A Pensioners Cry For Help

Good morning one and all. This is a distressed missive from a healthy octogenarian so please help if you will. I have lost my favourite underpants. I am not usually one to lose freshly laundered undergarments and so it is once again likely to be local thieves, or prisoners out on a chain gang or perhaps bored school-children targeting the old and vulnerable, such as ones self. I last saw my treasured dark brown paisley-trimmed y-fronts yesterday morning… I’m sure they were waiting to be starched and ironed by my visiting home-help, whilst I went commando and frequented some our fine local hostileries with my close friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson.  But having returned late last night the pants could not be found. I even looked in the fridge and oven as my clothes often end up there instead of the washing machine. I normally wouldn’t mind continuing to go sans-undercrackers but I fancied wearing my M&S pants on Sunday when I have a young “neice” coming to visit me. The thieves also seem to have stolen a cup of tea I was half way through drinking before I ventured out to the pub. Do these people have no respect for the elderly? If you have you seen my pants or a half drunk cup of tea carelessly tossed into a hedge or tree please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost some biscuits…

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

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Corkys Out

Breaking news just in… Local tennis ace Corky Deptford has just lost to Gilles Muller (heir to the potted rice dynasty) in a nail biting singles match lasting almost 5 hours… The playing by both champs was amazing, but it was especially good for an allegedly blind player. Andy Murray who was watching and taking notes from his mentor said “The guvnor, Mr Deptford, was really on fire today” before adding “In fact at one point, whilst lighting a fag his bandana caught alight, but it was quickly extinguished by an umpire wielding a bottle of sparkling mineral water… And Corky was hardly even put off his serve. What a pro” I caught Mr deptford post-match on his way speedily to the loo and he told me “he almost had the foreign lad on the ropes but had really bad wind which affected his game…” he went onto explain that “yesterday he spent the day boozing, smoking and ended up having a midnight curry” bad luck Corky, But you did us proud. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Coach Trip To Wimbledon

Hello. This Thursday, 13th July, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) have hired a coach to visit Wimbledon, and amazingly we still have many seats on the coach and spare tickets to Court No22 going spare. This really is an amazing opportunity for you all to see tennis in all it’s glory and to discover the wonders of going nude in public. My close friend Wayne, once an ex-Wimbledon ballboy himself, has promised one of his great tennis quizzes on the journey there, and hopes this year to show us all the “backstage” parts of Wimbledon usually off-limits to the public including the men’s changing rooms and showers. Maybe Nadal and Federer will be in there cooling off together! We’ve tried accessing these areas in previous years but Wayne is more hopeful this year as he’s befriended an umpire. On the journey “fresh” shop-bought sandwiches and bottled water will be supplied (while stocks last) and included in the price of the coach trip, which is only £749 per person… but remember this is a priceless opportunity, if the sun is shining, to get an all over tan with no white bits and maybe get seen on telly (as has happened in most years when we’ve been asked to cover up). I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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Wimbledon Today Tomorrow

Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon tomorrow on BBC2 as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s fourth-round match against some foreign johnny is highly likely to be shown. Corky is a veteran of Wimbledon who he has always claimed he played one of the first matches when it first opened 140 years ago, which is very impressive, he has also said he inspired Andy Murray and Bjorn Borg to take up the sport. 93 year old Mr Deptford, who is allegedly completely blind and plays by sense of smell alone, will be playing on Court No 67 (close to the Wimbledon Tennis Club players-only toilets) and it promises to be a nail-biting match. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (9,004th) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (103 years young and currently ranked 5th in the World). Last year Mr Deptford was hospitalised when he was wrestled to the ground by a 12 year old ballgirl but dismissed the accident “just one of those bl***dy crazy things that happens in World class tennis.” He thankfully discharged himself just in time to loose in the mixed doubles, alongside his long-time tennis partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad). Fingers crossed for Corky this year, who knows he may even make the final for the first time in 30 or 40 years. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Conservatives Sweep Back Into Power

Political news just in… Congratulations are in order as our local Conservative candidate was swept into power and returned to Government with a powerful majority of 23 votes (it may be 24 but who’s counting?). A chuffed Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP told me over a brunch i paid for that his campaign had rubbished the opposition and he’d won on popular policies penalising the poor for having no money and for being lazy fat unwashed scroungers. Well done to Stephen for standing up for those of us who own our homes and dislike foreigners… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Generlal Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Last Call For Voters

A political plea just in… Don’t forget to vote (Conservative) today before it’s too late and the country goes to the dogs under a Labour / BNP / Liberal Democrat coalition… Our future is in your hands so don’t let the young and the poor ruin it. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief General Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Where’s Wally? He’s In The Library!!

Hi, I just wanted to remind parents that tomorrow Wally Walloon, the star of Belgian TV’s famous children’s show Le Diable en Pantalon, will be performing his new one man show in the library garden (weather permitting, if it’s p***ing it down he’ll set up in the Gent’s toilet). Wally, the famous 11-fingered master of shadow puppetry (he recently lost a finger in a road-trafiic accident involving a lawn-mower), will perform his all new show “Jean-Paul Dans Le Jardin” in French with subtitles provided on a powerpoint presentation alongside. The show starts at 2pm and entry is £12 per child, under 3s £6 and adults £18, but hurry as tickets are very limited. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

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Have A healthier Fish & Chip Day

Hello all you lucky peoples, If you looking for a much healthier fish n chip shop day day-out, then you must come and enjoy a kebab instead… Beckworth’s favourite fast food establishment will be opening 11 ’til 11 to give good service to all you fish and potato fans who prefer a beautiful kebab. A large donna kebab for £15.99 each is not to be missed, so you come and take-away. It’s not a day to be missed, so come and be healthy at Knossos Kebabs. Khristos will see you later today. Remember it’s only while stocks last…

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

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Happy Fish N Chip day

Today is the most exciting day of the year, bar none. Yes it’s World Fish N Chip Day and to celebrate the World’s favourite Beckworth-based chip shop, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah is having a sale. Yes, we’re offering a mighty 11% off most orders over £37 (excluding fish cakes, mars bars and mushy peas), whilst stocks last… So get your laughing gear round the nations favourite mouth-watering fish supper tonight! Lance & Brenda Colville, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Chip Shop

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