Exclusive topical large people news just in… I am so proud to be reporting that a local Beckworth food emporium is showing the UK a clever way of stopping obesity by tackling the recently reported problem of fat people (or whatever you’re allowed to call them these days?) damaging society “head on”. I’m talking about how a top doctor has reported that we must stop big people eating snacks and drink coke in broad daylight and on public transport (no doubt the caring Doctor also wants them to stop dropping crumbs when they blatantly take up two seats on the bus or block pavements…Don’t get me started about ill fitting clothes especially “the lower half” if you know what I mean!!! It’s enough to put you off your food!!!!). Anyway local Kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs has “stepped up to the plate” with their own way of stopping obesity and so on your behalf I popped in to get a Donar and find out more from shop owner… Unfortunately he was in the betting shop so I asked his daughter Joolz who was serving me what the shop were doing about fatties… As she built me a rather fine kebab and large chips with all the trimmings and sauces she explained how they were dealing with large portion sizes and calories and stuff by introducing smaller kebabs. And the very clever bit is that the new “diet donors” sell for the same price as regular big ones as an incentive for large people to eat less… They have also started flogging healthy bottled tap water alongside the 2 litre bottles of fake fizzy drinks. I asked how successful it had proved and she said the water was proving hard to shift and “to be honest” most of our customers buy more than one kebab (and chips) at a time, so they may need to buy a few less to loose weight, but takings have gone up! It sounds like a win-win situation, large people get to loose pounds of flesh and a local entrepreneur makes a healthy profit. As my heroine Lady Thatcher would have said that’s the market economy benefitting everyone in society… And I have to add the (large) kebab I had was amazing, it tasted even better as i got to put it on my expenses! So the moral of this heartening story is if you want to loose weight (and you know you need to) eat a kebab… And i’ve just realised that apart from the meat it’s a vegetarian, or vegan, dish… so very healthy. I’m hoping other eateries begin diet portions so I can sample those and file a report. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Fatties & Food Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
