Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?

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The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)

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