Life in Beckworth » David Beckham

Please Continue To Help SLAPDASH

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 11:41:34 +0000

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to reintroduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House (picture below). For years the house has stood proudly betwixt the gas works and council estate but it is falling into disrepair. I have tirelessly campaigned for the last couple of years to save it for future generations (so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks). Sadly the beautiful whitey-pink-grey dwelling is now almost derelict, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a few years back faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even asked Sports Relief but to no avail as they are very tight-arsed. But dear Beckworth, Shell House is worth saving. It is probably of some cultural importance. This is where cousin David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action on a beach building crude shell sculptures or making wigs and mermaid costumes from seaweed and flotsem and jetsum?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence “Terry” Beckham, and was our third favourite after-school destination when it was raining and we wanted to smoke fags. Great-grandfather would regale us of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house, whilst “peerless” David ignored him and played keepy-ups in the kitchen. The house is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building homes with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it and after two years we’re only up to £2.76. So dig deep. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and public toilets, or you can give it to me in person in the pub (I’m at the bar every night) .

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

Eldest Beckham Boy Signs Pants Modelling Deal

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 12:17:09 +0000

Underwear news just in… Proud parents, and local novelty-gift shop owners, Dave and Vicky Beckham have just announced in a rambling text message that their eldest son, Peckham Beckham, has landed his first two-figure modelling deal. Beckham Jnr, aged 17 and studying cake decorating at catering college, is to be the 2015 face, or rather arse, of Kevin Kline‘s very snug pants and builder’s bum jeans. His father Dave emailed me the picture (see below) and proudly added “he really takes after his old man in the package and buns department, so showing off Kev’s pants and strides is really up his street.” I couldn’t agree more and will post more revealing pictures of Peckham if i can get them!!! Christine Batley. Chief Very Brief Briefs And Super Tight Denim Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Peckham Beckham modelling Kevin Kline pants earlier today

International Show Venue Change

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:15:08 +0000

Hello all. Just to let you know that this years’ much anticipated International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show has been moved due to the original venue, the village hall, having been double booked with an absorbing exhibition of victorian inflatable sex dolls. No stone has been left unturned in finding a new site for the prestigious garden accessory show and I am thrilled to announce that it will now be held in a garage round the back of the health food emporium (once the owner has had a tidy up and removed her car). This is the 13th year that Beckworth is hosting the IWAGSS and it will be opened on Monday at 6.30am by green fingered hose-users, David and Victoria Beckham. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) David and Vicky Beckham arrive early to rehearse opening the International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show

Please Help SLAPDASH

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 09 Mar 2014 17:27:48 +0000

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to introduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House. For years the house has stood proudly near the gas works and council estate and I am tirelessly campaigning to save it for future generations, not least so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks. Sadly, in recent years the beautiful whitey-pink single story dwelling has fallen into dereliction, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even an art’s council grant but to no avail. But dear Beckworth, it is worth saving. It is of major cultural importance. This is where David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action building crude shell sculptures or beach-combing?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence Beckham, and was our favourite after school destination when it was raining. Great-grandfather would tell of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house whilst “peerless” David played keepy-ups in the kitchen. It is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and pub, or you can give it to me in person.

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

(Above) David Beckham’s picturesque ancestral home made of shells and mud

Beckworth Aussie Star Spot Three: David Beckham

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:32:56 +0000

Is David Beckham Australian? I’ve just seen him at the pool having a swimming lesson. In photos it looks like he has a lot of tatoos and muscles, but in reality he’s really skinny and looks a bit Asian. He’s … Continue reading →