Hello. This is an update for all of you closely following the Stag Do Massacre case which PC Rozzer and myself are working tirelessly on, when we’re not in the garden keeping slugs off our onions. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the clues to this murder an intriguing new one pops up. And not just any clue. A breakthrough clue! A discarded black belt, as worn by Kung Fu experts. So we now know that a member of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre gang is a black belt in karate. The leather belt was found by an observant member of the public on the path leading to Lover’s Lane. The path is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the belt, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Old Kung Fu School Pal (Let’s call him Ming for the purposes of our case), was probably meant as a coded message for us to back off as we’re getting close to rounding the violent gang up. But Rozzer and me aren’t intimidated by the Stag Do Massacre gang, so Ming’s wasting his time trying to scare us with belts. This sort of thing might work on crime shows but we’re made of tougher stuff here in Beckworth. And being tough means we need your help. Perhaps you know a tough guy called Ming who’s trousers keep falling down? Maybe you’ve done some kick-boxing with him but found him to be a bit over zealous? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know if slug pellets really work? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The martial art’s black belt as found earlier today