Life in Beckworth » Benedict Cumberbatch

Cuddly Toy Inventor To Marry For Seventh, Or Eighth, Time

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 13 Nov 2015 12:40:30 +0000

Breaking toy news just in… Local resident, 97 year old Edna Cumberbatch, is to marry husband number seven, or eight, in the new year. A very excited Edna says she has lost count of the marriages and divorces she’s had, but she still believes in love. And sex. Sprightly Edna said her new husband is 78 years her junior and doesn’t speak English, but thankfully he is very “gifted” in other areas. Mrs Cumberbatch, already a mother of 14, says she hopes to have more babies and will start trying on her wedding night. She is of course famous Worldwide as the “mother” of thousands of babies already as she’s the inventor of the Cumberbatch Dolls, which made her a multi-millionaire and quite a catch. She invented the ugly yet cuddly vegetable dolls as a present for a baby Prince Charles (who she’d noticed loved talking to veg and plants) when she was the Queen‘s Lady of The Water Closet. Many famous people own the dolls, even ex-premier Gordon Brown is said to be an ardent collector. But oddly her Grandson Benedict says he doesn’t like them much. Thankfully on the subject of the wedding he was more positive “I’m honoured to be reprising my role of page boy, for the third time, and I may even wear my old Dr Who clobber up the aisle.” Good luck with the baby making to Edna and fiance Mohammad. Christine Batley. Chief Elderly Wedding Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A visibly thrilled Benjamin Cumberbatch cuddles two of his Gran’s dolls

Priceless Pickled Onions Stolen

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 11 May 2014 12:08:17 +0000

Hello. I am hoping you can help because Beckworth has this weekend suffered a tragic loss. Our renowned pickled onion collection, (pictured above) has had some of it’s rarest and pricless unique exhibits stolen. The onions, some dating back to the Norman conquest and valued at over £3.5 million, are usually on display in The Hayward’s Gallery at the Town Hall. Many prize examples were taken, and are probably already being eaten on the black market. We believe the theft occurred sometime between August 2012 and Monday morning just gone, but can’t be more specific as we seldom look at the items on view. The theft was only noted when pickle fan, and local celeb, Benedict Cumberbatch asked for his entrance fee back as most exhibits were missing. The jars of onions are irreplaceable and trace the evolution of pickling through history, the rarest probably being the Henry VIII’s pickles made during a time when only Royalty were allowed to make pickles and relishes. We are desperate to get the collection back, so if you have any information about the theft or where to buy some more please contact me directly, as the Police don’t seem interested. Stella Corby, The Hayward’s Gallery

Public Meeting: Proposed Terry Nutkin Statue

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:38:11 +0000

Hello all, just a reminder that this Thursday there is a public meeting to unveil design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue. Please come and attend to help us choose the winning design. Venue: The John & Yoko Room, The Town Hall. Doors open 7.30 sharp. Refreshments and veggie nibbles will be on sale.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) One of the proposed Nutkin statue designs (by local artist Benedict Cumberbatch)