Blimey, what a busy day we’re having at the police station today, and all because  Beckworth’s high-security prison lost some of it’s inmates during an open day last week. So we’ve been called in to round ‘em up. HMP Septonville houses some of the UK’s most infamous criminals and it appears that a few of the scumbags (about 136 at last count) did a bunk on Friday by tieing up and swapping clothes with the unsuspecting visiting public and going awol with their cars. So we’re putting out a UK wide appeal (it’ll even be on CrimeWatch!), for everyone to be on the look out for violent criminals disguised as the general public. Have you noticed that your neighbours have suddenly moved without warning and the new ones are a bunch of large shaven-headed men who have been using threatening behaviour? Maybe your relatives have changed physical appearance over the weekend and have been stealing from you? If you think your wife is now a muscular bald axe-murderer please let us know. Needless to say please don’t approach these pretend members of the general public as they may be dangerous and quite angry. Also, and of equal seriousness, we’ve had another trumpet found in the town which i’ve added to our haul of brass instruments. Is it yours? Could it be part of the prison break? To impart valuable information about either crime, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m leading both horrific cases and won’t rest until they’re solved (although i do have holiday booked next week so don’t bother me then). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Some of the missing ne’er-do-wells disguised as the public