Spring Solstice news just in… Today, or tomorrow if you go by some sources, is officially the start of Spring (so we can at last look forward to long warm evenings drinking Pimms whilst reading great literature such as 50 Shades Of Grey in a hammock)… But before then I’ve local goings on to report… despite there being a frost this morning (so much for the arrival of warm weather!) a few of our local druids, warlocks, witches and drunks put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… As is traditional on the solstice they congregate at the ancient Hammerite standing stones and do their “thing”, whatever that may be. You won’t catch me going there in the dark with a torch to see vulgar hippy folk singing to get the sun to rise… I can guess what they get up to and I’m certainly no fan of dogging (not since I accidentally fell asleep one evening in a local carpark after puppy-training). And I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, so if you really want to torture yourself as “its culturally important” you can watch old bearded blokes and women displaying their (not so) private parts whilst stumbling around the stones mumbling in the summer. I’m only reporting it as its a quiet day in the world of news, apart from bloody Brexit, so i’m glad a bunch of misfits and vagrants celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Credited to local self-styled anarch-artist Franksy

Entrepreneur news just in… Three local business people have been inspired by the Government allowing inexperienced “start-ups” to bid for major contracts such as post-Brexit ferries. Forming a consortium down the pub the plucky (and frankly tipsy) trio have approached transport minister Chris Grayling with an offer to run the loss making East Coast Mainline. Spokesperson Abdul, who runs our local chemist, was quoted as saying “We’re perfect for the job. We’ve absolutely no experience running a rail company or any transport related business, we’ve no trains or staff but we’ve promised to be really cheap.” He went on to say “and as with all Government contracts we’ll actually fail to deliver and cost the taxpayer millions more than we said. And there’ll be no downside as we’ll get millions in subsidies..” Chris Grayling’s spokesperson declined to comment but said she’ll forward the message when her husband gets home.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette