Hey, you people with Mothers, Grandmothers and great-Grandfathers, today is your lucky day… Yes it is Mother’s Day and to celebrate we will be open until 11.15pm tonight to dish up our fabulous food to as many of your lovely Mum’s as possible. And what mums wouldn’t want to spend her special evening with us here at her favourite kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs? For today only we’re offering large “Mumma’s” donna kebabs for £13.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a local star, Mr Entertainment Man himself, a man that every old mama will love. Yes, we’ve booked local Ed Sheeran tribute act, Ted Sheeran, to sing along to a CD of hits by the real Mr Sheerans. We’ve only got 6 proper seats in the shop, but now have 4 deckchairs and an umbrella outside our kebab shop so most people can get get comfy (if it’s not too windy and the umbrella stays up). But maybe you come early and not stay long. It’s a night out Mamas won’t want to miss, so bring all your old folk to eat with Khristos. Happy Mothers day and see you tonight…. Please bring cash as the card machine has broken.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Spring Solstice news just in… Today, or tomorrow if you go by some sources, is officially the start of Spring (so we can at last look forward to long warm evenings drinking Pimms whilst reading great literature such as 50 Shades Of Grey in a hammock)… But before then I’ve local goings on to report… despite there being a frost this morning (so much for the arrival of warm weather!) a few of our local druids, warlocks, witches and drunks put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… As is traditional on the solstice they congregate at the ancient Hammerite standing stones and do their “thing”, whatever that may be. You won’t catch me going there in the dark with a torch to see vulgar hippy folk singing to get the sun to rise… I can guess what they get up to and I’m certainly no fan of dogging (not since I accidentally fell asleep one evening in a local carpark after puppy-training). And I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, so if you really want to torture yourself as “its culturally important” you can watch old bearded blokes and women displaying their (not so) private parts whilst stumbling around the stones mumbling in the summer. I’m only reporting it as its a quiet day in the world of news, apart from bloody Brexit, so i’m glad a bunch of misfits and vagrants celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s St Patrick’s Day celebration… We’re opening 7pm until 4am to celebrate the Welsh saints day and we’ve ordered in gallons of the Welsh national drink, Special Brew. Due to the strength of the beer and a lack of plastic glasses we are banning kids from the pub, though due to the pleas of parents the under 16s will be allowed in the unlit garden and car park. Entry to the pub will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet of Welsh Rarebit based bar snacks will be included in the price. Cardiff’s legendary tribute band The Panic Heat Streakers will be performing songs about Whales so join us for a bonza evening… Tickets cost £248.55 and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as characters from Gavin & Stacey. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s St Davids celebration… We’re opening 3pm – 1am to celebrate the Irish saints day and will only be serving our very own home brewed Guinness. Due to the strength of the beer on sale we are banning kids from the pub and garden but will allow them to congregate in the unlit carpark (at parents and car owners own risk). Entry to the pub will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet of Ireland based bar snacks will be included in the price. Dublins’ eighth most-popular Irish singing and dancing sensations tribute band 2U will be performing songs so join us for a grand craic… Tickets cost £241.35 (Remember NO children), and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as leprechauns. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Please friends and neighbours, come and see in the year of the pig tonight, or tomorrow, at The Bamboo Caravan. New year was Monday or Tuesday last week but we’re a little behind as all the staff have been off with food poisoning. Now we’re almost recovered and probably not contagious so reopening this evening… Anyway, to celebrate new year every dish on the menu, including the vegetarian options, will be made from pig and pork on top of which The Gay Hussar pub next door will be supplying us with some bacon based cocktails. Also, we’ve once again roped in Geri Halliwell and the Chinese State Mime School to do a rough approximation of dragon procession through the restaurant and the public toilets next door…. And get this, customers spending over £35 (per head) will get a free sparkler to wave around at midnight. Alan Ip. Manager. Bamboo Caravan.
(Above) Geri Halliwell and friends on a previous raucous visit to the Bamboo Caravan
Credited to local self-styled anarch-artist Franksy
Entrepreneur news just in… Three local business people have been inspired by the Government allowing inexperienced “start-ups” to bid for major contracts such as post-Brexit ferries. Forming a consortium down the pub the plucky (and frankly tipsy) trio have approached transport minister Chris Grayling with an offer to run the loss making East Coast Mainline. Spokesperson Abdul, who runs our local chemist, was quoted as saying “We’re perfect for the job. We’ve absolutely no experience running a rail company or any transport related business, we’ve no trains or staff but we’ve promised to be really cheap.” He went on to say “and as with all Government contracts we’ll actually fail to deliver and cost the taxpayer millions more than we said. And there’ll be no downside as we’ll get millions in subsidies..” Chris Grayling’s spokesperson declined to comment but said she’ll forward the message when her husband gets home.
Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello Beckworth. May I wish most of my Beckworth residents a belated Happy New Year (but not the scroungers who continue to blight the high street with their begging, swearing and amateur “statue” impersonations). I’m hoping 2019 will be better than 2018, which was, to quote HRH The Queen, my anus horribles. It was blighted by funding cuts, personal injury and an expensive divorce… and the strike (and subsequent laying off of) the councils IT department, which is why this blog has not been as regular as we’re used to… But volunteers have volunteered to try and get this town blog back up and running. I hope hoping this message finds you well rested and thrilled to be back at work. I myself have been away for a ten week fact-finding jaunt to China, the Government there seem keen to come and buy our stock of council housing, run our local transport and fund the Police force. Fingers crossed.
May I say how sorry I am that I missed famed Beckworth’s New Years eve, but once again, due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration, so thankfully I didn’t miss much. I myself, on your behalf, saw the new year in watching an amazing firework display over Beijing… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if Chinese funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2019. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).
Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford