Please Help SLAPDASH

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to introduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House. For years the house has stood proudly near the gas works and council estate and I am tirelessly campaigning to save it for future generations, not least so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks. Sadly, in recent years the beautiful whitey-pink single story dwelling has fallen into dereliction, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even an art’s council grant but to no avail. But dear Beckworth, it is worth saving. It is of major cultural importance. This is where David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action building crude shell sculptures or beach-combing?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence Beckham, and was our favourite after school destination when it was raining. Great-grandfather would tell of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house whilst “peerless” David played keepy-ups in the kitchen. It is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and pub, or you can give it to me in person.

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

Beckworth_Shell House_Beckham

(Above) David Beckham’s picturesque ancestral home made of shells and mud

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