Life in Beckworth » Prince William

Mrs Princess Middleton Leaves Local Hospital With Baby Princess Gloria

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 02 May 2015 17:58:51 +0000

Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just left Beckworth General Hospital with her baby girl (likely to be named Princess Gloria) in a hire car driven by the baby’s father Prince William. A palace insider has told me that the happy couple are planning on grabbing a “Family Gutbucket” take-out from the recently re-opened Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken cafe on the way home…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Proud parents Prince William and Princess Kate of Middleton leave hospital with their baby daughter Princess Gloria

Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 02 May 2015 09:13:34 +0000

Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

Found: Bride Groom’s Tie

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 22 Mar 2014 09:47:41 +0000

Hello. Big news at the police station this morning as a Groom’s tie has been found attached to a tree. It was found in the early hours by an off-duty member of the fire service who was trying to get a neighbour’s cat down. The area around the tree is currently sealed off whilst anti-terror officers carry out a controlled-explosion in case the tie is a booby-trap. The necktie is made of man-made fibre and looks like the sort of thing worn by Prince William and husbands-to-be such in programmes like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Downton Abbey. So does it belong to you? Have you woken up naked this morning handcuffed to a lamp-post? Are you needing bolt-cutters to get free and a clean pair of pants to hide your frost-bitten modesty? Would you rather this torrid affair doesn’t appear as a reconstruction on CrimeWatch? If so CID would like to hear from you as soon as possible. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this neck-wear case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I return what remains of the tie to it’s rightful owner. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The groom’s tie just before being blown up

Royal Baby On It’s Way

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 22 Jul 2013 08:40:39 +0000

Hello all. It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 5.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Wales booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Wales has gone into labour. A hospital source said Kate Middleton was fully dilated and looked radient as her husband Prince William got porters to transport them both in wheelchairs to the newly painted maternity wing. All morning the Royal family and members of court and parliament have arrived in hired minibuses to attend the birth. According to tradition all will be present at the birth of the future monarch and to accommadte them specially rented portacabins have been installed in the hospital car park. Kate and Williams favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry will keep her distracted during the birth, as court jesters have done for centuries, and of course Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be there to give the occassion extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage. Friend of the Royal couple Steven Fry has been installed at the foot of the bed and will keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Mrs Wales bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Queen and members of the Royal household arriving at Beckworth hospital