Life in Beckworth » Ross Kemp

Birthday Parade This Sunday

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 27 May 2015 15:30:22 +0000

Hello all. Just a reminder that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be slighter shorter than hoped due to the roadworks on Madonna Lane. Anyone hoping to catch this spectacle in it’s entirety should arrive early, at 9.30am by the library steps, where the the floats will set off. Or greet the parade at it’s conclusion at 9.45am in the drive-thru MacDonalds. Birthday girl Joan Collins (92 years young) will be dressing as a Ronald MacDonald due to a sponsorship deal. We are hoping the Red Arrow’s will perform a flypast and that army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp will be able to overcome a recent illness to lead the floats and marching band on his bicycle. See you there, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Joan Collins tries on her costume in readiness for Sunday

All-Star Family Fortunes’ First Night

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 09 Jul 2013 16:45:58 +0000

Just to say that The Beckworth Players new musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical has its gala opening this Friday evening at 7.30. Written by local celeb and host of TV’s real-life All-Star Family Fortunes, Vernon Kay, the 4 hour play is a lighthearted look at celebrity and maringue addiction. It’s very funny and song heavy, with many original Vernon compositions. Many local celebrities are in the all-star All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical cast including Graham Norton as Vernon Kay, Russell Brand as Ozzy Osborne (captain of the Osborne team), and Davina McCall as Pippa Middleton’s mother (captain of the Middleton team). The play is bound to be a roaring success as it has been directed by TV hardman Ross Kemp, who has brought all his SAS skills to the job. So see you Friday at The Slocombe Garden Centre Auditorium. Chico

(Above) The nail-biting dress rehearsal of All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical

Show Your Father How Much You Care

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 09:23:19 +0000

At Fawke’s we know that buying the perfect gift on father’s day is very stressful, would he want aftershave again, a new lawnmower or a trip to see a Thai masseuse? Decisions are hard to make, that’s why we’ve solved your dilemma and have the perfect gift that shows you care. Together with our team of experts you can make his funeral arrangements and as a special offer (for this weekend only) we are giving 20% off all our paternal funerals. So why not swing by with your Dad for tea and a chat and we can measure him up for that final trip of a lifetime. Father’s young and old are welcome, because let’s face it Mr Death will come knocking whatever age you get to. But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got paid-for celebrity testimonials:

If ever I was dead, or feeling unwell, I would want a Fawkes funeral… or something similar but a lot cheaper – Daniel Craig, 007

I’ve already picked out a camouflaged coffin with a gun turret and laser beams for my big day – Ross Kemp

They do nice sandwiches and flowers – Victoria Pendleton

Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:14:06 +0000

Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp

Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 18:10:15 +0000

The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)

Susan Boyle Is Queen For A Day

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 12:10:14 +0000

Just a reminder that today, from 1pm, we will be recreating the Queen’s Coronation in St Faith’s church. Come and relive the sights and sounds of 80 years ago, we’ve got some acting “royalty” being real Royalty, Ross Kemp is playing Prince Philip, Susan Boyle is the young virgin Queen with Fern Cotton as Princess Anne and Gary Barlow as Prince Charles. They’ll be choristers singing carols, a miniature horse and carriage, and the vicar will be pretending to be the Pope, doing all the crowning and stuff. It’s a must see afternoon for the whole family and for those that can’t fit in the church we will be relaying the sounds very loudly over speakers in the graveyard. So come all ye faithful.

The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

Thank You For The Music

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 24 May 2013 09:40:43 +0000

Hello all. I’d like to thank everyone who took part in, or spectated at, yesterday’s Ava Berlin’s Death and Joan Collin’s Birth Days Parade. It was a fabulous day for all the family, which could perhaps become an annual affair? Thankfully trouble was kept to a minimum with the day only slightly spoilt by a large group of shaven-headed well-wishers drunkenly shouting in German and throwing rocks at the army trucks. Special thanks must go to the star of the parade, birthday girl Joan Collins (90 years young), for portraying our Queen with such aplomb from the roof of a post-office van, and to 11 year old Rebecca Pinner (pictured) of the Beckworth Girl Guide Recorder Group. Rebecca provided the musical accompaniment when she replaced the army marching band at the last minute (the whole band having succumbed to the norovirus after eating dodgy kebabs). I, for one, loved the red arrow flypast and the army vehicle motorcade. Of particular note was army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp looking very proud as he led the parade on his bicycle. So let’s hope we can do it all again next year, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Doris Palmer’s Emotional Breakdown In Lama Drama

