Life in Beckworth » Kerry Katona

New Ride Opens At World Famous Amusement Park

a resident of Beckworth — Sat, 28 Feb 2015 11:36:33 +0000

Your local (frozen goods and household essentials themed) amusement park Iceland Land is proud to announce the grand opening, tomorrow at 10.06am, of it’s latest star attraction. The Cillit Bang Rollercoaster Ride. To be unveiled by Mr Clit Bang himself, Barry Scott, the white-knuckle ride is reckoned to be even more knuckle-whitenening than the Mr Sheen Rollercoaster Ride and Mr Muscle Rollercoaster Ride it replaces, due to the fact it’s had a lick of paint and the wheels oiled. Thanks, Ms Kerry Katona MBE. Acting Assistant Manageress, Iceland Land

(Above) An excited Barry “Cillit Bang” Scott testing his roller-coaster ride earlier today

Star Spot: The Pope (Once Again)

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 25 Jul 2014 16:04:14 +0000

Hello all. This is third time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II) on my way between pubs. Today I was walking up Madonna Lane when I saw him getting a tool kit and pipes from his old pope-mobile (that he’s cunningly disguised as a plumber’s van). As he had his hands full I offered to get a packet of cigarettes out from his overall pockets, so we could both have a smoke and catch up on events in the Vatican City. You would have thought i’d told him God doesn’t exist by the way he told me to “go away” using very colourfull language, and he’s still insisting his name’s Rod. I’ll tell you, it’s no wonder he’s the ex-leader of The Catholic Church and not still in the job, he’s got the vocabulary of Kerry Katona and the manners of a football player. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

(Above) The ex-Pope getting his plumbing tools from his Pope-mobile earlier today

Third Time Unlucky For Iceland Land

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 17:55:06 +0000

Hello all. Late last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was once again struck by lightning, amazingly for the third time in a year. Most surprising is that during the night no one noticed there was even any rain let alone an electrical storm. The lightning caused fires which destroyed three very popular rides, which coincidentally had recently been closed down as unsafe by health and safety officials and were due for replacement. The owners were in the process of trying to raise the money for new frozen food themed rides at the time of the lightning strike. Luckily, thanks to insurance, finding the money will no longer be an issue. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for onetime Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona is currently on holiday in Magaluf so it wasn’t her that set fire to the rides or nothing.” The theme park manager Ralf Little is keen to stress that 32% of the park is still open for business and that the cafe is now doing breakfasts as well as lunch. So it’s still an ideal destination for all the family this summer. Christine Batley. Chief Lightning Strike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of lightning striking the amusement park last night

Lightning Strikes Twice At Theme Park

a resident of Beckworth — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 08:45:42 +0000

Hello all. Last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was struck by lightning, not once but twice, causing damage to two of it’s most popular rides. The Kerry Katona Big Wheel had some seats burnt to a cinder and the Johnny Depp Carrousel had it’s roof burnt off. Thank goodness the park was closed at the time, otherwise people could have been seriously hurt and want their money back. The storm raged for over 8 hours and 12 fire engines had to attend the fires, which are now safely under control. It is hoped the damaged rides will be quickly fixed by local DIY SOS legend Nick Knowles and a massive clear up by the local scouts and guides is already underway. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona isn’t up yet but she’d pass the message on.” The theme park manager is keen to stress that 56.5% of the park is still open for business and was quoted during the electrical storm as saying “Hey Mum, this school holiday bring the kid’s down to Iceland Land and buy some out-of date party food whilst you’re here.” Christine Batley. Chief Storm Damage Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Lighning strikes the Kerry Katona and Johnny Depp rides last night

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

a resident of Beckworth — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:37:57 +0000

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set