Life in Beckworth » Vernon Kay

A Second King’s Remains Found In Car Park

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 18 Oct 2014 10:35:18 +0000

Hello. Who could have imagined that finding the remains of King Richard lll in a car park would ignite the whole country’s interest in archeology and parking bays. Digging up similar sites in search of buried monarchs has become the favoured past time of the dirty unemployed, but until now such digs have only led to prosecutions, for trespass and willful damage, with no dead bodies being found. That was until a few weeks ago when a local amateur “TimeTeam” took it upon themselves to start digging in Beckworth’s multi-storey car park. Much to everyone’s surprise on day six of the dig, just after team leader Vernon Kay‘s run in with Police over his use of abusive language, a body was found just beneath the surface of floor 3 near the lifts. The body was carefully exhumed using a JCB digger and a wheel barrow and taken to a posh university in Oxford or Cambridge or somewhere like that for tests. When the results came back this week everyone was astonished. The skeleton was found to be that of a 3’7″ tall female, who had died of flatulence at the age of 19, and is almost certainly that of King Henry Vlll. Henry is known, through court records, to have been a keen cross dresser and amateur ballet dancer, but it now appears that he was in fact a she. Because being a Queen in the 1600′s was frowned upon experts believe she took the name Henry and lived life as a bloke, with no one ever knowing until now (apart from his “wives” who he conveniently found ways of silencing). The head of the Church of England, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, was quoted as saying “God knows who we’ve got buried in Henry’s grave in Westminster Cathedral” before adding “we’ll probably have to dig it up and dump this ruddy interloper’s body somewhere else to make room for the real King… it’s going to be a major headache and ruin the polished stone floor.” So what a discovery on our doorstep, and it confirms historian Tony Robinson‘s belief that car parks were our ancestors favoured burial site for their Kings (and Queens). Channel Five are now planning a Joey Essex hosted documentary to be shown on Christmas Day. Christine Batley. Chief Dead Monarch Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The scientist’s facial reconstruction of King Henry III brings the monarch back to life and will be exhibited in the library near the broken water-fountain

All-Star Family Fortunes’ First Night

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 09 Jul 2013 16:45:58 +0000

Just to say that The Beckworth Players new musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical has its gala opening this Friday evening at 7.30. Written by local celeb and host of TV’s real-life All-Star Family Fortunes, Vernon Kay, the 4 hour play is a lighthearted look at celebrity and maringue addiction. It’s very funny and song heavy, with many original Vernon compositions. Many local celebrities are in the all-star All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical cast including Graham Norton as Vernon Kay, Russell Brand as Ozzy Osborne (captain of the Osborne team), and Davina McCall as Pippa Middleton’s mother (captain of the Middleton team). The play is bound to be a roaring success as it has been directed by TV hardman Ross Kemp, who has brought all his SAS skills to the job. So see you Friday at The Slocombe Garden Centre Auditorium. Chico

(Above) The nail-biting dress rehearsal of All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical

Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 18:10:15 +0000

The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)

Family-Fortunes Still Seeks A Star

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:15:01 +0000

The Beckworth Players are still looking for a male lead, to play Vernon Kay, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. So they will be holding another open audition, this coming Tuesday evening at 7.30. Location: The George & Ringo Room at the Town Hall, due to their rehearsal space being fumigated. It’s open to everyone who’s a male, and director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he is determined to find his perfect man, “someone with that special something and the ability to act, sing and dance in dangerous situations, just like me”. The musical has been written for us by local celeb, and husband of Ferne Cotton, Vernon Kay! So, to quote Mr Kemp, do you have balls of steel and a voice to melt ice-cream? If so please come along. Just to warn you, Ross wants a man for this role, so no ladies or women at this audition as he has filled all the female parts. All men must be 18 or over (or at least look it), be very muscular and have your own black tap shoes. Given the queues of would-be Dicks who wanted to star in our recent performances of Richard III, we expect to be literally overcome with testosterone, so arrive early. See you Tuesday boys, Chico (producer)

Open Auditions: Vernon Kay’s All Star Family Fortunes – The Musical

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 17:45:32 +0000

The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes, this Thursday evening at 7.30 in their rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers). Open to everyone, first-time director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he wants to find the next Will Young and Fern Cotton for this all singing, all dancing musical spectacular, which has been written for us by local celeb Vernon Kay! Are you a Will or Fern (you can actually have any name, he’s just giving them as an example of talented local people and could have easily asked for a local Justin Beiber and Lindsay Lohan). Please come along and show us what you’re made of. You must be 18 or over and have large lungs. Given the success of our last musical, Salvadore Dali, we expect to be swamped, so come early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)