Life in Beckworth » Dragon’s Den

Take Off Bake Off

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 11:12:29 +0000

Dear all. Going by all the emails and letters i’ve been getting you are all still as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off last week. Many of us (including the hosts of the show) lost money at the bookies over it. Jack really should be on telly tonight winning the final, not watching it in the pub whilst drowning his sorrows. I’m thinking of starting a campaign to have the programme taken off air tonight such is my disgust at Jack’s treatment. And he was such a sure winner that the TV Times still have him on the cover of this week’s issue! Always the optimist Jack has got onto The Apprentice next week, and has applied for Dragon’s Den (though he’s not got an invention yet) and Grand Designs (he’s thinking of repainting his shed). So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV as of next Wednesday.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) The TV Times which accidentally still features would-be winner Jack (just above the vicar in Grantchester)

Peter’s Pipe Dream Of Pickling Plant Panned

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 09:37:00 +0000

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that due to public pressure poor ex-Dragon’s Den judge Peter Paphites has withdrawn his planning application to build a pickling plant on the site of the Neolithic buriel mound near Slocombe. I think Beckworth will regret this in the long term as it could have created at least 12 jobs and put the district on the pickles map. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Peter Paphitis, would be Prince of Pickles

Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 09:36:04 +0000

Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels

Dragons Den Loses Popular Duvet

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 15:26:22 +0000

Dear all, just thought i’d keep you up to date with the hottest breaking news in Television. I’m shocked to discover that ex-fork lift driver, and local celeb, Hilary Duvet left the popular reality TV series Dragon’s Den last year and no-one noticed. Mrs Duvet was a hugely popular old dragon, with her constant swearing, sarcastic wit and iconic hairstyles, yet she only lasted one series before allegedly running out money. The programme, set in a disused tree-house, follows the real-life comedy capers of five happless millionaires and their quest to find the next successful cooking sauce with a Jamaican music based flavour. During the filming of the programme’s 38th series an inconsolable fellow dragon, who prefered not to be named, was quoted as saying “I’m ******* gutted,” before adding through the tears “She still owes me a fiver for fags.” Thankfully Duncan Bannatyne cheered up when told that handsome dragon Peter Jones was owed £10. Hilary will be missed and we wish her every success in her TV and crane driving careers. Christine Batley. Chief TV Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “In happier times” Hilary Duvet during filming of Dragon’s Den