Exclusive topical large people news just in… I am so proud to be reporting that a local Beckworth food emporium is showing the UK a clever way of stopping obesity by tackling the recently reported problem of fat people (or whatever you’re allowed to call them these days?) damaging society “head on”. I’m talking about how a top doctor has reported that we must stop big people eating snacks and drink coke in broad daylight and on public transport (no doubt the caring Doctor also wants them to stop dropping crumbs when they blatantly take up two seats on the bus or block pavements…Don’t get me started about ill fitting clothes especially “the lower half” if you know what I mean!!! It’s enough to put you off your food!!!!). Anyway local Kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs has “stepped up to the plate” with their own way of stopping obesity and so on your behalf I popped in to get a Donar and find out more from shop owner… Unfortunately he was in the betting shop so I asked his daughter Joolz who was serving me what the shop were doing about fatties… As she built me a rather fine kebab and large chips with all the trimmings and sauces she explained how they were dealing with large portion sizes and calories and stuff by introducing smaller kebabs. And the very clever bit is that the new “diet donors” sell for the same price as regular big ones as an incentive for large people to eat less… They have also started flogging healthy bottled tap water alongside the 2 litre bottles of fake fizzy drinks. I asked how successful it had proved and she said the water was proving hard to shift and “to be honest” most of our customers buy more than one kebab (and chips) at a time, so they may need to buy a few less to loose weight, but takings have gone up! It sounds like a win-win situation, large people get to loose pounds of flesh and a local entrepreneur makes a healthy profit. As my heroine Lady Thatcher would have said that’s the market economy benefitting everyone in society… And I have to add the (large) kebab I had was amazing, it tasted even better as i got to put it on my expenses! So the moral of this heartening story is if you want to loose weight (and you know you need to) eat a kebab… And i’ve just realised that apart from the meat it’s a vegetarian, or vegan, dish… so very healthy. I’m hoping other eateries begin diet portions so I can sample those and file a report. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Fatties & Food Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive breaking Brexit news just in… As luck would have it today I managed to get my nails done at the new nail bar on the high street (co-owned by Strictly Bake Off’s very own Sandy Toksvig and her younger brother Randy) and as I was coming out admiring my new talons I literally bumped into a very well-lubricated Stephen Tooting-Broadway, Beckworth’s Conservative MP. He was briskly exiting his second home, the betting shop on the high street, puffing distractedly on a cheroot whilst swearing loudly to himself… I can’t repeat what he said but it was very graphic and gynaecological… Anyhoo, in an exclusive interview, there and then, Mr Tooting-Broadway told me how this country was going to the dogs and how his close friend, Boris Johnson our beloved and honest PM, was the only person in Parliament standing up for the intelligent rich (and the fact they voted in droves to leave the despised despots in Europe and MPs are blocking this) … Nothing exclusive about that you may say, but he went on to say that MPs of all persuasions, leavers, remainers and can’t be arsed, are making their own post-Brexit plans… many are stock-piling drink, cigarettes, take-away menus and loo roll whilst others have bought fake passports or joined the Lib Dems. They believe that if we don’t Brexit at the end of October the great british Daily Mail & Sun reading public will riot, lock the selfish MPs in the Houses Of Parliament and probably do a Guy Fawkes… He was deadly serious and red faced as he slurred his words to me, and told me he was refusing to set foot back in Parliament until the whole ruddy farce was over. After belching very loudly he added he didn’t become a member of parliament to become burnt toast, not when he could safely perform his duty (and get paid handsomely for it) from the safe distance of a Beckworth pub… Whilst I partook of a second Marlborough Light and he swigged on an Aldi multipack “alcopop” Stephen let slip most enlightening information that he may not have meant to; divulging that his good friend Donald Trump has offered troops to quell any disquiet in exchange for the UK becoming the 51st, or 52nd, state in the Union. At this point Mr Tooting-Broadway broke away from me and relieved himself up against a postbox. I would have dearly loved to find out