Hello all. It is with great sadness that I have to inform you of the terminal death of local WW2 heroine Ava Berlin, who turned 101 just last week. Her daughter Nora, a local Tory MP, says that feisty Ava put up a brave fight right to the end, though she sadly had to be restrained for a few days. But now at last she is happily rejoined with Nora’s father, her beloved Fuhrer. In honour of Miss Berlin’s passing, and to celebrate actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday we are pressing ahead with tomorrow’s much anticipated Ava Berlin Birth (& Death) Day Parade. Mrs Collins has promised to dress as our present monarch instead of Boadicea (she couldn’t get a costume) and sit on a throne tied to the roof of a post-office van. That way everyone can get a good view of her. Always the professional, Joan a keen method actor is already in preperation for the role and her agent (and teenage husband) Timmy has just emailed this picture for all Joan’s fans to see her putting the finishing touches to the Royal lips.

Tomorrow’s parade will commence at 2pm and include a military marching band, armoured vehicles (though I hear the army are currently missing their only tank), the reformed 1980s TV dance-troupe Legs & Co dancing on a lorry and a red-arrows flypast. All through the streets of Beckworth. It’s not to be missed! Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor