Relax And Watch A Fellow Great American Get Wed

Howdy hi and pleased to meet you. I’m Albert Leamington III, and I run the hugely successful Beckworth Hall Spa. As I am a generous man, and in recognition of The Royal Wedding, of Texas’s finest daughter Meghan to your Prince Harry, Beckworth’s number one spa is offering a huge 10% off sauna sessions tomorrow between 11am and 2pm. We will have a large screen showing the wedding so you can be pampered whilst you watch. Come early as places in the small sauna are very limited. Albert

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Enjoy All Tomorrow’s Matches With A Kebab

Hey you lucky people, tomorrow is not one but two matches going on, so we have much to be celebrate… and what more British way to be celebrate a wedding and a football match than with a traditional kebab. So your favourite kebab house we will be opening 9am ’til 12.15pm to serve as many of your lovely wedding and football fans as possible. And so you can keep in touch with Mrs Markle and Prince Harold we will have the radio on throughout the wedding and then switch channels to hear the football cup… For one day only we’re offering large “Fit For A King’s Brother” donna kebabs for £13.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a DJ for the evening. Yes, my nephew MC Knossos will be playing tapes he has recorded off the radio of all the latest pop hits. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people visiting will have to stand, but maybe you queue overnight so you there when we open. It’s a day out you peoples won’t want to miss, so bring all your families and friends to see Khristos. See you at 9 in the morning sharpish.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

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Ticket’s On Sale For Royal Wedding, FA Cup Buffet & Live Music

Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for Saturday’s most-of-the-day and evening Royal Wedding bash. We’re opening at 11 – 11 to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Meghan Markle and will be showing TV coverage of the happy event on a laptop placed on the bar. We are also hoping to show (if the WiFi doesn’t play up) the FA Cup on a tablet that can passed around the pub… We’ll be letting kids play unsupervised in the garden and car park, and there’s likely to be an ice cream van parked across the road, so parents can get completely leathered whilst singing joyous songs and shouting at the screen. Entry to the pub on Saturday will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet including pork scratchings and peanuts will be included in the price. In the evening miming sensation (and Meghan Markle tribute act) Meghan Sparkle will be performing songs from her favourite West End musicals whilst stood next to a life-size cardboard effigy of Princess Markles’s husband to be… Tickets cost £213.45 (children £100), so join us to see the future King & Queen getting hitched whilst the footies on. Featured ale is Prince Charles’s Organic Wallop and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as Royalty through the door. So see you on Saturday. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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Meghan Markle’s (Probable) Half-Brother To Walk Her Down The Aisle

Breaking Royal Wedding news just in… This morning rumours have been circulating that Meghan Markle’s (alleged) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle will give her away this Saturday. It has been widely reported that Ms Markle’s Dad Nigel, a TV cameraman who’s worked on Casualty and Last Of The Summer Wine, will not now be attending his daughter’s wedding due to him posing for compromising photos. Marky Mark’s mum, Margy Markle, says he is awaiting for the call asking him to stand-in as father of the bride and she’s dug out his suit and lucky t-shirt (usually worn at Mark’s many court appearances) in readiness. Marky, Ms Markle’s until very recently unknown sibling, is a well known burglar and shop-lifter in Beckworth who is quoted as saying his alleged sister’s wedding is a turning point for him. Probably. I for one will be watching the wedding of the millennium to see if unemployed Marky Mark will be walking down the aisle with his probable sister on his arm… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Meghan Markle’s (Alleged) Half-Brother Advised To Stay Away From Windsor Next Week

