of the afternoon will be the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2021 (He crown and robes will be thrown to her or him from a safe distance (2 metre plus).
This year the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems” will be for viewing only from a safe distance, as will Flintlock Farm’s Mobile (Non)Petting Zoo. Derek Shipston’s (non-violent, non-swearing PC) Punch & Judy show is likely to be set up to entertain Covid free children and the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors plan to stage their once popular The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field.
Have happy and safe Mayday.Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s locked park gates
Hello Beckworth. This is your C-Virus free leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce, that as of midnight tonight all non-essential shops will close in Beckworth and surrounding towns and villages. Food retailers, off licences, chemists, carpet showrooms, banks and post offices will remain open for the time being, but if visiting any of these please consider others and keep two metres apart. The park remains open but only for jogging, no walking please as this will lead to congestion. We need to take this virus very seriously, I myself am in lockdown keeping the council running on your behalf, with only the council staff to bring me anything I require at any time. Keep home, keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) A very well locked Beckworth shop earlier today
Hello Beckworth. This is your leader speaking. Like many of you I am currently working from home, with my council staff delivering food and meals to me… As you know we took the decision this week to postpone the Annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market, which was due to happen today. We looked at taking the event online, using video calling, but when we tried it on Friday it proved impossible to get the animals to “perform to camera.” So now the free event will most likely be postponed until Father’s Day… We’re not sure when that is but Countryfile‘s John Craven (who will host the event) has said he’ll try and find out. I’ll keep you posted, and in the meantime if you have any home-cooked meals or alcoholic drink to deliver to me, please leave all items in my porch, ring the doorbell and run. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.
(Above) An artists accurate depiction of the empty market yesterday, or perhaps today
Happy New Year to all Beckworthians. I hope this message finds you well rested and ready to work extra hard this year (and decade). I myself have been away for my annual two week jaunt to the magical and hot far east and so once again missed out on Beckworth’s New Years’ eve (council funded) entertainment on the rain sodden sports field. I have been told by many of my staff that all went smoothly… The traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to 2019) eventually happened thanks to the last minute purchase of petrol from the 24 hour garage and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth was a great success to welcome in 2020. Once again due to council cut backs there was no breathtaking pyrotechnic display this year, but the money saved is better spent going towards good causes such as having a new large TV and Alexa in the Mayoral office. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was well attended, with three people taking part, although one was unintentional and needed rescuing by our brave boys and girls of the fire brigade, bravo to them. So here’s to a prosperous new decade. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor
Hello Beckworth. This is your glorious leader speaking. I wanted to take this opportunity to wish almost all of you a wonderful Christmas, and to ask for you to be vigilant. Yesterday some mindless vandals vandalised my precious 2 year old BMW, removing something called a Calorific Converter, rendering the car immobile. They also left white dog poo on my gravel driveway. MAY THEY ROT THIS FESTIVE SEASON!!!! If you witnessed either event please inform the Police, we need this scum off the streets NOW. Also if you have a posh car I can borrow until mine is fixed I would be very grateful. It would need delivering to my home asap with a full tank of petrol and travel sweets in the glove-box. Thanking you most warmly, Merry Christmas. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.
Good morning Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening (or Wednesday if we don’t get replacement light bulbs in time) the actor who played Bungle the bear in 1970s rock band Rainbow will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. We tested the lights a few nights ago but they all blew hence the postponement of the great switch on… Mr Bungle has said he is happy stay on to meet his fans after the switch-on (he’ll be in the Blind Badger pub) and you can buy autographed photos from him there. The theme of this year’s Christmas display is misshapen vegetables due to the display being sponsored by local misshapen grocer Greg “Masterchef” Wallace. See you tomorrow, or Wednesday, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Good afternoon Beckworth. I’m sorry to be the one to impart bad news, especially this late in the day, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again this year… It appears to be the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after the ban was lifted last year which led to many, many reports of muggings by the town’s fearless under 10s. Most of the juvenile delinquents are believed to be travellers who camp outside the town from September to March (we’ve tried and failed every Autumn to get these scoundrels moved on but they claim their camp in forest near Beckworth is their “birthright” just because it’s called Gypsy Hill and the courts oddly agree with the blighters). Other young ne’er-do-wells are believed to emanate from the council estate so the police will put on more armed patrols on those litter-strewn streets. I know there will be an outcry from the vegan yummy-mummys and their Satan worshipping offspring, but I trust for the majority of us the ban will make enjoyment of all-hallows eve much safer and fun. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council