Life in Beckworth » Joan Collins

Birthday Parade This Sunday

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 27 May 2015 15:30:22 +0000

Hello all. Just a reminder that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be slighter shorter than hoped due to the roadworks on Madonna Lane. Anyone hoping to catch this spectacle in it’s entirety should arrive early, at 9.30am by the library steps, where the the floats will set off. Or greet the parade at it’s conclusion at 9.45am in the drive-thru MacDonalds. Birthday girl Joan Collins (92 years young) will be dressing as a Ronald MacDonald due to a sponsorship deal. We are hoping the Red Arrow’s will perform a flypast and that army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp will be able to overcome a recent illness to lead the floats and marching band on his bicycle. See you there, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Joan Collins tries on her costume in readiness for Sunday

Lost: Trousers, Cap and Probably My Left Sock

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:59:34 +0000

If anyone finds my army officers cap and khaki trousers please let me know. I woke up this morning semi-naked in a barn and for the life of me can’t think where they’ve gone. I was out celebrating Joan Collin’s birthday at yesterdays parade and got completely stewed, so they could be in any, if not all, of the town’s pubs. Did anyone see me in the inns of Beckworth? Was I wearing my trousers and cap at the time? There’s no need to rush to find them as luckily I was, and indeed still am, wearing my lucky pants. But any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS Whilst you’re at it please keep an eye out for my left army sock, which I may have also lost during the very long night

Thank You For The Music

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 24 May 2013 09:40:43 +0000

Hello all. I’d like to thank everyone who took part in, or spectated at, yesterday’s Ava Berlin’s Death and Joan Collin’s Birth Days Parade. It was a fabulous day for all the family, which could perhaps become an annual affair? Thankfully trouble was kept to a minimum with the day only slightly spoilt by a large group of shaven-headed well-wishers drunkenly shouting in German and throwing rocks at the army trucks. Special thanks must go to the star of the parade, birthday girl Joan Collins (90 years young), for portraying our Queen with such aplomb from the roof of a post-office van, and to 11 year old Rebecca Pinner (pictured) of the Beckworth Girl Guide Recorder Group. Rebecca provided the musical accompaniment when she replaced the army marching band at the last minute (the whole band having succumbed to the norovirus after eating dodgy kebabs). I, for one, loved the red arrow flypast and the army vehicle motorcade. Of particular note was army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp looking very proud as he led the parade on his bicycle. So let’s hope we can do it all again next year, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

RIP Ava, Happy Birthday Joan

a resident of Beckworth — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:21:23 +0000

Hello all. It is with great sadness that I have to inform you of the terminal death of local WW2 heroine Ava Berlin, who turned 101 just last week. Her daughter Nora, a local Tory MP, says that feisty Ava put up a brave fight right to the end, though she sadly had to be restrained for a few days. But now at last she is happily rejoined with Nora’s father, her beloved Fuhrer. In honour of Miss Berlin’s passing, and to celebrate actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday we are pressing ahead with tomorrow’s much anticipated Ava Berlin Birth (& Death) Day Parade. Mrs Collins has promised to dress as our present monarch instead of Boadicea (she couldn’t get a costume) and sit on a throne tied to the roof of a post-office van. That way everyone can get a good view of her. Always the professional, Joan a keen method actor is already in preperation for the role and her agent (and teenage husband) Timmy has just emailed this picture for all Joan’s fans to see her putting the finishing touches to the Royal lips.

Tomorrow’s parade will commence at 2pm and include a military marching band, armoured vehicles (though I hear the army are currently missing their only tank), the reformed 1980s TV dance-troupe Legs & Co dancing on a lorry and a red-arrows flypast. All through the streets of Beckworth. It’s not to be missed! Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Joan of Arc’s Flaming Lorry Postponed

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 16 May 2013 09:56:33 +0000

Hello all. Just to inform you that today’s much anticipated birthday parade is sadly being postponed, due to reasons beyound our control. Ava Berlin, who turns 101 today is feeling poorly and unable to stand for prolongued periods. Therefore, the idea of her recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc strapped to a burning pole on an HGV lorry is a non-starter. We hope that given time to rest and regain her strength Miss Berlin will be strong enough to lead the parade next Thursday instead. Coincidentally the 23 May is actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday. We are hoping we may be able to get Mrs Collins up on a lorry as well, pehaps portraying ancient war lord, and deceased local celebrity, Boadicea.

Back to today, Ava hopes to be well enough later to salute the assembled crowds, and enpower her followers, from an open care-home window at around 2pm.

Also, pleased be warned; due to the lateness of the postponement tanks will be parked up on the playing fields for the next seven days. But don’t be alarmed as they are only carrying “blank” ammunition in readiness of having a 101 gun salute in Miss Berlins homour. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor