Life in Beckworth » dr who

Cuddly Toy Inventor To Marry For Seventh, Or Eighth, Time

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 13 Nov 2015 12:40:30 +0000

Breaking toy news just in… Local resident, 97 year old Edna Cumberbatch, is to marry husband number seven, or eight, in the new year. A very excited Edna says she has lost count of the marriages and divorces she’s had, but she still believes in love. And sex. Sprightly Edna said her new husband is 78 years her junior and doesn’t speak English, but thankfully he is very “gifted” in other areas. Mrs Cumberbatch, already a mother of 14, says she hopes to have more babies and will start trying on her wedding night. She is of course famous Worldwide as the “mother” of thousands of babies already as she’s the inventor of the Cumberbatch Dolls, which made her a multi-millionaire and quite a catch. She invented the ugly yet cuddly vegetable dolls as a present for a baby Prince Charles (who she’d noticed loved talking to veg and plants) when she was the Queen‘s Lady of The Water Closet. Many famous people own the dolls, even ex-premier Gordon Brown is said to be an ardent collector. But oddly her Grandson Benedict says he doesn’t like them much. Thankfully on the subject of the wedding he was more positive “I’m honoured to be reprising my role of page boy, for the third time, and I may even wear my old Dr Who clobber up the aisle.” Good luck with the baby making to Edna and fiance Mohammad. Christine Batley. Chief Elderly Wedding Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A visibly thrilled Benjamin Cumberbatch cuddles two of his Gran’s dolls

Panto Postponed Until Next Week

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 19:05:48 +0000

Many apologies but this weekend’s performances of our pantomime Jamie Oliver In Fairy Liquid Land are being postponed due to the main female character (Baron Wurst) being taken poorly just hours after last night’s show. Leading (wo)man Benjamin Cumberland (star of Dr Who and famed sausage heir) was struck down in the green room with a case of the sniffles and has taken to her/his bed. Unfortunately his/her understudy, Vanessa Feltz is away on holiday so is unable to step into the breach until Monday at the soonest. Sorry for any inconvenience. Tickets for the cancelled performances will probably be valid for future shows. If not tickets are available on the door for this sold out show. Thanks Chico (producer)

(Above) Ben Cumberland dressed as Baron Wurst early yesterday

World First At Triangle Show

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 17 Aug 2014 11:03:04 +0000

News exclusive just in. Today saw record crowds as dozens of enthusiasts attended the opening of Triangle Show in Beckworth and as promised Dawn French unveiled a world first. Local scientist and 1970s pop sensation Prof Brian Cox has discovered the universe’s first four sided triangle. Yes, you heard it here first, Mr Cox has found a microscopic three-sided structure from outer space, which has an additional fourth side. Brian told me over a Dairylea sandwich that “I only unearthed it due to a bet with Top Gear‘s Richard Hamster Hammond that triangles could have more than 3 sides… and so in between appearing on TV and playing with my band Ultavox I looked for an example everywhere.” Then he added “After 6 weeks of looking I found the four sided triangular atom in some space dust i’d got lying about.” He excitedly shook me by the shoulders and said “The discovery leads me to think that this unique atom may been the root of the big bang, or why dinosaurs disappeared. Our world can probably only handle three sides in a triangular structure and in our planet’s ancient past this fourth dimension has caused chaos and destruction, just like in Dr Who… So we’ll have to be very careful with this atom and keep it in a safe, or a shoe box… More sarnies?” So there you have it, a world first in Beckworth all thanks to a gambling Brian Cox. Enjoy the weekend, Christine Batley. Chief New Triangle Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The 4-sided trangular atom recently discovered by Brian Cox in some dust

Star Spot: Dr Who

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 27 Jul 2014 08:58:51 +0000

I’ve just seen the “new” Dr Who, Peter something, on a break from filming the new TV series nearby (I hear Slocombe sewage works is crawling with aliens and camera crews). He was in the petrol station buying some chewing gum whilst his glamorous young assistant filled up the Doctor’s blue Skoda car (which for a diminutive vehicle looks deceptively spacious inside). Yours S Bendish

(Above) Dr Who’s time-travelling assistant filling up with unleaded earlier today

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:37:57 +0000

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 12:14:06 +0000

Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp