Harvest Festival Apology

Dear flock. Apologies for missing last evening’s Harvest Festival service, I was nursing a terrible hangover all day and nodded off late afternoon… By the time I awoke the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows were starting… Thank God I woke in time for those as my video recorder is no longer in the land of the living and I’d have hated to miss such important televisual delights. Anyway my non-service attendance shouldn’t stop you giving generously, so please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch throughout today and i’ll pick them up this evening. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as ready-meals (hint: The verger and I love curry and chillis), oven chips and cornettos (not cheap own brands), please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

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Panto Auditions

Pantomime season will be upon us before we know it and so this week The Beckworth Players will be holding our annual open auditions for some very minor parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2017 panto (details to be released soon!). Is stardom waiting for you? If so why not audition… All the good parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, but we still need new talent for the parts no one else wants to do. Auditions will be held in our repainted rehearsal space above Chiswicks – The Fishmongers and are open to anyone who’s a feast for the eyes and the ears, so if your best years are behind you or your voice makes young children cry don’t waste our time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be over 18 or at least look it.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

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Chip Shop Championships

Hello. Just a reminder that the final of 2017′s Chip Shop World Championships will be televised on the Dave TV channel tomorrow night from 7.30. Once again i’m pleased to announce that our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah have made it to the final. They’ve never won previously but head chef Rick Stein says he’s got something up his sleeve (a battered sausage?) which should clinch the title at last. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

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Local Celebrity’s Shop To Close

Sad shopping news just in… Local joke and magic shop “You’ll Like This… Not A Lot” (on Floyd Street next to the undertakers) is to close tomorrow due to a lack of customers and the fact it’s owner, and sole member of staff, Debbie McGee is run off her feet appearing on the telly. Ms Mcgee says she hopes to sell the shop as a going concern and if not may change it into a nail bar. Since the sad death of her father, Paul Daniels, in a magic trick gone wrong, Ms McGee has found her career has rocketed. She has recently been showing off her cooking skills (toasted sandwiches are her forte) on Celebrity Masterchef, now she’s strutting her stuff on Strictly and her agent says she’s been booked to appear in the next series of Love Island with Bear Grills. Let’s hope Deborah does well in all her celebrity challenges and finds a buyer for her late father’s shop… Christine Batley. Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Great Fire Forgotten, Then Remembered

Hello. For those history-lovers amongst you may like to know that Tuesday (5th Sept) marked 351 years since the Great Fire Of Beckworth happened. It sadly slipped my mind, and I sadly completely forgot last year also, which would have been 350 years!!! Anyway, to fill you in… The fire was thought to have been started deliberately, in a very fancy cake makers in Padding Lane (now Floyd Street), by two ruffian teenage graffiti artists Trevor Shrewsbury and Vince Dorchester, in a copycat arson attack following news of the Great Fire Of London had been reported by Beckworth’s town crier. Like the capitol’s big fire many dwellings were destroyed (three including the town brothel) and a few people made homeless for a week. Thankfully in a just a few short hours the ferocious fire was extinguished by a crack team of two volunteer fire-fighters using buckets of urine kindly passed-along the street by near neighbours and and bottles of past it’s sell-by-date milk donated by the local dairy. In no time Beckworth was quickly rebuilt and a small statue of a flaming cake now stands a few hundred yards from the exact spot where the fire is thought to have probably started. Mssrs Shrewsbury and Dorchester were hanged from the town’s gibbet the next day for their heinous crime and their families sent to Coventry on a cart (giving rise to the idiom). Then, in an unforeseen twist, a few months later the owner of the cake shop, a Keith Ippling Esq, confessed it was all an insurance scam and so was also hanged. His family was sent to Eastbourne as Coventry was no longer admitting criminal’s next of kin after so much trouble with the Shrewsbury and Dorchester families.
The legend of the town’s fire lives on in the familiar children’s rhyme Beckworth’s Burning made into a chart-topping rap single (and MP3 download) by Professor Green featuring One Direction
(Beckworth’s Burning, Beckworth’s Burning, Fetch the Neighbours, Fetch the Neighbours, Pour On Urine, Pour On Urine, Fire! Fire!)

So the next time you’re passing the town’s vandalised cake statue spare a thought for the poor souls who lost everything in the great fire of 1666. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

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Strike Over… At Last

Hello and welcome back. May I thank all the readers and contributors of this website for your patience and for the one postcard (of support) I received during our strike-imposed absence during the last few weeks. Thanks to many phone calls with arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home all week and not do any overtime. So now we should be able to resume posting your daily posts… Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

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Warning: Strike Ahead

Good afternoon residents of Beckworth. I am sorry to be the bringer of not-niceness but, once again, summer brings forth murmers of anarchy and uneducated discontent. The anarchy to which I refer is the actions of the council’s very lazy labour-voting commy IT department, because once again it is due to have it’s annual strike, so the blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. The strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and will start this Thursday morning. The husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all week, never work any overtime, or answer calls or emails if Game Of Thrones is on telly. Or catch up. Now we are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the michael, as these IT b*****ds have recently filled their home office with Game Of Thrones memorabilia hoping to open it as a museum… Although I do believe they are aiming to strike next year to have an office/shed built in their garden, fully furnished and paid by the council. The IT scum now “work” most mornings from their kitchen table before spending afternoons in The Bear & Pumpkin pub, so really are overpaid and work-shy. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable lefty tossers. Sorry in advance for any hasslement caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

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New Season Kicks Off Today

Hello to all our loyal supporters. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” today. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Ronseal “Does exactly what it says on the tin” League and in preparation the pitch has been completely leveled and astroturfed. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 15 or so seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Once again we have promising under 11′s ,LGBT and women’s teams to pin our cup hopes on as the men’s is so useless. Good luck to all players. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor (and referee)

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Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

Sad news just in… Whilst all eyes were on Usain Bolt receiving a bronze medal at last night’s World Athletic Championships in London town local interest was firmly on the performance of Beckworth resident Bethany Folkestone. After a two week ban for taking paracetemol before a race Ms Folkestone was back in action and was in top form… After a nail-biting photo-finish in the speed skipping it was announced that nine year old Bethany came last. She is said to be very upset as she suspects that a competitor had deliberately knotted her skipping rope, but like a fairy Godfather Lord Seb Coe stepped in after the race and sold her a packet of travel tissues. Let’s hope Bethany fares better in the egg and spoon race later today… Christine Batley. Chief Rope Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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A Pensioners Cry For Help

Good morning one and all. This is a distressed missive from a healthy octogenarian so please help if you will. I have lost my favourite underpants. I am not usually one to lose freshly laundered undergarments and so it is once again likely to be local thieves, or prisoners out on a chain gang or perhaps bored school-children targeting the old and vulnerable, such as ones self. I last saw my treasured dark brown paisley-trimmed y-fronts yesterday morning… I’m sure they were waiting to be starched and ironed by my visiting home-help, whilst I went commando and frequented some our fine local hostileries with my close friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson.  But having returned late last night the pants could not be found. I even looked in the fridge and oven as my clothes often end up there instead of the washing machine. I normally wouldn’t mind continuing to go sans-undercrackers but I fancied wearing my M&S pants on Sunday when I have a young “neice” coming to visit me. The thieves also seem to have stolen a cup of tea I was half way through drinking before I ventured out to the pub. Do these people have no respect for the elderly? If you have you seen my pants or a half drunk cup of tea carelessly tossed into a hedge or tree please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost some biscuits…

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

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