Life in Beckworth » Jesus

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 23 Dec 2014 23:08:16 +0000

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow night’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 8.45pm and finishing by 10.15 so I can get home to watch the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. Thank God that this year the council’s health & safety department have seen sense, and bowed to government pressure, over-turning their previous ruling that Christmas Eve Midnight Mass could only commence in daylight hours. Sadly church warden Noddy Holder is still off work due to suffering a frozen-shoulder but his “Slade Carol Singers” will be led on guitar by The Queen‘s own Brian May. He will also host a “Karaoke With Jesus & Mince Pies” session in the crypt on Christmas Day morning, which sounds like it will be a wonderful experience to behold. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Guitar legend Brian May, pictured earlier today whilst out shopping, will be playing at midnight mass

Salvation With The Post

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 03 Mar 2014 12:19:28 +0000

Hello all. The Salvation Army today chose Beckworth to launch it’s new national postal service, SalvationMail, with an early morning press conference. The recently appointed head of Salvation Army marketing, Colin Bradford-Bingly, was quoted as saying “Since joining the SA from the Nuclear Industry i’ve been looking to extend the cherished Salvation brand beyond just being an army.” He continued “I’m proud to say the SA was ahead of the curve launching “chuggers”, we were the first charity with a uniform and nice hats and the first to saturate the brass band market… So the marketing team have been “blue sking” and “mind mapping” and came up with idea of launching The Salvation Air Force. Unfortunately the planes cost far too much… even the grounded ones. During a team “brain-storm” it dawned us that if we got some cheap boats it would be a a safe bet to launch The Salvation Navy. But we got into a hoohah with the RNLI over preaching to people in difficulties at sea, so that’s on the back burner for the time being.” He then added “But the recent privatisation of Royal Mail handed us a golden opportunity. The SalvationMail can deliver post at a competitive cost and spread the word of our Lord door to door at the same time. It’s a win-win situation” When asked why Beckworth was chosen for the launch Colin B-B replied “it has great road, rail and footpath connections, a lot of people looking for salvation with their mail… and besides which I live in the town so I didn’t have far to go to get to the press launch” The Salvation Mail will have it’s own stamps, with Jesus on instead of the Queen, and hopes to have it’s own letterboxes and post offices soon “We’re starting small but are looking to rival Royal Mail within 12 months” I’ll let you know when I get more news on this enlightening story… Christine Batley. Chief God’s Own Post Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The world’s first SalvationMail sorting office opens in Beckworth

January Sale At Anglican Windows

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 20:35:54 +0000

Hurry, it’s the last few days of our January sale with up to 10% off our cheap and cheerful double-glazed doors and windows. Based on 2000 year old designs, as laid down in the scriptures by our founders Jesus and his Dad Joseph, all work is carried out by our crack team of genuflecting Anglican priests and comes with God’s very own 3 month guarantee. Satisfied customers include Dale Winton, Ann Widdecombe, Boris Johnson and The Archbishop Of Canterbury. So come on down to your local Anglican Windows showroom and let the The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost into your home, shed or business. God bless you, Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows

(Above) Anglican Windows’ priests fitting and blessing a new toilet window

Sandal Owner Found

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 09 May 2013 09:36:15 +0000

Just to let you know Beckworth detectives have now found the owner of the unisex Jesus sandal alive and well. The footwear was handed into police earlier this week and has since been claimed by local shop owner, and morris dancer, Mr C. Pinner. For those of you following the case the blood stain on the shoe turned out to be spilt paint, not coffee as stupidly suggested by another officer at the station. So we can now rule out Jesus and his followers from our enquiries about found brass instruments. Thankyou PC R. Cowgrove

(Above) Mr Pinner’s beloved sandal

The Lord Rises Early Tomorrow

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 08 May 2013 16:58:17 +0000

Dear all, please come to tomorrow morning’s Ascension Day service to celebrate the resurrected Jesus being taken up to Heaven. It is a time for us all to celebrate his safe journey to visit his Father, and after the service … Continue reading →