Life in Beckworth » SAS

Freedom 4 Fish Terror Plot Foiled On Bus

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 05 Mar 2014 11:38:52 +0000

Hello all. It’s a very exciting start to the day as we have breaking news just in… Beckworth is today at the centre of a (thankfully foiled) major “Terror” incident and the town is crawling with police, vets and undercover SAS, probably. Plain clothed ticket-inspectors intercepted an anarchist group calling themselves Freedom 4 Fish on the number 4 bus to Slocombe Aquarium at 8.27 this morning. In a statement posted on twitter, and in the newsagent’s window, the group have stated their intention “to free all our fishy friends held captive against their will and give them a voice.” It went onto read “Just because they don’t have arms or legs (or means of communication) doesn’t mean (wo)mankind can ride rough-shod over their feelings. And not listen to fish opinions.” The card has since been removed as it hasn’t been paid for. Coleen Rooney who was travelling to work on the crowded bus told me over a cup of tea that the three members of Freedom 4 Fish captured by the inspector were disguised as school children and only aroused suspicion when one of the “kids” who had a very bushy ginger beard produced a twenty years out-of-date child’s bus-pass. I’ll let you know when I get more news on this terrifying aquatic story… Christine Batley. Chief Votes For Fish Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) One of the naughty anarchist “school children” arrested earlier today (photo taken by Colleen Rooney on her phone)

Get Fit With Hit & Knit Tonight

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 13:06:28 +0000

Starting tonight at 7.30, Olympic athlete and horse-whisperer Clare Balding is once again running her famed Hit & Knit course in the gym. Running one evening per week for three months it combines the mental & physical riguers of knitting with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Inspired by the Rocky films, Clare’s used it to successfully train the SAS, Network Rail staff and the cast of Cats. Just think, before you can say “Hit One, Purl One” you’ll have made yourself a matching scarf, hat and gloves and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you! All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £2,600 (excluding costs of materials and medical insurance). See you tonight. Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

(Above) Clare’s Aunt Dolly models her new look at the end of the last Hit and Knit course

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:14:06 +0000

Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp