Life in Beckworth » Halloween

Dear Prof Cox Why Do We Celebrate Halloween These Days?

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 17:24:56 +0000

Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your gorgeous, yet scarily dressed Prof Brian Cox here, and although i’m rather busy getting ready to attend a celebs only Halloween party i’m finding time to write you this missive… Why you might ask? Well, i’ve been inundated with tens of emails, a postcard and text message, asking the same question; “Why do we celebrate Halloween? How come we didn’t celebrate it until a few years ago? And what’s the origin of Trick & Treating” To be frank, the latter question is all down to greedy supermarkets, i’ll explain why in a bit but first i’ll answer why we celebrate Halloween… To be factually accurate we are in fact celebrating All Hallows Eve, which began in pre-historical times (otherwise called the dark ages because there was no electric light or candles)… On this eve simple folk would celebrate the end of harvest. But why all hallows eve I hear you chorus… well a hallow was a type of cart used to carry the pumpkin harvest in and traditionally, as decreed in the Bible’s Old Testament, the driver was a woman called Eve. In essence it was Harvest Festival by another name, but the only food being given to the poor was pumpkins (potatoes hadn’t been invented yet so the orange veg was all anyone had to eat). Due to the clocks changing, nights getting dark early and no TV to distract them people began the tradition of playing horrible tricks on each and this soon gained nationwide popularity. Historical records tell us that over the centuries the tricks got so dangerous that it became enshrined in law that if you didn’t die due to a trick being played on you then you deserved a treat… Ancient parchments tell us treats were mainly alcoholic and ended in fights. And often death (which is why kids dress up as ghosts). In the end the King, Oliver Cromwell, denounced the vulgarity of All Hallows Eve in the 1860s and banned ”Trickery & treatering” due to it’s devil-worshipping inclinations. As a way around this, and to get peasants into church, the leader of the Catholic Church Pope Norris The Second intervened (he hated Mr Cromwell). He renamed the debauchery Harvest Festival which proved very popular, especially the consumption of the free food and drink in churches which led to an outbreak of mass fornicating and a huge increase in the UK birth rate. So sadly all hallows eve fell out of favour… That was until a few years ago when supermarket bosses were looking at ways to boost sales in pre-Christmas Autumn (and they also wanted to cease the practice of free food and drink in churches), so they rediscovered All Hallows Eve, spent millions on advertising pumpkins, sweets and naff costumes even gave it the new name Halloween… So there you have it, supermarkets are the reason we celebrate Halloween and trick or treating… Which reminds me i’d better hurry round to my pal Graham Norton‘s house as we’re going on the bus together to Jonathan Ross‘ famed celeb only Halloween party… See you soon, and keep the faith (by buying some of my merchandise). Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

Trick Or Treating Banned Again

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 31 Oct 2019 15:28:48 +0000

Good afternoon Beckworth. I’m sorry to be the one to impart bad news, especially this late in the day, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again this year… It appears to be the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after the ban was lifted last year which led to many, many reports of muggings by the town’s fearless under 10s. Most of the juvenile delinquents are believed to be travellers who camp outside the town from September to March (we’ve tried and failed every Autumn to get these scoundrels moved on but they claim their camp in forest near Beckworth is their “birthright” just because it’s called Gypsy Hill and the courts oddly agree with the blighters). Other young ne’er-do-wells are believed to emanate from the council estate so the police will put on more armed patrols on those litter-strewn streets. I know there will be an outcry from the vegan yummy-mummys and their Satan worshipping offspring, but I trust for the majority of us the ban will make enjoyment of all-hallows eve much safer and fun. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

Police Allow Trick Or Treating To Go Ahead

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 16:14:51 +0000

Hello. I’m very pleased to announce that for the first time in years trick or treating is to be tolerated in Beckworth this Halloween night. You may remember that it was banned due to year on year increases of muggings by under 10s on the town’s population. A compromise has been reached whereby youths will be accompanied door to door by armed riot police and not allowed to look, or act, too scary. I trust this will enhance everyone’s enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) Police getting ready for Saturday night’s trick or treating

Trick Or Treating Banned This Halloween

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 08:57:01 +0000

Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and have banned trick or treating from Beckworth this Halloween. This comes after year on year increases of muggings by under 10s on the town’s ageing population and a fear that the night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope this won’t adversly effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A gang of young Satan worshippers intimidating a poor Beckworth resident on her doorstep last year