Life in Beckworth » Countryfile

Postponed Market On This Sunday

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 20:34:40 +0000

Hello. This is a reminder that last week’s postponed Beckworth annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market has been hastily rescheduled for this Sunday. The free event is taking place in the town hall after a mysterious fire destroyed the heavily insured badly-in-need-of-renovation ancient market hall last Saturday. The market will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s Anita Rani and a Z-List celebrity hanger-on Ms Anita met when she won Strictly Come Dancing (It’s someone called Jay who i’ve never heard of but he’s allegedly great with animals. Especially dead ones). It’s bound to be a fascinating day out for the whole family, young, old, blind and infirm, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin underwear, leather chaps to unpasteurized milk and powdered rhino horn. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular “electro” display, Mrs Rani will be giving demonstrations of how easy animal annihilation is and get this…. For just £62 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to belatedly say “happy mother’s day Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy heffer and humanely “sending it to meet it’s maker”. See you there, and remember to wear old clothes and wellies as there will be animal s**t, blood, knackers and guts everywhere. Cheers, Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

(Above, centre) Mrs Rani psychs herself up with a quick boogie in readiness for killing some defenceless cattle on Sunday

Star Spot: The Bloke Off Countryfile

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 09:41:58 +0000

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. I’ve just seen that fella John from Countryfile being filmed chatting to some cows in a field. I asked the farmer what was going on and he told me he think’s they are doing a sequel to the film Being John Malkovitch. He reckons’s it’ll be called Being John Craven. The scenes I saw him doing looked very good, so i can’t wait to see the finished film. Ta ta, Marion

(Above) John Craven chatting to a cow earlier today

Mother’s Day Donkey, Sheep & Poultry Farmer’s Market

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 17:15:31 +0000

Hello. Don’t forget that Beckworth’s annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market is on today. The free event is taking place in the Sainsco car park and will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s John Craven and his co-host who’s name escapes me. It’s a day out for the whole family, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin coats to cosmetics made from donkey entrails. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular displays, and for £50 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to say “I love you Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy ram and humanely putting it “to sleep”. Apologies in advance: due to last year’s sheep dip “invasion” by a group of eight and nine year old anarchists the dipping trough will be heavily guarded by drunk farmers. See you there, and remember to wear wellies as there will be animal s**t everywhere. Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

(Above) Follyfoot Farm’s mobile sheep dip photographed last year just before juvenile anarchists jumped in it