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:30:22 +0000

Hello. I promised to keep you posted about the darmatic lama drama, and so am relaying this breaking news. Brothers Ross Kemp and Phil Mitchell have used their army tank to take out one of their quarry, the infamous gang leader Jermaine Jackson. As feared the two runaway lama’s were holed up in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed, and so hardmen Ross and Phil, without thought for their own personal safety and as war raged all around them, fired a volley of high-velocity blank shells at the shed, as a warning. The heroic duo then bravely drove their tank to the shed door and peered in. They were buoyed by the site of one lama lying down, apparently having fainted. Sensibly they waited outside until Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama inspector) arrived to make a formal identification of Jermaine. They had to wait a while because poor old Doris, following on a tractor, had tearfully broken down. Her fuel pipe had got clogged-up and she gets hayfever. But Mrs Palmer soon forgot her troubles when she found the lama was in fact dead, on top of which says she’s 50% sure it’s Jermaine (pictured resting in peace).

Which as gorgeous Mr Kemp texted me, means that his nemesis Michael Jackson the lama is still MIA (Missing In Action). Ross has vowed to fight another day, but has promised to return the tank this afternoon as he has a hot date with local celeb, and actress, Sharon off Eastenders. So for now Public Enemy Number One, Fern Britton’s Jackson One, is free to spread his filthy propaganda and diseases. Please keep your eyes peeled for the dangerous young lama and don’t forget, under no circumstances bother a very worried Mrs Britton, as she has a TV career to rebuild. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

No Body Armour For Heroes In Lama Drama

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 22 May 2013 10:32:49 +0000

Hello. It’s about day 20 or so in this gripping lama drama that has gripped the residents of Beckworth, and the world beyond. To recap for those who have been away on holiday, or in hospital, a few weeks ago 3 dangerous lamas escaped from Fern Britton‘s lama farm, one was captured by plucky hero Ross Kemp and now the other two are on the run. Ross and his handsome TV brother Phil Mitchell have borrowed an army tank but shunned wearing protective body armour (as it makes them too large to fit in the tank). They are now in hot pursuit of the lamas, who have regrouped and haven’t been seen for a while. Tirelessly the brothers Kemp have been driving through the countryside leaving no stone, or in some cases whole buildings, unturned. Mr Kemp has been keeping me in the loop by texting lurid messages and pics of their exploits, which included accidentally running over some grazing cattle, and thinks at last they have spotted the two runaway camelids sheltering in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed. I am awaiting a texted update as he is about to fire at the shed to scare the beasts. I’ll let you know what happens, but he has asked me to observe radio silence until this disquieting time is over (so i’ve just switched off Ken Bruce on Radio 2). Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house tractor driver) is following the tank on a tractor ready to help with this hopeful lama capture. Most importantly, a very upset Mrs Britton has asked that no-one bothers her today as she is entertaining a group of wealthy foreign businessmen. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Hero Finds Missing Tank

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 22 May 2013 09:55:51 +0000

I’m pleased to announce that a major crime has been solved today by Beckworth Police. The missing, presumed stolen, tank has been found alive and well by army officer, local celeb and star of The Bill, Ross Kemp. He has repatriated the vehicle for use hunting down local resident Fern Britain’s escaped pets. So the tank is in safe hands and no harm’s been done. Plus, there’s no need to ring 999 if you see Mr Kemp driving across fields and firing the tank’s large gun. I for one am most relieved the case can be closed and wish more residents were as community minded as Ross. He even sent a picture to my phone of him and the tank! PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Ross Kemp in his search for lost pets