Life in Beckworth » prison

Very Serious: Lost & Found

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 11:30:23 +0000

Blimey, what a busy day we’re having at the police station today, and all because Beckworth’s high-security prison lost some of it’s inmates during an open day last week. So we’ve been called in to round ‘em up. HMP Septonville houses some of the UK’s most infamous criminals and it appears that a few of the scumbags (about 136 at last count) did a bunk on Friday by tieing up and swapping clothes with the unsuspecting visiting public and going awol with their cars. So we’re putting out a UK wide appeal (it’ll even be on CrimeWatch!), for everyone to be on the look out for violent criminals disguised as the general public. Have you noticed that your neighbours have suddenly moved without warning and the new ones are a bunch of large shaven-headed men who have been using threatening behaviour? Maybe your relatives have changed physical appearance over the weekend and have been stealing from you? If you think your wife is now a muscular bald axe-murderer please let us know. Needless to say please don’t approach these pretend members of the general public as they may be dangerous and quite angry. Also, and of equal seriousness, we’ve had another trumpet found in the town which i’ve added to our haul of brass instruments. Is it yours? Could it be part of the prison break? To impart valuable information about either crime, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m leading both horrific cases and won’t rest until they’re solved (although i do have holiday booked next week so don’t bother me then). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Some of the missing ne’er-do-wells disguised as the public

You Win Some, You Lose Some

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 14:48:32 +0000

Hello. Just to let you know what a success Friday’s open day at HMP Septonville was. Our local maximum-security prison certainly know how to make visitors welcome especially us women-folk! Just to say I wasn’t the only one to find romance on the day, the place is chock-full of potential soul mates (there are so many wrongly-convicted young men locked up in there!) Anyway, a couple of people signed up for work-experience under the Government’s Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme, which is great, and we all made lot’s of new friends. On the downside, if you can call it that, a few inmates did manage to escape on the day by mingling with us happy visitors. As they say, you can’t make an omelette without buying eggs. I found eight men squeezed into my mini when I got home, and after a lovely weekend enjoying the sunny weather and having a trip to the seaside some have now sadly returned to the prison with an unneccessary Police escort. Reg “The Slocombe Strangler” Bosworth is still at large after baking me a lovely Jamie Oliver souffle as a gift, and the loveable big softy is welcome at my home any time.

Given the success of the event more local employers are promising open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

(Above) The Slocombe Strangler’s souffle

Prison Open Day

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 16:08:07 +0000

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local maximum-security prison (HMP Septonville) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir openday will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at the workshy everyone is indeed welcome). I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like inside!!! So come and meet the inmates. They’ll show you what solitary confinement is like in the high security wing, help you to pick up carelessly-discarded soap in the shower block and even give one-on-one instruction in making mail bags. They will be something for everyone, demonstrations on riot control, dealing with dirty protests and bodysearches for smuggled in narcotics. There’s bingo and physical education for the elderly (so bring your shorts) and for the under-fives there’s Put The Handcuffs On The Convict, hide and seek and, weather permitting, a bouncy castle in the exercise yard. It really will be wonderful, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

(Above) A Septonville cell. Dirty protest thankfully out of shot