Local Consortium Bid to Run Major Rail Route

Entrepreneur news just in… Three local business people have been inspired by the Government allowing inexperienced “start-ups” to bid for major contracts such as post-Brexit ferries. Forming a consortium down the pub the plucky (and frankly tipsy) trio have approached transport minister Chris Grayling with an offer to run the loss making East Coast Mainline. Spokesperson Abdul, who runs our local chemist, was quoted as saying “We’re perfect for the job. We’ve absolutely no experience running a rail company or any transport related business, we’ve no trains or staff but we’ve promised to be really cheap.” He went on to say “and as with all Government contracts we’ll actually fail to deliver and cost the taxpayer millions more than we said. And there’ll be no downside as we’ll get millions in subsidies..” Chris Grayling’s spokesperson declined to comment but said she’ll forward the message when her husband gets home.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Seasons Greetings

Hello Beckworth. May I wish most of my Beckworth residents a belated Happy New Year (but not the scroungers who continue to blight the high street with their begging, swearing and amateur “statue” impersonations). I’m hoping 2019 will be better than 2018, which was, to quote HRH The Queen, my anus horribles. It was blighted by funding cuts, personal injury and an expensive divorce… and the strike (and subsequent laying off of) the councils IT department, which is why this blog has not been as regular as we’re used to… But volunteers have volunteered to try and get this town blog back up and running. I hope hoping this message finds you well rested and thrilled to be back at work. I myself have been away for a ten week fact-finding jaunt to China, the Government there seem keen to come and buy our stock of council housing, run our local transport and fund the Police force. Fingers crossed.
May I say how sorry I am that I missed famed Beckworth’s New Years eve, but once again, due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration, so thankfully I didn’t miss much. I myself, on your behalf, saw the new year in watching an amazing firework display over Beijing… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if Chinese funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2019. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Midnight Mass This Afternoon

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).

Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford

Waxwork Museum Set To Expand Later This Year

Fantastic news for those of you already planning for Autumn, unemployed taxidermist and amateur wax “sculptor” Neville Preston-Tussaud is planning to extend Beckworth’s most exciting indoor tourist attraction by October. Inspired by his (probable) Great Great Great Grandma, Mrs Madam Tussaud, Neville is to extend his waxworks museum beyond the garage next to his house and garden shed. He has put in a planning application to erect a permanent gazebo in his front garden to show at least another 5 paper-mache celebrity effigies, he’s hoping to have Prince Harry and Mrs Markel finished in time, and has a Donald Trump ready for painting by his 4 year old daughter. As soon as I know more about the museum expansion I will of course let you know. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

Relax And Watch A Fellow Great American Get Wed

Howdy hi and pleased to meet you. I’m Albert Leamington III, and I run the hugely successful Beckworth Hall Spa. As I am a generous man, and in recognition of The Royal Wedding, of Texas’s finest daughter Meghan to your Prince Harry, Beckworth’s number one spa is offering a huge 10% off sauna sessions tomorrow between 11am and 2pm. We will have a large screen showing the wedding so you can be pampered whilst you watch. Come early as places in the small sauna are very limited. Albert

Enjoy All Tomorrow’s Matches With A Kebab

Hey you lucky people, tomorrow is not one but two matches going on, so we have much to be celebrate… and what more British way to be celebrate a wedding and a football match than with a traditional kebab. So your favourite kebab house we will be opening 9am ’til 12.15pm to serve as many of your lovely wedding and football fans as possible. And so you can keep in touch with Mrs Markle and Prince Harold we will have the radio on throughout the wedding and then switch channels to hear the football cup… For one day only we’re offering large “Fit For A King’s Brother” donna kebabs for £13.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a DJ for the evening. Yes, my nephew MC Knossos will be playing tapes he has recorded off the radio of all the latest pop hits. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people visiting will have to stand, but maybe you queue overnight so you there when we open. It’s a day out you peoples won’t want to miss, so bring all your families and friends to see Khristos. See you at 9 in the morning sharpish.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs