Life in Beckworth » Noddy Holder

Church Service Online Today.

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 10:43:30 +0000

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services for the foreseeable future will now be “online.” The Archbishop Of Canterbury very kindly popped round to the vicarage (dressed in a rather fetching virus resistant onesie and mask) to get me set up. He fiddled about and “upgraded my laptop,” as he described it, so I can now “video call” you all. It’s very much like a 21st century version of the sermon on the mount! And if my internet proves to be too slow Church Warden Noddy Holder has offered to film me through my closed kitchen window and transmit the sermon with his phone. But i’m sure God in his wisdom will enable me to spread Christian joy in this time of lock-down. For the time being I will be doing just one service each week at 4pm so it doesn’t clash with any good telly (apart from Easter when i’ll put on an extra special additional “show” on Good Friday morning). I have been very fortunate not to be spending social-isolation alone, the Lord provided me with company in the form of dishy choir master Nigel Havers. God ensured lock-down occurred on Monday night just as Nigel and I were discussing wine, bread and hymns… So he’s staying put with me here, just so he’s safe of course (he’d luckily popped round with an overnight bag and his favourite pillow). His young wife is said to be delighted he’s well and in good company. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all this afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artists impression of Noddy Holder filming Rev Knutsford’s sermon

Palm Sunday Service

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 19 Mar 2016 08:29:47 +0000

Hello my flock. Tomorrow is a very important date in the church calendar so please join me at Christ’s home and let us fill the pews with praise and food smells. For the day is of course Palm Sunday (and coincidentally the Bishop’s birthday). On this wonderful Sunday we celebrate the biblical story of when our Lord rode into town astride a frail donkey and just before cooking his disciples a light lunch invented the ultra-versatile palm oil. He’d decided on a snacky, buffet lunch as the Bible tells us he had plans to host a large supper that night and didn’t want to spoil the appetites of his 12 best mates. Inventing the oil was soon recognised to be a miracle, for it changed how Christian’s cooked fried food forever and became an active ingredient in everything from toothpaste to laxatives. So the Church family has for centuries given praise for it on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like our Lord and his chums we eat biblical fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, cooked in the wonderful life-enhancing oil. Tomorrow church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty so bring your foods early to be cooked (and bring plenty of ketchup as we always run out). The service will start at 12.10pm to give me time to listen to the Archers omnibus and must finish by 2.15pm, as I have to rush off to the Bishop’s house as he’s hosting one of his famed debauched fancy-dress parties. So see you tomorrow clutching your foodstuffs. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Palm Oil, invented 2016 years ago in Jerusalem, or somewhere like that

Midnight Mass This Evening

a resident of Beckworth — Thu, 24 Dec 2015 10:56:32 +0000

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 6.15pm this evening due to the amount of good programmes on telly. And also i’m going to a party at 11 which i’m very excited about as they’re promising food and drink. And a roller disco. During the festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the carols and we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, such as mince pies and crackers, which we will distribute to the local homeless. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this evening.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Noddy Holder practicing carols with some of his Slade Singers

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 23 Dec 2014 23:08:16 +0000

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow night’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 8.45pm and finishing by 10.15 so I can get home to watch the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. Thank God that this year the council’s health & safety department have seen sense, and bowed to government pressure, over-turning their previous ruling that Christmas Eve Midnight Mass could only commence in daylight hours. Sadly church warden Noddy Holder is still off work due to suffering a frozen-shoulder but his “Slade Carol Singers” will be led on guitar by The Queen‘s own Brian May. He will also host a “Karaoke With Jesus & Mince Pies” session in the crypt on Christmas Day morning, which sounds like it will be a wonderful experience to behold. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Guitar legend Brian May, pictured earlier today whilst out shopping, will be playing at midnight mass

Large Bust Unveiled To Public Astonishment

a resident of Beckworth — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 09:56:32 +0000

Big news just in. Today saw the public unveiling of the long delayed Noddy Holder statue, sited close to the sewage works. There were audible gasps from the crowd when they saw the concrete bust, as it is 15′ taller than expected due to a confusion whereby the sculptor used inches not centimeters. The honour of unveiling went to local mobile disco DJ Dale Winton who has campaigned long and hard over the past 40 years to have a permanent monument erected in honour of the local Slade singer made good. “Noddy’s done so much putting glam rock on the map” said Mr Winton over a crafty fag “So I thought he deserved a statue. Or at the very least a bus shelter named after him” Dale then continued “Ideally i’d like statues put up of all the 1970′s glam pop pioneers, Bolan, Bowie, Status Quo, The Nolans and will continue to fund raise with this aim in mind” You can donate money to Dale’s cause at his website. Christine Batley. Chief Huge Statue Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Christmas At St Faiths

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 24 Dec 2013 11:57:22 +0000

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 3.30pm this afternoon. This is due to the council’s health & safety department declaring that Christmas Eve services can now only commence in daylight hours. Other wonderful news is that church warden Noddy Holder is now fully recovered from his hernia operation and will be dusting off his vocal chords to lead his “Slade Singers” in the carols, and hosting a “Karaoke With Jesus” session in the crypt straight after the service. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths