Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Breaking covidiot news just in… Beckworth council has just released a press release saying it’s closing all parks after taking Police advice. Yesterday over three thousand covidiots descended on Beckworth Park as if it was just a regular sunny Spring day and due to the amount of people social distancing could not be observed. Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Covidiot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services will, for the foreseeable future, be “online” only. Last weeks’ “virtual” service worked well, thanks to the fancy filming skills of my current house mate Nigel Havers and to The Archbishop Of Canterbury for setting up my fast CofE approved Virgin Mary broadband. Church Warden Noddy Holder was on stand by to transmit the sermon with his phone through the kitchen window, but God in his wisdom had the wi-fi working miracles. Anyway, tomorrow at 3pm it is our annual Palm Sunday Service, which is one of my favourites. This is the day we celebrate the baby Jesus being led into Bethlehem, or Jerusalem, on a donkey to get an Easter Egg. In tribute each year I dress as one of the twelve disciples or sometimes as his dad Joseph and reenact the journey into town. I arrive at the church on a donkey just as Jesus did (actually one of Fern Britton‘s lamas from her farm) after parading through the streets with my congregation throwing down plastic palm leaves in my path. Sadly this year we can’t leave the vicarage so perhaps my congregation could just display the leaves in their front windows, just as rainbows have appeared for the NHS and key-workers. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. Or thereabouts.
May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
Are your walls and ceilings looking unsightly? Got lots of ruddy great cracks to fill and plenty of time on your hands? Why not order some JollyFilla today and tomorrow you could be making your walls look like new. Or at least not as old as they do at the moment. Put this lockdown time to good use with Jollyfilla, available online from a few retailers.
Hello radio fans. A huge thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show on www.madwaspradio.com, below is this week’s playlist.
The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure, just search for me Inmate B42359 on Soundcloud.com. My cellmate Len is looking for music related queries for his Listerpedia slot on the show, so please email those to email@example.com
Keep yourselves well, and if you like the show please spread the word. Inmate B42359
01 She Gotta Shake – Al Casey
02 Take Shelter - Palace Winter
03 Chain Of Fools - Aretha Franklin
04 On The Wing - Smoke Fairies
05 Come To The Palisades! - A Girl Called Eddy
06 A Trick of the Light (Radio Edit) - Villagers
07 Stay Alive - Hollie Cook
08 Walking On The Moon - The Police
09 Monkey Man - The Rolling Stones
10 The Autumn Stone - Small Faces
11 Fresh Laundry - Allie X
12 Harvest Of Gold - Gossling
13 Figures in the Landscape - Ben Watt
14 Nellie the Nudist Queen - Ross & Sargent
Hello all. I’m pleased to announce that this Sunday’s annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be going “virtual” whilst our town is in lockdown. We had hoped to still stage this once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from real people but these garlic eating Frenchies are also in lockdown and sadly forbidden to travel. So we have been forced to turn to technology.
Your trade guild and the council’s IT department have created, for one day only, a sort of cheese and onion version of ebay. We just hope it will work. The idea is you can view items on the site, purchase and have them posted to you asap.
To recreate the atmosphere of the real thing the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will be pretending to have the traditional cheese parade to declare the market open by taking lots of selfies and posting them somewhere online.
Local celebrity Noel Edmunds is hoping to recreate a daredevil kite display in his living room which Mrs Edmunds hopes to capture on video and post online…. I must admit it’s all a bit beyond my imagination but if it works all markets could be held this week in future.
Sadly we haven’t yet worked out how to do a virtual crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2020, unless you can suggest any
Stay home, stay safe. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion in happier times before going “virtual” like ebay
Hello. I am very happy to announce that this week Keira Knightley’s Kingdom Adventure Centre will start broadcasting yoga directly into Beckworth’s living rooms. Or garages. Or wherever it is you do yoga without nosey neighbours and perverts watching. The daily yoga classes will be hosted online, via the centre’s website, by Mrs Knightly herself (she is a recently trained brown belt in yoga). Log on every weekday at 10am to see Keira, the brown goddess in action. Have a good day, Beth Rochester. Acting Manageress, Keira Knightley’s Kingdom Adventure Centre
(Above) Keira Knightley
Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your stunningly attractive mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and i’m writing because i’m unhappy. Not only am I having a very rare bad hair day (a bad hair week in fact as my hairdresser isn’t able to visit apart from squeezing hair gel through my letterbox). On top of that I am amazed at the mass of stupid questions I am getting every single day. Lockdown has increased the volume of such inane queries so much that I am now forced to say cease fans! STOP NOW!!!! I am ok with serious, scientific questions but will no longer engage with covidiots. The following extract is the sort of rubbish jamming up my inbox, stopping celebs, such as Bradley Walsh and Sir Elton, getting in touch me…
Dear Paddy Cox (sic), can you help? Last night I put our kitchen clock forward by an hour and the hour-hand fell off. Why has this happened? Could it have caught Corona Virus? Can you come round and check on it? Hopefully, if it’s germ free could you glue it back on?
Firstly don’t call me Paddy. It’s Professor to you. Second, the Government’s Chief Medical Officer says clocks can’t get the virus. Yet. Thirdly, In case they can i’m not coming round to fix it! Fourthly I’ve run out of glue. Besides which I am so busy with my online celebrity life that emails like this tire me out. So STOP sending them to me! Thank you
I’m off now to discuss hair products with my dear friend Claudia Winkleman on zoom. Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) Brian Cox suffering from a bad hair day and answering inane questions
Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services for the foreseeable future will now be “online.” The Archbishop Of Canterbury very kindly popped round to the vicarage (dressed in a rather fetching virus resistant onesie and mask) to get me set up. He fiddled about and “upgraded my laptop,” as he described it, so I can now “video call” you all. It’s very much like a 21st century version of the sermon on the mount! And if my internet proves to be too slow Church Warden Noddy Holder has offered to film me through my closed kitchen window and transmit the sermon with his phone. But i’m sure God in his wisdom will enable me to spread Christian joy in this time of lock-down. For the time being I will be doing just one service each week at 4pm so it doesn’t clash with any good telly (apart from Easter when i’ll put on an extra special additional “show” on Good Friday morning). I have been very fortunate not to be spending social-isolation alone, the Lord provided me with company in the form of dishy choir master Nigel Havers. God ensured lock-down occurred on Monday night just as Nigel and I were discussing wine, bread and hymns… So he’s staying put with me here, just so he’s safe of course (he’d luckily popped round with an overnight bag and his favourite pillow). His young wife is said to be delighted he’s well and in good company. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all this afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.
May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
(Above) An artists impression of Noddy Holder filming Rev Knutsford’s sermon