Dear all, I’d just like to say a big showbiz thank you to all of you who have stopped me whilst i’ve been stacking shelves at 99p Land to congratulate me on my cousin Jack’s performance on The Voice. Your encouragement makes all the hard work worthwhile, but let’s not forget, he’s not won yet! For those of you know who don’t know, he has been chosen to be in Tom Jone’s team, which suits Jack very well as they are of similar age and build (Jack is hoping to cadge some clothes off Tom, and get some fake tan for me). On the days when he’s not staying with Tom, in a local Travelodge, Jack is still available for bookings of his popular (1980s rock group Kajagoo) tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just ask me about dates and cost and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)