Breaking celebrity Royal Wedding news just in… It has come to our attention, in a exclusive, that a Buckingham Palace account has just tweeted about Meghan Markle’s (probable) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle. It is believed that Ms Markle’s, until recently unknown sibling, has been advised by Lord Prince Charle’s aids to stay away from the future King’s ginger son and his wedding next week. Light-fingered Marky Mark is of course a well known felon in Beckworth and is currently restricted to where he can travel due to an asbo for burgling the butchers. Twice. But that apparently hasn’t stopped Mr Markle, 52 and of no fixed address, ringing up Prince Harry almost daily to give wedding advice and offers to arrange the stag do… Mark has also been seen in Beckworth High Street drunkenly telling all that he’ll not only be attending the wedding of his (likely) half-sister but also doing a reading during the televised service. I for one will be glued to my tablet next Saturday to watch the wedding of the century and do hope unemployed Marky Mark will be there, as he’s the only person from Beckworth we know who is (probably) invited to the bash… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Happy Easter In Absentia

Dear flock. I am writing this on behalf of our dearly departed vicar (he’s not dead just off on holiday) as he asked me to apologise for having to postpone all the Easter related services, egg hunts, parties etc at the last minute… The choristers helped me hack the account as the Rev didn’t leave any passwords for me. But he did leave a hastily scrawled note pinned to the locked church doors saying that the Bishop was taking him away for a well deserved surprise rave up in Ibiza with all their chums. I’m sure his holiness will be back soon, so watch this space… Happy Easter to all, Noddy Holder (Church Warden)

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Palm Sunday Service Postponed

Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

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Dear Prof Clocks Why Do The Cox Change Twice A Year? Wouldn’t Once Be Enough?

Hello all, it’s your favourite popstar turned genius here. Yes, the Godlike Prof Brian Cox. As is usual this time of the year readers have been wasting my precious time, wanting me to answer the same scientifically tedious question, year in year out, it never changes… I’m talking about you all asking why do the clocks change. And why do it twice… I’m in a bit of rush but the succinct answer is because of those unelected rule-makers in Europe. Over a hundred years ago they decreed that our glorious United Kingdom need to be taught a lesson and given a bloody nose (it was during WW1 after all). So spies from the continent sneaked into Great Britain and started messing around with all the clocks, putting them forward by an hour or so (or it may have been back)… Because of this our poor soldiers were getting up in the middle of the night to fight the Gerrys and by day break were totally exhausted…. It took 6 months before all the clocks were put back to the right time. Our government at the time thought this was all spiffing fun seeing the working class getting up at unGodly hours that they decided to keep the clock changing going, twice a year… And now we’re so used to it that no one argues that it’s a great waste of time or question why we do it! So that’s the answer… now i’ve got to rush, I’m having a lazy Sunday lunch and drinks with one of my best celebrity pals, Declan Donnelly, who’s looking for a new workmate…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

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Spring Has Sprung. At Last

Spring Solstice news just in… Today is officially the start of the Spring Solstice (that’s Spring to you and I) and thank goodness the snow had gone and the weather was not freezing as our local druids put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… Due to a mix-up over the date I’m told there weren’t actually many druids, witches or Harry Potter fans in attendance (five at last count) at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today. But never fear, they’ll be doing it all over again in June so you’ve not really missed out (unless you love watching old bearded blokes displaying there todgers whilst dancing around mumbling). Anyway it’s been a quiet day in the world of news, what with no drunks celebs crashing their cars today or Russian’s knocking off spies, so i’m glad a bunch of tramps celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Make Your Mother’s Year On Mother’s Day

Hey you lucky people who have Mums, Sunday is Mother’s Day and to celebrate we will be opening 11am ’til 11.15pm to serve as many of your lovely Mum’s as possible. And what Beckworth mum wouldn’t want to spend her special day with us at her favourite kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs? For one day only we’re offering large donna kebabs for £12.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a star of radio, church and TV, an entertainment man that every lovely mama will love. Yes, we’ve booked local Sir Cliff Richard tribute act Richard Cliff to sing along to a CD of his hero’s hits through lunch and again at dinner time. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people will have to stand, but maybe you come early and not stay long. It’s a day out Mothers won’t want to miss, so bring all your mother’s and Grandmother to see Khristos. Or borrow one if yours is dead or in hospital. See you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

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