Life in Beckworth » BBC

Don’t Ever Watch The Voice Again

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 17:03:12 +0000

Dear all. Apologies to all those who tuned into the The Voice last Saturday to watch my cousin Jack a Googoo sing his way to win the appalling singing show. Unfortunately due to a fracas just before Jack was due on stage meant that poor Jack was ejected from the studios. Jack is accused of punching a producer, something that happens a lot at the BBC I hear, and is now banned from their reality shows. I’m thinking of starting a petition to get the awful show off the BBC, it’s a waste of tax payers money, in the meantime don’t watch it! But not to worry as every storm cloud has a silver lining; Jack has recently taken up acting and is starting to make his name as an extra. He’s already filmed a few scenes for TV; this coming Sunday he is some Russian bloke in War & Peace and in February he’ll be seen playing a violent drunk on Casualty. The director told me he was a natural. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Jack was actually p****d during filming. I believe they call it method acting. They didn’t even have to use pretend vomit because Jack was so good. And don’t despair, although talented Jack is embarking on a new career he is still available for bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at political demos, childrens’ parties, wakes, shop openings, etc. So give me a ring to book him before he’s whisked off to Hollywood.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above, circled in red) Jack-A-Googoo pictured with the happy cast of War & Peace

SOBS Story – One Year On

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 14 May 2015 09:49:53 +0000

Hello. Sorry for disturbing you but I thought you would like to know how the year long campaign to Save Our British Sausage has been going. No doubt you will remember that my fellow UK butchers and I were prompted to start campaigning when our useless Government, Brussels and political correctness went mad and declared that our good old as “English as hayfever” sausages MUST now contain at least a 40% imported meat content. Our hand-made sausages don’t even have 25% meat in them, so we didn’t see how that would work. And due to previous “media scares” they declared we’re no longer allowed to make them from horses. Or donkeys. Or dogs. The banger is vital part of an Englishman’s everyday healthy diet, it’s probably on of our five a day and worth fighting for. But despite some of us butchers literally fighting MPs the English sausage is still under attack from self-appointed, BMW driving, white wine drinking, pasta eating, johnny foreigner food safety officials from across the channel. But we have not rested this last 12 months; we presented a petition of 53 signatures to the copper on the door of number 10 Downing Street, got on the BBC‘s One Show and were mentioned once in The Sun, in a story about English butchers getting arrested on a ferry to Brussels. We are a traditional British butchers and have been proud to make meat-stuffs from Grand National winners over 150 years. So please join us in standing up for a great traditional meal, stand up for Britishness, stand up for the Queen, and let’s give Johnny MEP a black eye or two. To show your support use “Direct Action” and boycott supermarket sausages, then buy all your British Sausage from our shop. David, Tony and Shawn Bradford. Bradford’s the Butchers. UKIP Supporters

Local Lad On The Apprentice

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 08:46:25 +0000

Dear all. Don’t go anywhere without a telly tonight as my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will be starring in the new series of The Apprentice. This is the sixth year Jack has tried to get on the programme and his stalking Sir Sugar has finally paid off. Fingers crossed Jack wins as the prize is about a million quid, which would pay off most of Jack’s “loans” and get us on a World cruise.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) This years’ hopeful Apprentices prepare for the new series which starts tonight

Top Gear’s Snowy Adventure Seen Filming Outside Town

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 16:44:58 +0000

I’ve just seen the presenters and crew of telly’s Top Gear programme filming one of their overseas adventures here in Beckworth. Little Andy Hamilton aka “Hamster” was riding a steam powered sledge through fake snow as he raced Jeremy Clarkson on snowshoes and James May on a makeshift snowboard. A woman with a clipboard told me that due to BBC cost-cutting the town is “standing in” for Italy, and the local slag heaps were meant to be the Alps. From where i was standing they looked pretty realistic if not a bit small. Dick van Preston

(Above) The presenters of TV’s Top Gear programme count their wages during a break from filming earlier today

Warren In My Sporran

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 29 Jun 2013 12:33:51 +0000

Hello all. Just thought I’d share the great news that local TV company Livingstone Productions has been commissioned to make a second installment of it’s BAFTA winning children’s series Warren In My Sporran for BBC Scotland. For those of you who missed the first series Daniel Day Lewis stars as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives in the sporran of young Highland’s boy Angus MacDonald (ably played by Ronnie Corbett). The episodes follow Warren’s hilarious adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt, with many scenes shot in and around Beckworth. Well done to all at Livingstones! Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Method actor Daniel Day Lewis stars as the small tramp Warren who makes his home in young Angus MacDonald’s sporran

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:37:57 +0000

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Well Done BBC

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:33:04 +0000

Well done to the BBC for at last airing a comedy that is both side-splittingly funny, well acted and is suitable for all the family (no ruddy swearing for once). I’m talking about The Wright Way, written by Elton John. I won’t spoil the plot but let’s just say it’s about a health & saftey inspector (something close to my heart). It’s got great characters that are hilarious. My only criticism is it’s on too late (I was canny and recorded it, then watched it this morning after viewing Homes Under The Hammer).

Watch it. You won’t regret it. Ray Eastleigh

(Above) Successful sitcom writer Elton John

The O APprentice

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:28:42 +0000

Good evening Beckworth. I’m very pleased to see my favourite apprenticeship based TV programme, The Apprentice, is returning to our screens for its 32nd series.

But come on Sir Albert Sugar, how’s about a version for us more mature members of society? I speak for many of my generation when I say there’s plenty of juice left in the old dog, and like many I’d be up for coming out of retirement to work at your computer factory. And being an insomniac I could even work the night shift.

So Sir Sugar, don’t write us off and concentrate on youngsters, give us a punt, you’ve got nothing to lose. The BBC could even call it the Octogenarian Apprenticeship Protoges and put it on at a sensible time. Just before Bargain Hunt. Thanks, Ray Eastleigh

(Above) Sir Sugar overjoyed at the prospect of presenting another series of The Apprentice