more but he’d splashed my Manolos. So I briskly returned to the office to sponge off the odorous p*** and of course, because of my dedication, type up this exclusive Brexit expose for you dear reader…. I say good luck to the Prime Minister in getting us out of the corrupt sess pool that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Unbiased Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your gorgeous, adored Prof Brian Cox here, and if i’m honest at this moment in time i’m slightly anxious & distracted. But not sweating like common folk…. Why? Because i’m writing this (due to contractual obligations) in a taxi as it wings its way to Heathrow Airport so I can catch a flight off to sunnier climbs. Anyway, i’ve been inundated with tens of emails, perfumed-notelets and text messages, which I was hoping wouldn’t need answering. But i’m told they do or else I wont get paid! And even a megastar scientist and TV icon with beautiful hair and teeth needs paying. Keeping on top of my youthful looks doesn’t come cheap I can tell you… Anyway i’m digressing as I’m driven past my favourite hair gel emporium, Harrods…. You’ve been asking in your droves the same question; “What is the Autumn Equinox, and why do we bother having one as no-one apart from scientists know what it is?” Ok i’ll get this done as quick as possible and apologies for any speling misbakes (the road is rather bumby)… The reason we have Autumn Equinox every year, around late September, is all to do with cavemen and horses… The name equinox is latin, or greek, or perhaps french, for horny horse and legend has it that the Autumn Equinox celebrates a day when horses with horns were first seen frolicking amongst the fallen leaves whilst our cave dwelling forebears searched for conkers. It is said that our ancient hirsute ancestors quickly invented bows and arrows and hunted and ate these horned horses (sometimes called Unicorns) to extinction… So there you have it, if we hadn’t rid the World of these horses we wouldn’t be celebrating now. Or have my little pony. Anyway I must dash off as i’m fast approaching terminal five and can see my holiday chums, Joey Essex, Michael & Tina McIntyre OBE and Carol Vorderman waving to me…. See you soon, and keep the faith (by buying some of my merchandise). Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Breaking Carnival news just in… Despite trying to gain a last minute court injunction, the local council have caved into requests to try once again to have a West Indian carnival in the streets of Beckworth… You may remember a few years ago the first Beckworth Carnival (the town’s first since medieval times) was launched in timely recognition of the town’s vibrant West Indian community moving from the West Indies. What had been hoped would grow to become a very untrendy version of Notting Hill, without the sound systems, crowds and floats but still with plenty of fun the whole family, unfortunately cost too much to put on again. that is, until this year when Chinese company Huawei offered to sponsor it in exchange for placing 1000ft pilons in the town…
Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your very handsome and modest Prof Brian Cox here. This week, and last, I’ve been inundated with emails, letters and damp postcards which I’ve put off answering. But whilst I wait for my beautiful hair to dry I’ll lower myself to answer… You’ve tediously been asking the same question; “Why is the UK so damp this month? It’s completely ruining our staycation in Bognor, Hull, Isle Of Man, and I’ve packed away all my thermals.” The answer is all to do with the unseasonal weather not being ours… In fact we’ve inherited a years worth of Russia‘s unwanted grey rain clouds, which are crammed full of very wet soggy rain. It is believed the Russian military have developed a way of blowing unwanted clouds our way so they can bask in sunshine, get good tans and sell lots of sunglasses (that’s why Siberia is no longer icy cold but baking hot like Greece)… I’m told our military are desperately trying to invent something to blow the clouds back, perhaps via mainland Europe post-Brexit, with PM Boris Johnson pledging hundreds of pounds to help the inventors. Sadly, until the boffins develop such a “blower,” we’re stuck with the rain… and probably snow in September. My advice to all my fans is to dig out your warm clothes and buy new Brian Cox scarves, T-shirts, undies and umbrellas from the merchandise bit of my website… As for me I’m wealthy enough to avoid the inclement weather (that’s scientific words for wet weather) by going on a Mediteranean cruise with my close pals Harry Styles, Ferne Cotton & Sir Trevor MacDonald. I don’t want to be late for the bus to the harbour so I’ll sign off now…. See you soon, and keep the faith (by buying some of my merchandise). Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello to my Coxettes (my dear fans), it’s your beautiful Prof Brian Cox here. I’m sorry I didn’t finish answering yesterday’s burning question “why are we having such hot days this week.” My neighbours and close friends Sir Brian May and his mum (ex-PM) Teresa May popped round with a bottle of sherry to have a natter and admire my fabulous hair and my newly whitened teeth (they were very impressed), which meant I didn’t finish giving the scientific answer… So here goes, the UK is breaking temperature records (I’m told it was probably 38.1C yesterday, which is over 120 degrees in old money) because we’re being invaded by never before seen dessert plumes (tall winds to you plebs) travelling north from places like Iran, Israel and Japan. The plumes are blowing away fluffy clouds and bringing the most sunshine and daylight that we’ve ever seen… And because the UK is just like a big island, surrounded by deep seas and oceans, it feels even hotter and is making us crave cool Pimms and ice creams, which in turn raises temperatures. This creates a vicious circle, the more we drink and Cornettos we consume the hotter it gets… Today is cooler as most shops have now sold out of both, which is vey lucky… On a positive note I’ve managed to get a great all-over tan from nude sunbathing on my garage roof. I’m now going to show it off at the pub to best pals Amanda Holden & David Walliams. I don’t want to be late so better sign off…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello to all my fans, who I fancy I will now name Coxettes. Your wonderful, keeping cool and not sweating, Prof Brian Cox here. My internet mail box and spam thingy are as usual overflowing with readers daily questions, most wasting my precious time, but some have wanted me to answer the same scientifically significant question; why are we having such hot days this week. One person who will remain nameless also asked if will it rain next week as they are going on a camping holiday, but although I am a genius (more so than Steve Hawkin) I’m not a weather forecaster, so I can’t help and consider this matter closed. I can however explain why the UK is breaking the Worlds’ temperature records this year (its probably 150 degrees here in my beautiful Beckworth drawing room, even with the curtains drawn and BBC Radio 4 on!)… It’s all to do with dessert winds coming north from the Middle East via Spain & Italy bringing with it extra portions of sunshine, heat and daylight…. Hold on I’ve just got to answer the door, but will continue shortly, love you all Prof Brian Cox.
Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello everyone. As you are probably aware it is exactly five years to the day since the inaugural meeting of STUCCO, which aimed to stop one of the devil’s favourite shops opening on the High Street. Ultimately, myself and the other three members of STUCCO failed to stop Cost O’Bucks, the faceless International Irish coffee chain, blighting our beautiful town… But now STUCCO (Stop This Ubiquitous Coffee Chain Opening) is back! We want to stop the Roman coffee chain Stara Nero opening a concession in Sainsco which we know is a Trojab Horse before it takes over the town with its coffee themed comestibles… With your help we could be bigger, better and more organised than last time (and hopefully succesful), and for this reason I am proposing we form a new action committee. I have taken it upon myself to keep the catchy name, STUCCO, and have booked the snug at The Blind Badger this Tuesday at 7pm to have an inaugural meet. Please spread the word and see you then. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh. Chairperson and founder. STUCCO
Hey, you Beckworth people today is your lucky day… Here at Knossos Kebabs we celebrate Man Of The Moon by serving up Moon themed kebabs until 1.25am tonight. Just like astronauts you can eat a kebab looking at the moon (it was the only food they ate whilst in their rocket), and as we generous we’ll donate 50p “to charity” for anyone who can eat a donna & chips in the time it takes us to shout “5, 4 , 3, 2, 1, blast off” very loudly through a loud haler! So bring all your family and friends to party like it’s 1969 at Kape Konaveral (we’ll not be selling food or drink at 1969 prices so don’t get your hope up). Today only we’re offering large “Moon Dust” donna kebabs for £19.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a local star, the UK’s 44th best David Bowie/Cilla Black impersonator Cilla Sawdust, to sing Ground Control To Major Tom repeatedly, or at least until the batteries in his ghetto blaster run out. Happy Moon Walk day and see you tonight, or this afternoon…. And please bring cash as the card machine is still broken.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs