Breaking news just in… Local tennis ace Corky Deptford has just lost to Gilles Muller (heir to the potted rice dynasty) in a nail biting singles match lasting almost 5 hours… The playing by both champs was amazing, but it was especially good for an allegedly blind player. Andy Murray who was watching and taking notes from his mentor said “The guvnor, Mr Deptford, was really on fire today” before adding “In fact at one point, whilst lighting a fag his bandana caught alight, but it was quickly extinguished by an umpire wielding a bottle of sparkling mineral water… And Corky was hardly even put off his serve. What a pro” I caught Mr deptford post-match on his way speedily to the loo and he told me “he almost had the foreign lad on the ropes but had really bad wind which affected his game…” he went onto explain that “yesterday he spent the day boozing, smoking and ended up having a midnight curry” bad luck Corky, But you did us proud. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon tomorrow on BBC2 as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s fourth-round match against some foreign johnny is highly likely to be shown. Corky is a veteran of Wimbledon who he has always claimed he played one of the first matches when it first opened 140 years ago, which is very impressive, he has also said he inspired Andy Murray and Bjorn Borg to take up the sport. 93 year old Mr Deptford, who is allegedly completely blind and plays by sense of smell alone, will be playing on Court No 67 (close to the Wimbledon Tennis Club players-only toilets) and it promises to be a nail-biting match. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (9,004th) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (103 years young and currently ranked 5th in the World). Last year Mr Deptford was hospitalised when he was wrestled to the ground by a 12 year old ballgirl but dismissed the accident “just one of those bl***dy crazy things that happens in World class tennis.” He thankfully discharged himself just in time to loose in the mixed doubles, alongside his long-time tennis partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad). Fingers crossed for Corky this year, who knows he may even make the final for the first time in 30 or 40 years. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Political news just in… Congratulations are in order as our local Conservative candidate was swept into power and returned to Government with a powerful majority of 23 votes (it may be 24 but who’s counting?). A chuffed Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP told me over a brunch i paid for that his campaign had rubbished the opposition and he’d won on popular policies penalising the poor for having no money and for being lazy fat unwashed scroungers. Well done to Stephen for standing up for those of us who own our homes and dislike foreigners… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Generlal Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

A political plea just in… Don’t forget to vote (Conservative) today before it’s too late and the country goes to the dogs under a Labour / BNP / Liberal Democrat coalition… Our future is in your hands so don’t let the young and the poor ruin it. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief General Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette