Life in Beckworth » Parade

Thank You For The Music

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 24 May 2013 09:40:43 +0000

Hello all. I’d like to thank everyone who took part in, or spectated at, yesterday’s Ava Berlin’s Death and Joan Collin’s Birth Days Parade. It was a fabulous day for all the family, which could perhaps become an annual affair? Thankfully trouble was kept to a minimum with the day only slightly spoilt by a large group of shaven-headed well-wishers drunkenly shouting in German and throwing rocks at the army trucks. Special thanks must go to the star of the parade, birthday girl Joan Collins (90 years young), for portraying our Queen with such aplomb from the roof of a post-office van, and to 11 year old Rebecca Pinner (pictured) of the Beckworth Girl Guide Recorder Group. Rebecca provided the musical accompaniment when she replaced the army marching band at the last minute (the whole band having succumbed to the norovirus after eating dodgy kebabs). I, for one, loved the red arrow flypast and the army vehicle motorcade. Of particular note was army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp looking very proud as he led the parade on his bicycle. So let’s hope we can do it all again next year, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

RIP Ava, Happy Birthday Joan

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:21:23 +0000

Hello all. It is with great sadness that I have to inform you of the terminal death of local WW2 heroine Ava Berlin, who turned 101 just last week. Her daughter Nora, a local Tory MP, says that feisty Ava put up a brave fight right to the end, though she sadly had to be restrained for a few days. But now at last she is happily rejoined with Nora’s father, her beloved Fuhrer. In honour of Miss Berlin’s passing, and to celebrate actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday we are pressing ahead with tomorrow’s much anticipated Ava Berlin Birth (& Death) Day Parade. Mrs Collins has promised to dress as our present monarch instead of Boadicea (she couldn’t get a costume) and sit on a throne tied to the roof of a post-office van. That way everyone can get a good view of her. Always the professional, Joan a keen method actor is already in preperation for the role and her agent (and teenage husband) Timmy has just emailed this picture for all Joan’s fans to see her putting the finishing touches to the Royal lips.

Tomorrow’s parade will commence at 2pm and include a military marching band, armoured vehicles (though I hear the army are currently missing their only tank), the reformed 1980s TV dance-troupe Legs & Co dancing on a lorry and a red-arrows flypast. All through the streets of Beckworth. It’s not to be missed! Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Joan of Arc’s Flaming Lorry Postponed

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 16 May 2013 09:56:33 +0000

Hello all. Just to inform you that today’s much anticipated birthday parade is sadly being postponed, due to reasons beyound our control. Ava Berlin, who turns 101 today is feeling poorly and unable to stand for prolongued periods. Therefore, the idea of her recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc strapped to a burning pole on an HGV lorry is a non-starter. We hope that given time to rest and regain her strength Miss Berlin will be strong enough to lead the parade next Thursday instead. Coincidentally the 23 May is actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday. We are hoping we may be able to get Mrs Collins up on a lorry as well, pehaps portraying ancient war lord, and deceased local celebrity, Boadicea.

Back to today, Ava hopes to be well enough later to salute the assembled crowds, and enpower her followers, from an open care-home window at around 2pm.

Also, pleased be warned; due to the lateness of the postponement tanks will be parked up on the playing fields for the next seven days. But don’t be alarmed as they are only carrying “blank” ammunition in readiness of having a 101 gun salute in Miss Berlins homour. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

101 Not Out

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 14 May 2013 10:36:07 +0000

Hello all. This Thursday local heroine Ava Berlin will turn 101 and to celebrate we will be having a small parade in her honour, complete with military marching band, tanks and a red-arrows flypast, through the streets of Beckworth.

Ava is the World’s last surviving WW2 female pilot, winner of an Iron Cross and was for years a teacher of Chemistry and German at the high school. I’m not alone in fondly remembering how she made school more enjoyable by teaching us how to make pipe-bombs and salute the fuhrer. After bad weather and public disobedience marred Ava’s last birthday parade we thought it fitting, as she’s lasted another 12 months, to have another go. But this time, for the public’s safety, she will be mounted on the back of a truck and supporters of the far-right are banned. Although it was undoubtedly spectacular that she did a very realistic Lady Godiva impersonation galloping on horseback through Beckworth, the police say this year they can’t spare the troops to keep order.
So come and see Miss Berlin recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc on a lorry from 2pm, weather and kindling permitting. She will also be stopping at the public toilets on route to cut her birthday cake and “rest,” should anyone wish to take close-up photos. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor