Life in Beckworth » tom jones

Theme Park Set To Close

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 10 Jan 2016 16:13:40 +0000

It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce that local theme park, Coffin World, is set to close this coming Friday. The burial themed attraction only opened in late 2013 but failed to attract visitors with it’s urn and casket rides and was sadly beset by financial problems from the start. It was the life’s work of undertaker fan, and cabaret singer, Tom Jones and he is said to have lost his entire pop fortune on the venture. Unless a buyer can be found for the theme park a fire sale of the rides and cremation merchandise will take place late January, just before Mr “Ex- of The Voice” Jones embarks on a world tour. Commiserations to Mr Tom, Beckworth will be less of a tourist attraction without his ambitious park, but let’s hope it can be saved. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) One of Coffin World’s many exhilarating rides that is bound for the scrap heap

Christian Randy Is Back This Friday

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 20 May 2014 16:31:03 +0000

Great news for all of you religious music fans as Randy, the country’s number one sexually-deviant wooden “friend of Jesus,” is back performing his hits at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue. This Friday night he’ll be on stage with his close relatives, amateur ventriloquists Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, and the threesome will be getting our bank holiday started with a real Christian swing. The born-again hitmaker’s are promising to sing all of their “C of E” cover versions including Killing In The Name Of, Miley Cyrus‘s Wrecking Ball (featuring Aunt Nancy twerking) and Tom Jones’s Kiss, which will bring God into our hearts, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their heavily discounted debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which reached number 502 in the Christian charts on it’s release last year. It’s only a £5.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Whitsun’s Wee. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Our Lord, or dummys, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Royal Choice On The Voice

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 15:56:30 +0000

Dear all, just to say that I have taken my Voice vote-rigging complaint to the watchdog, OffGen, and i’ll let you know how I get on. It looks very much as if all the votes were directed towards one singer, which would have been a fair landslide if it had been Tom Jones protoge, my cousin Jack-Agoogoo. I have had more than five emails of support and two people are joining me in not paying the licence fee. On a positive note the Palace has contacted me to say The Queen wants to book Jack to sing Kajagoogoo songs at the birth of Wills and Kate‘s first child (and they let slip the child will be called Neville, but I’m sworn to secrecy). So even Royalty recognises who should have won.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

(Above) William and Kate of Wales overjoyed at the news that the Queen has booked Jack-Agoogoo to sing at the birth of their first child, Prince Neville

Dubious Choice On The Voice

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 23 Jun 2013 20:54:00 +0000

Dear all, I imagine you are as gutted as me about tonights final of The Voice. I mean, what the h**l happened? How could a clear winner, Jack-Agoogoo, come third? He gave his all, even suffering a suspected heart attack (later diagnosed as indigestion) mid-song. That alone should have got the sympathy votes. Tom Jones is in pieces as he lost a big bet that would have seen him set up for life. I’m not alone in blaming ruddy Will.I.Am for the lack of votes, fancy saying Jack’s singing was flat. It wasn’t flat. Poor Jack’s suffered throughout the whole series by having faulty microphones. Anyway, we were so obviously robbed that we’re demanding a recount (by people not a computer). He deserved to win, he was street’s ahead of the two birds and every week he was viewers choice. So watch this space as I’m going to fight this all the way for my cousin Jack. Until this is resolved I won’t be paying my TV licence and you should do the same. That should get the BBC to recount and make the right choice of winner.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

(Above) Andrea Begley, allegedly winning the Voice 2013

Top Choice On The Voice

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 19:01:22 +0000

Dear all, I’d just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who voted my cousin Jack through to next week’s live final of The Voice. Your support makes all the hard work worthwhile, and don’t forget if you bring me your phone bill showing the Voice phone number on it at least 20 times, there’ll be £2 off your next bill at 99p Land (if I’m on the tills)! I also have to say a very huge thank you to my friends and family who manned the phones last night at the BBC and to my Uncle Bryan for counting up the final votes. Just to say, if last night had been the final, and not the semi’s, Jack would have romped home with over 80% of all the votes!!! Tom Jone’s is well chuffed with the results as he has a large bet on Jack winning that could pay off his mortgage and payday loan. Just a reminder that Jack is still available for bookings (of his popular Kajagoo tribute act Jack-Agoogoo), though once he wins The Voice this coming Saturday he will cost a lot more to book.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack-Agoogoo takes a fag break during rehearsals

Keep Watching The Voice

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 16:15:32 +0000

Dear all, please please please keep watching The Voice as my cousin Jack needs your support more than ever. Those following the gripping programme will know that a quiet word in Tom Jone’s ear before the show got Jack through the knock-out round. When his was talent was pointed out to Tom there was no contest, and the reason he sounded off-key throughout was just a problem with the microphone. Rumours of a rift in the Tom camp are very wide of the mark, in fact Jack and Tom are getting on so well that Jack will be holidaying this summer at Tom’s villa in Ibiza. Before he jets off to the sun (after hopefully winning The Voice) Jack will still be available for bookings of his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just tell me when and where and like a fairy-godfather i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Tom and Jack-Agoogoo relaxing during rehearsals

Watch The Voice Again

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:33:54 +0000

Dear all, I’d just like to say a big showbiz thank you to all of you who have stopped me whilst i’ve been stacking shelves at 99p Land to congratulate me on my cousin Jack’s performance on The Voice. Your encouragement makes all the hard work worthwhile, but let’s not forget, he’s not won yet! For those of you know who don’t know, he has been chosen to be in Tom Jone’s team, which suits Jack very well as they are of similar age and build (Jack is hoping to cadge some clothes off Tom, and get some fake tan for me). On the days when he’s not staying with Tom, in a local Travelodge, Jack is still available for bookings of his popular (1980s rock group Kajagoo) tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just ask me about dates and cost and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Watch The Voice

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 02 May 2013 10:05:13 +0000

Dear all, just to say my cousin Jack will be on The Voice this Saturday, so please watch and phone in your votes. You may remember he was local heat runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes six years ago, when he performed as famous 1980s pop-stars Kajagoogoo. He still performs his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo and is available for bookings (though not on Tuesday mornings as he signs on then), just ask me and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)