If anyone finds my army officers cap and khaki trousers please let me know. I woke up this morning semi-naked in a barn and for the life of me can’t think where they’ve gone. I was out celebrating Joan Collin’s birthday at yesterdays parade and got completely stewed, so they could be in any, if not all, of the town’s pubs. Did anyone see me in the inns of Beckworth? Was I wearing my trousers and cap at the time? There’s no need to rush to find them as luckily I was, and indeed still am, wearing my lucky pants. But any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS Whilst you’re at it please keep an eye out for my left army sock, which I may have also lost during the very long night