Hello Beckworth. It’s your glorious Mayor here… Don’t forget tomorrow, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. All sellers have been in quaranteen & tested daily for a couple of weeks whilst staying at the local campsite, so are Covid free. This is the first chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders and to be abused in two languages. Last years online event was sadly a debacle not to be repeated. Cheese doesn’t travel well in the post from France… Due to social distancing we will be limiting numbers entering the market and queueing systems will be in place… Alcohol will be prohibited offered due to previous drunken incidents by a rowdy few.
As is traditional (face mask wearing) Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday and parade along Floyd Street to the market.
If the weather perks up (it doesn’t feel like Spring, April has been so cold) there will be events for the whole family (maximum six members excluding small animals). Socially distanced morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers is likely, but there’ll be no clacking of sticks or such interaction between them. A kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds is very likely as Noel says he needs the publicity and of course the highlight of the afternoon will be the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2021 (He crown and robes will be thrown to her or him from a safe distance (2 metre plus).
This year the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems” will be for viewing only from a safe distance, as will Flintlock Farm’s Mobile (Non)Petting Zoo. Derek Shipston’s (non-violent, non-swearing PC) Punch & Judy show is likely to be set up to entertain Covid free children and the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors plan to stage their once popular The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field.
Have happy and safe Mayday.Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Happy New Year to my subjects in Beckworth. . Firstly may I thank you for, almost, all following guidelines and staying home… One or two dozen covidiots did venture out and were promptly arrested, but on the whole the town was eerily quiet. It is the first time in many a decade that the revived traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2020, could not go ahead… Kirstie Allsopp had knitted an effigy during lockdown, and her husband Phil Spencer a very realistic paper-mache Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2021. As we couldn’t use either it has been decided to add both to the towns’ museum as a poignant reminder of the dreadful last year and the resilience of the towns folk and especially the stoic leadership of the Mayoral office…And the money saved by the lack of a pyrotechnic display at midnight will be used for local good causes such as repainting the town hall and buying a new Mayor’s car. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2021.Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Good eventide Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evenings ”virtual” switching on of Beckworth’s “online” Christmas lights has been postponed until we find a new celebrity to do the honours. We had lined up Betty “Pretty” Patel, (local home-secretary look-alike) to switch them on but due to unfounded allegations of bullying she’s had to pull out. If you know someone slightly well known who’s talented enough to pretend to flick a switch, let us know… Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello my dear townsfolk. It’s your lockdown leader here with news about tonights bonfire celebrations… As you know lockdown and budget cuts mean that this year’s bonfire celebrations won’t be happening tonight. Sadly, not even online. We had hoped to create an amazing virtual event, with a video of a bonfire, an animated guy, and the local Peppa Pig tribute band playing songs online for you all to dance to sing and dance along to. We also hoped to have onscreen fireworks. But sadly as we don’t currently have an IT department we had to give up… For now. We do hope to have a bonfire celebration of sorts in the New Year once we’ve seen off Covid and can mix together without fear of death. So that’s something to look forward to. I have been told that Prof Brian Cox may tell the story of the gunpowder plot via zoom, but that’s not been confirmed as we can’t afford to pay him. Have a safe Bonfire night. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayo
Hello Beckworth. This is your “wartime” leader speaking. I use the term war because we are battling an invisible enemy, Covid, and we need to kill it once and for all. Last night our beloved leader Boris cautiously announced we should enter another period of lock down as he’s having a few issues with track and trace not working. I wanted to share with you my pearls of wisdom… It seems like only yesterday when, due to lockdown part one, I was ordering my PA to make me ermine trimmed mayoral face-masks… And here we are again. At least we are better prepared this time and can look forward to time relaxing with family watching netflix and posting about our wonderful lives on social media… I say to people, look at the month ahead as a holiday. Enjoy it. Fill it with (housebound) adventures, take up a hobby or learn a new skill (i’m going to start investing in bit coins myself. Now’s the time to be making money). It’s also a chance to reflect, and plan an expensive holiday for next year or what new car to buy… Lockdown is really just a state of mind. As my hero Churchill said, when like me he was leading and inspiring his people, “We will fight them (Covid) on the beaches, in the streets, in the pubs and car parks, on the late running trains and in the discos…” We must not let this pandemic defeat us, or interfere with our daily lives… Anyway, i’m off to get a hair cut followed by a slap up feast at my favourite expensive restaurant (its a big family get together) … Keep safe, keep well, Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello Beckworth. This is your “i’ve had Covid, recovered quickly because i’m tough and now i’m immune” leader speaking… May I thank all the readers and contributors of this website for your patience and only one complaint (from my wife but that’s another issue) I received during our furlough-imposed near absence during the past few months. Bizarrely the majority of posts that seem to be getting through regularly are from the prison, but my close friend the Governor is trying to stamp that out. The good new is that the site should be back to running normally any day, or week, soon… The mangy dogs, known as the IT department, still managed to create mayhem during the summer with their annual strike but thanks to many phone calls with arbitration and HR we have managed to sack them. Good riddence to bad rubbish I am saying. We are now advertising the posts, so if you know anyone with a little knowledge about computers and the interweb please get in touch. Probably best to ring as the ex-IT department have disabled all our email addresses. Anyway, its nice to spread joy and good news during a time of pandemic… Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Dear all, support your local establishments and visit them all today.
Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s locked park gates