Life in Beckworth » iceland

New Ride Opens At World Famous Amusement Park

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 28 Feb 2015 11:36:33 +0000

Your local (frozen goods and household essentials themed) amusement park Iceland Land is proud to announce the grand opening, tomorrow at 10.06am, of it’s latest star attraction. The Cillit Bang Rollercoaster Ride. To be unveiled by Mr Clit Bang himself, Barry Scott, the white-knuckle ride is reckoned to be even more knuckle-whitenening than the Mr Sheen Rollercoaster Ride and Mr Muscle Rollercoaster Ride it replaces, due to the fact it’s had a lick of paint and the wheels oiled. Thanks, Ms Kerry Katona MBE. Acting Assistant Manageress, Iceland Land

(Above) An excited Barry “Cillit Bang” Scott testing his roller-coaster ride earlier today

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:37:57 +0000

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Chilly Themepark To Reopen

a resident of Beckworth — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:27:49 +0000

Hello. Just to let you know that after a no-expense spared two-month £3,000 face-lift the Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe is to reopen in time for the school holidays and is now recruiting Icelanders (staff). Do you have the required skills to press start and stop to operate the Frozen Chicken Big BBQ Dipper ride? Are you qualified to monotonously stamp the tickets for Ice Lolly Mountain or tell little kids to stop messing around on the Own Brand Cola Dodgems? Do you have the nerve (and a clean licence) to drive the Mini Quiche Party Train or serve far too many drinks to benefit-fraud teenage parents in the Mum’s Gone To Iceland Cocktail Bar? If so they want to hear from you. Iceland Land are an equal opportunities employer so people of all colours, weight and sexual & religious persuasions can apply and they will even accept CVs from the blind and non-ablebodied communities (though of course they probably won’t get an interview). All applicants must be over 18 and have been out of prison or clean of Class A drugs for at least 5 years. So if you live on a council estate why not apply, as the advert says, “It’s Chills and Thrills All The Way At Iceland Land.”

Application forms available online. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus